I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

So you'd let someone who could kill your child live in your house?

I don’t understand the part that’s funny here. No not exactly the same reason, no. Why are you so rattled by a differing opinion?

I agree with this.
You poor woman.

Illness or not, he threatened your child.
You have every right to admit that has changed you for ever.

It certainly would me.
I doubt i would ever feel safe again.

I think you and your daughter come first.

I haven't read the whole thread (but the first few pages...tis 20 pages long). I think the question you need to ask is not just whether you are OK or husband's ok but more importantly, whether your daughter will be OK. They say "kids come first " as a throwaway, when in this situation, they really ddo.If she's not coping now & he isn't in the home what will she be like when he is? She will notice your unhappiness and that'll make her unhappy too. It's not your husband's or anyone's fault. It's a hard situation. You need to tread lightly and take the advice of people here who know more than I do.

I am sorry this has happened to you. And your post highlights for me some of my qualms about marriage vows

It is a sad situation.

But the OP’s husband was in a severe state of psychosis that first got him sectioned. It looks like he’s not recovered 100%. Or even at all.

It’s easy for us to judge if we’ve never experienced this. I can’t imagine what life has been like recently for the OP and her daughter. From her other threads, she sounded absolutely exhausted. Both physically and mentally.

If separating from be husband is the best cause of action to keep the OP and her daughter safe, then the OP should be able to air her feelings here without judgement or being guilt tripped by strangers who have no idea what it’s like.

I could not feel safe ever again around someone who threatened to kill my child, especially as that child is disabled and likely less able to read his behaviour as it deteriorated and became threatening and scary.
Speak to the staff, tell them you don't want him home, you don't want to care for him, you don't feel safe, your daughter will leave if he comes back.
You can support him outside of the house, but realistically, this man isn't who you married and this man isn't even someone you would have married.

It would be good for you both to have space. You may come back together or you may not. Maybe frame it as space required for you all to heal and see where it goes. This gives you time for him to get use to a new normal without feeling it’s all over at once.
You’re not doing anything wrong. 💐

So you think OP and her dd (who has her own medical issues) should stay in an unsafe environment? The dd (and OP) are clearly traumatized after several discharges that spiralled out of control (the DH can't accept he's ill so doesn't take medication) as well as previous threats that meant they had to leave the home.

Shouldn't the dd come first?

I absolutely agree. It’s easy to say “I would do whatever it takes” when you’re not the one having to do it.

The OP’s daughter didn’t want to be in the house with her dad even for his short visit. And I don’t blame her. I know how hard it is to try and maintain even a low contact relationship with someone who has problems this extreme and I wouldn’t judge anyone for saying they can’t or don’t want to put the energy in.

People are allowed to divorce when they are not happy, and especially when the relationship is no longer an equal partnership.

Edited to add: if he wasn’t mentally ill, you might be able to go through marriage counselling - but he literally can’t fix himself. And neither can the doctors or they would have stabilised him on medication long before now. So it’s not really fair on him to expect him to be able to be an equal partner.

I'm sorry, OP, you're in a horrendous situation. But given he has threatened your daughter's life, he can't come home. When you boil it down, it truly is just that simple.

There is no way that you, as a parent, can allow a man who has threatened to murder your daughter and isn't in his right mind, to be near her. Not until he's spent a good length of time showing that he's mentally stable again, and not likely to relapse. And I'm sure that he, as he was before this mental illness, would support you in your decision to keep him as he is now, away from her.

Think about the worst case scenarios - in the very worst case scenario for him not coming home, it's possible he might kill himself. In the very worst case scenario if he does come home, he might murder your daughter and kill himself.
Which of these situations is preferable?

You need to make it very clear to the hospital that he isn't safe to be at home, and you won't be taking him. Frankly, I'd consider reporting his threat to the police if there's a possibility it might strengthen your position that he's not safe to be at home, because there's no way he can be allowed in the house after making that threat.

Unsafe discharges happen all the time. Mental health teams are on their knees, they will absolutely rely on families being placed in unsafe situations. Unless you have supported someone with complex mental health issues who are a danger to themselves and their families, there is no understanding of the trauma inflicted and PTSD as a result of inappropriate discharges. OP's duty, as was mine, is to keep her child and herself safe.

I think I recognise you from your initial posts about this. I am sorry you’re struggling, but absolutely understand you & think you’ve done amazingly well. Do what is right for you and your DD.

He threatened to take her away. It hasn’t been said that he threatened to murder her.

He said he'd take her away and the OP would never see either of them again. I think it's pretty clear what he intended to do. I really don't think he was planning, in his psychotic state, to start a happy new life elsewhere with his 16-year-old daughter, away from the OP.

You really have no idea of what OP and her daughter have been through. Understandably as OP has chosen to not give all the details that some of us were privy to seven months ago. In the circumstances your comments are not really helpful.

It doesn't matter that he wouldn't do it if the tables were turned. People are different and vary hugely in what they can cope with. You have to do what is right for you, not what you imagine is the 'right' thing to do. Life isn't a virtue competition.

This is an incredibly tricky situation OP. I Think you’ve had lots of helpful advice on this thread and from what others have said it seems clear that need to tell your husband’s medical team, and social worker that you are not prepared to have him back to the home, or to take any responsibility for his care.

Most importantly you need to do this now, and not after he has been discharged. If you can do this now then there is a decent chance that he when he is discharged that can be into alternative accommodation with carers.

Do not put this off. Doing so will cut off opportunities for him to be rehoused and allocated carers.

