I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

i think there are 2 issues 1. Wether you want to support your dh with any degree of caring or not. 2. Wether you want to remain in a relationship with him /live with him any longer.
I dont think there is a right or wrong answer, its up to you how you feel and what you want.
When my husband got cancer and was changed beyond all recognition and needed lifelong care,it was my priviledge to do that,my love did not alter when it alteration found.
My friends husband had a car accident and was changed and needed care ,for her it was unbearable to be his carer and they divorced which was the right decision for them. People are different and there relationships are different.
Only you can decide whats right for you. I think being honest with him about how you are feeling is the best option.

Oh get off your high horse and be sensible for a minute. Having someone suffering from psychosis in the house with your teenage daughter goes way beyond 'in sickness and in health'. I know someone who was killed by a relative having a psychotic episode. Totally failed by mental health services but still not safe to be around. The OP has to prioritise her daughter - and her own safety for that matter.

It isn't a life-changing physical illness. It is many months of considerable mental health problems so severe he has had to be placed in a psychiatric hospital for his safety & wellbeing, and that of the OP and their DD. He is still extremely mentally unwell, and there seems to be little progress.

Having read her other threads, it seems like the OP has reached the end of her tether and absolutely cannot cope with having him home.

What sort of "care" might he need you to provide if he comes home, OP?

And doing what? It clearly isn't helping, them being together. He became psychotic within the marriage, and OP is not a mental health professional. It impossible to ' help' anyone in these circumstances without completely destroying your own mental health. You go round and round in circles, asking for help, getting them to access help, sit there while they refuse help or refuse to take meds, you have to day after day wake up not knowing what to do or what the day will bring, not knowing what to do to improve the situation because there is literally nothing you can do. It's not just doing a bit more housework and saying ' there there'. A child who, at one point had two functioning parents had one, who then has a breakdown themselves so that child has no one? Helpful!

Those of us familiar with the OP's other threads are aware that this is not a feasible option right now.

Read the bloody thread. All of it, and then you will realise just how wrong you are in this particular instance.

I think you need to stop feeling guilty about everyone and put you and your DD first. He is a stranger to you at the moment and your home won't feel like a safe space - he has totally traumatised you with his behaviour. He may not have been able to help it but the result is the same for you. If he is a different person then he clearly isn't well and it kind of scares me for you as that doesn't feel like a safe situation. You will be on eggshells and so unhappy.

Don't let him come in as if it's his home. He can visit, have a cup of tea, then go back to his facility. And don't let them discharge him to you. Let the care system take over and find him housing while you all work on things. This isn't cruel...it's a kindness...he won't get better coming home and you can't just carry on as if this is a perfectly normal situation.

And sorry, I sounded really harsh. You've had a terrible time and I've followed your threads. I have a very sick family member and the impact on the people around is awful. I think you need to decide your boundaries and stick with it - make your own choices and don't give in. You know your gut feeling is right so have faith in yourself. You're amazing for dealing with this and I hope you've got someone that tells you how brilliant you are.

What sort of care do you think an unstable, spiralling, psychotic person needs when they won't take their medication at home?

This is truly heartbreaking. You do realise he can’t help help having a mental illness. From your past threads I read them. You would need to pay your husband half the house if you split up because even if he gets housed he won’t get any other benefits because they will see that he owns a house. You can’t just take it off him sorry. If your decision is made then I would get your property valued and the. Speak to your mortgage broker to see what you can on your salary etc and work from there.

I'm sorry if my question seemed abrupt - I genuinely was asking from the point of view of knowing whether I could advise. You didn't give such details in your OP as you've given in your reply to me. I really wasn't (and I can see how you might have thought I was) trying to minimise the situation - I wondered if it was personal care (if he had a physical disability, for example).

I had hoped to keep this seperate to my other threads.

However seeing as people have linked it anyway, here is a brief history:
About 7 months ago he became mentally ill. No one would help. One night he threatened to take our daughter and said that Id never see either of them again. I took her to a hotel.
That night I persuaded him over the phone to go to hospital. They didnt help and sent him home to sleep.
That night/the next morning I called everyone including an ambulance because he needed help because he was manic. He was shouting of windows, sending me crazy texts etc. The paramedics felt unsafe so left but no one would help.
The same day, I somehow managed to get him to hospital. They were originally going to send him home too however I demanded the psychiatric team looked at him. He was moved into a secure unit as soon as they saw him. He was put under section 2
He then went onto section 3.
He was discharged but within a week had suicidal intentions. I caught him counting tablets and he admitted he had plans.
He went into hospital voluntarily. After a week or so they put him under section 2 again.
A couple of weeks ago his section 2 ran out but because he agreed to stay voluntarily, they didnt put him onto a section 3.
A few days ago he had a really tough day and they threatened him with a section 5 because they thought he was going to hurt himself. He complied so they didnt section him again.

