I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

Absolutely agree with all PP that your daughter should come first. But if you do decide to have husband move into supported care and not to come back home (which is an absolutely reasonable decision, don't get me wrong) - I'd just be mindful about making sure the reasons are explained to your daughter as being best for everyone. The last thing anyone would want is for your daughter to feel guilty that this decision was made on behalf of her needs alone.

OP, I would advise that you make an appointment to see a solicitor.

Beginning divorce proceedings at this point may very well be the right thing for both of you.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

You might find a support group helpful - talking to people in a similar situation to you who know what it’s like https://www.bipolaruk.org/get-support/find-a-support-group/family-and-friends/

It would be totally reasonable to have a hard boundary over not living with him unmedicated. Not many relationships survive an unmedicated manic long term.

Hi there everyone,
We do rather expect everyone to read the thread prior to posting to be honest but we are happy to respond to this if doing so will help the OP by offering some background while she works out her next steps?

Please can you just remove the thread.

Thank you to everyone who took the time the comment. I have read everything and am taking it on board.

@IveNameChangedObviously my PMs are always open if you need to offload without explanation or justification. Take care of yourself.

Good luck @IveNameChangedObviouslyand please stay safe.

same here re pm xx

Wishing you well. I think of you often. 💐

Isn’t the point that the OP didn’t want to tell the backstory. She wanted an opinion on her present feelings, not a rerun of everything that had been said before. People should have respected that.

The trouble then though, is that you get people who are picturing the DH as a depressed double-amputee and they’re judging the OP for saying she doesn’t want to do it.

The context is very relevant here.

You're assuming a Christian church wedding here. You don't need to vow "in sickness and in health" in a civil ceremony, or probably in various ceremonies. Marriage is a legal contract which stands until it is ended by death or divorce. For those who choose to combine this with a faith or other belief system ceremony and vows it can mean much more, but we cannot assume what sort of marriage others have had.

Just to say here, I am religious and I don’t take the idea of divorce lightly at all, but why can’t it be him who says “your health is as important as mine and I can see that my presence in your home would negatively impact your health”? In abusive relationships, for example, they’re never going to say that. So if they don’t really love or care about you, divorce it is. In other circumstances, the partner may not see that they have become a negative influence (because they’re ignorant, selfish or mentally ill) and divorce is necessary then too - alcoholics, compulsive gamblers. It doesn’t really matter what the problem is if they can’t fix it, we don’t have to sacrifice our lives for someone just because we once believed or hoped that we could make our relationship work for the rest of our lives or in sickness and in health.