You must do what feels right but I can’t help feeling that either way, living separately is the right thing to do for now for both of you. You and DD need to feel safe, that is a very basic right which we all deserve. Regardless of how you feel about DH you have to put DD’s and your own safety first. In other words even if you did feel you wanted him home it wouldn’t be a sensible way forward- you feel unsafe and traumatised. That’s totally reasonable.

DH may recover more, or he may not. He’s potentially more likely to recover in alternative accommodation, with carers and support than if he came back to your joint home. If you feel able to you can support him whilst he’s living elsewhere. You won’t have abandoned him, but you will have done the best thing for everyone involved.

My own experience of divorce leads me to think that it could be a very difficult process and as things stand currently your DH would be considered vulnerable, high needs and unable to support himself. As such he’d likely be awarded a significant proportion of your joint assets. I think maybe it would be best to put this option on the back burner for now.

This is spot on.

@IveNameChangedObviouslyI wonder if a charity such as women’s aid might be able to offer advice.

I appreciate that you didn’t want to add very much backstory to your OP, but what this boils down to is that you and DD feel unsafe around DH, and his previous behaviour has left you feeling traumatised. It’s clearly not his fault that he’s unwell, no one is blaming him but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to kip yourself and DD safe.

I think MumsnetHQ should put a request on this for people to RTFT before replying. OP is getting a lot of harsh and unhelpful advice because people aren't aware of the situation. I know you wanted to leave the back story off but honestly that feels like a form of emotional self-harm the wording in the OP seems like maybe he's about depressed about losing a limb or something and now you just don't fancy it. That is obviously very different from 'My psychotic husband had to be sectioned after he began having fixated delusions about, and threatened to abscond with, our disabled daughter. Now he's having suicidal episodes and not complying with meds WIBU to say he cant move back in with us?'

I'm so sorry for what your family has been through it's so terribly unfair but what you are feeling is understandable and CORRECT you feel uncomfortable about him coming home because he really cannot come home!

My mother had a severe psychiatric breakdown when I was 11 and tried to kill me. She was in hospital for 6 months. I developed PTSD with OCD features which relapses from time to time. When she came home it was very hard, she was initially different but we made it work and became close again. On medication, she was stable but still had major mood issues.

Unfortunately, I became her carer after my grandmother died. I'm not sure that was healthy or whether if she had gone into supported care and I had other stable care, things may have been easier for me.

I am just saying this to let you know that whatever you decide, please put yourself and your child at the centre of it. If he is really, truly compliant with medications and treatment (which it doesn't really sound like tbh) then maybe he could come home for a while, sleep in the living room or something, while you work out other accommodations for the long term.

I guess if he owns 50% of the house when your child is 18 you might have to sell and give him his share. Would that work?

My heart goes out to you. No one understands the impact of severe psychotic mental illness like this unless they have directly experienced it. It's not your husbands fault, it's tragic. But you have your own life and most importantly that of your daughter to think about. Best of luck x

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

Then there's nothing more to say. Get divorced. Plenty of men don't stock around when their partner gets a permanently disabling condition or a serious or terminal diagnosis. You don't have to either. People will judge you, but that's just them and their opinions, you'll have to learn not to let it affect you emotionally - because it can't affect you practically, so it's within your control. You probably will need to make some new friends that don't know your history and just don't tell them, then they can't judge. Moving to a new town will help.

Do it now before he comes home permanently, because it'll be so much harder to leave when you're enmeshed in caring duties, for one thing you'll have no time to organise things in if you're running around after him all the time. And it will impact his life if you divorce at that stage, better to do it now so he doesn't come home until he can cope without needing a carer and the hospital/social services have put in place support workers for him. He'll be discharged far sooner if they know you're at home to dump everything onto.

I absolutely agree with this too.

At first it sounded as if you were talking about a man who had care needs - eg/cancer, physical disability, maybe even a traumatic brain injury - but what’s happened is very, very different from all of those.

This isn’t a man who might leave the tap running or need help getting onto the toilet.

This is a man who threatened your daughter and made you both feel very unsafe. He’s still volatile and gearing up to discharge himself before he’s stable on a treatment regime.

It’s worth considering how difficult it was to get someone to section him last time - you don’t want to put yourself in this situation again. It’s not fair to you or your DD, or your DH.

He needs to be in the supported housing you mentioned where they can move swiftly if he starts to deteriorate.

As a PP said, maybe in time you’ll feel safe and will naturally come back together but for now, your priority has to be keeping your DD safe. And yourself, of course. As it stands, it’s not certain that you would all be safe for long if he came back home.

The time to get support in place by refusing to have him home is now. Once he’s back home it’s much, much harder to get help if you can’t cope or you start to feel unsafe.

I really don’t think you have any viable option other than to insist he lives elsewhere for the time being. And if that feels difficult, hold onto the fact that you’ll be doing him a favour by ensuring he’s somewhere that will get him help much faster than if he were at home, should the need arise.

Are you going to receive a lot of judgement if you break up? Yes. A lot of this judgement would be coming from people who have never lived with this and have no idea how unrelenting and unsafe this is for you and your DD. Would that be worse than living with who he has become? Probably not.
Personally I think you need to have a very frank conversation with your DD and the discharge team. I have lived with a family member with MH issues. It became their entire personality and their excuse to continue treating people badly and to opt out of adulting entirely. It took a long time but that person is not part of my life now. They affected my own MH and my kids were afraid of him. I was also unwilling to become his de facto parent. (But this person was not my DH or father of my kids. I can see why that makes your choices harder.)