He is gearing up to discharge himself. I just dont even know what is going on now.

Prior to this I have never, ever felt scared or threatened by him or felt like he would harm our daughter. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body. It's all his illness.

@IveNameChangedObviously specifically asked that we don't connect this thread to any backstory.

A friend’s husband had a terrible, life-changing accident when they were newly separated. She was continuing with the divorce but was told that the lion’s share of the assets would go to him because of his continuing physical disability and care needs.

he died unexpectedly a few months later - no idea how the asset split would have turned out if the divorce had gone ahead

might be worth posting in legal to see how you and your daughter would be placed

Regardless of the rights and wrongs and the vows, it is not safe for you or your daughter for him to come home if he discharges himself. And it is NOT selfish of you to articulate that as a boundary.

Your husband still isn't well. It might be a different story if he had responded to treatment, or showed commitment to getting better, but he is still behaving erratically and threatening to end his life. He cannot live with you and your daughter while he is in that condition, given his previous threats regarding your daughter. You are not safe.

That's the starting point. Given he owns half the house, you can't prevent him coming home, so I would move out in the absence of not understanding any other options.

I wouldn't want to move out. But I would find somewhere safe for myself and my daughter, as a priority. And I wouldn't give him the address. Because he isn't well yet.

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this.

OP has now posted at 16.39 giving the back story.

I knew the backstory (as many did). But the point is that @IveNameChangedObviously asked us not to refer to it in terms that would link previous history to it. That should have been respected.

Thank you

Oh IveNameChangedObviously I’m so sorry that your situation is no better. Like those posters who have followed events in your other threads I understand your predicament and your overwhelming longing to have your DH back, the previously well version, I mean.

Nobody knowing the circumstances could chastise you for your fear (as in worry, please note that this is not a case of DV) of him visiting home again and your dilemma with regards to the impact on your DD. It seems you are right at the bottom still of the priority list for well being and I hope you can stay strong and do what is right for you and your DD right now.

I hope the hospital and support teams can put an alternative plan together as I think you need to protect yourself from inadequate facilities resulting in you taking up their slack. Please stand firm in your decisions, whatever they might be, as you need help and support too.

I hope your escape with your DD helped you both and gave you time to be yourselves for a while.

I’m sorry that you weren’t able to keep this separate, OP. I did refer very loosely as my advice was only really relevant if that was indeed you.

As it is, I agree with Bloozie.

Your husband is still really unwell. This isn’t about having some caring responsibilities as some have assumed. It’s about you and your DD living with someone unpredictable, suicidal, and who scared paramedics with his behaviour.
That isn’t right. You should not be expected to manage him and protect your DD simply because you are married.

All too often services discharge people into unsafe homes. Children who aren’t allowed to be 121 with social workers, or driven by a social worker, being placed in foster homes where only one adult is generally available. It’s clearly wrong.

He is still not stable and safe at the hospital. Your home is less safe than the hospital. He hasn’t recognised his own behaviour yet.

The good man that he is, wouldn’t want you and DD in this situation.

Ultimately your daughter comes first here,she’s having a very tough time of it and her home should be her safe space. And unfortunately it can’t be with your husband as ill as he currently is. I agree with others that you need to make it clear that he can’t come home to you sooner rather than later otherwise you could end up in a really difficult position

@IveNameChangedObviouslydo you know what his diagnosis is? Depending on the severity of that (and it sounds that way), if you feel like you don’t want to live with him despite him being on medication, then it’s best to get the financial affairs and house separated. It’s perfectly human to feel like you can’t be around someone who’s morphed into someone else. It’s sad no doubt but if that’s your reality, it’s better you accept it now and work towards it, for all your sakes.

In that case, my previous comment still stands. He's been unwell for less than a year and it's not going to just be fixed with some pills after a psychotic break. 2 He needs his family now and he needs a chance to get better. I feel for you and I can imagine after years and years of no improvement, it might be hard to carry on, but if I ever had an episode like this and certainly hope my husband would be able to stick by me for a lot longer than 7 months, and I would for him.

Supporting doesn’t mean she has to have him in the house with her daughter though.