I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

It's only weird if you think it's weird every time you hear about an elderly person going into a care home, and the council don't immediately turn their spouse onto the street so the house can be sold to pay for it. I'm pretty sure they won't make him sell his house to pay for his care whilst there's a child living there, but this is one of the many many things OP will need to investigate.

OP he's a safeguarding risk, and a threat to the financial security of the whole family if his needs conflict with your job. It makes sense to support him at arms length, and you don't have to divorce unless that makes more sense practically (benefits, care funding etc).

Your home is your DD's safe place, and for DH it's still an appreciating investment and a home for his DD. Which you are paying the mortgage on, so no need to feel guilty!

This makes no sense.

I have cared 24/7 for my bedbound DH for nearly 4 years now and did a lot of care before that point. It takes more effort than can be easily described and if you know you can't do it for him, it is best for both of you to bail out now, it really is. Make arrangements for yourself and talk to him too, because you are not up to or for this and although I'm not judging you, he will need proper care to stay safe, and you can't do it.

Hi @IveNameChangedObviously . You really don’t know what he’d do if the situation was reversed. You have put up with a hell of a lot and still are doing. Quite aside from your own interests ( which are more than enough, but I think you don’t believe that yourself) you ave to protect your daughter and having what is essentially an unknown person live with you is not ok. It’s sad, a real shame, but your H needs to work on his own recovery and you need to look after yourself and your daughter.
Take care OP.

I now recognise this poster. You don't want to be with him, you (understandably) want to protect your child. You know what you need to do to extricate yourself I think and if you don't seek help.

The council can’t put a charge on your property or include its value in a financial assessment if your spouse, civil partner, or unmarried partner still lives in it. When one partner moves permanently into a care home, the home is fully protected by mandatory property disregard. The partner cannot be forced to sell or leave the home to pay for residential care fees. The same rule applies if the home is still occupied by a relative aged 60 or over, a disabled relative, or a dependent child under 18.

There is a caveat though. The home you’re resident in is the only home eligible for the disregard. If you sell up to downsize, the council can apportion 50% of the profit to care fees.

It's not safe for either the OP or her daughter to be living with a man who is experiencing psychosis.

If @IveNameChangedObviously 's DH needed supported living (specialist housing with support that aims to directly reduce the likelihood of readmission to hospital) then it is illegal to means test that. So any assets, including housing, will be ignored.

If it was safe for him to return home and have visiting support, or day services, or clinic based support, that would be offered. But if it would be unsafe for him to return home, it may well be that the fact that he would be excluded from financial support to rent ordinary housing means that supported living is the most appropriate provision in the short term.

Do you intend to buy him out of his share of the house? If he cant work he may well be entitled to more than 50/50.

I can understand the jealousy. I don't take it for granted that I am surrounded by such good people (and, particularly, such good men) - I just wish it was the same for every woman.

My husband is a feminist. He's also one to speak out when other men are inappropriate in any way. The amount of times I've been out with him and he's excused himself because he's seen something and wanted to check the women were ok / let them know they're not alone... We've been out to dinner and he's overheard the way a husband spoke to his wife (highly inappropriately) so he's gone over, called the man out on what he's said and offered his support to the wife. We were in a bar, once, in the middle of the afternoon and I got the "Sorry, darling, do excuse me for a moment" as he got up to leg it outside. Some random bloke had put his hand on a woman's arse so my husband ran out to confront the guy, take him to task, and check on the women. We have really long chats about what he (and other men) can do to help women feel supported / safe e.g. crossing over to the other side of the road when a woman is on her own, shouting up to let a woman know he's just running and will run straight past her if he's out on a jog and a woman is ahead - that sort of stuff. He does all the chivalrous stuff - opens doors, walks on the outside of the pavement, carries anything heavy, goes before women down the stairs and before them up the stairs. He's also the biggest supporter of me, my career, my hobbies, my well-being. He's forever telling me to take some time out to myself (I'm really bad at doing that).

I don't say any of this to gloat. I say this as an example of one of the many exceptional men who do exist and I really hope, at some point, a good man comes into your life and helps to repair all the damage caused by others. I genuinely cannot begin to imagine what you've been through - I note that the mistreatment extends beyond relationships which suggests you've been in some very dark places. I am so sorry that you've been so let down.

The impact it has had on you is excruciatingly sad. The damage is clearly extreme. Have you had any counselling? Please do seek out help, if you haven't already. You deserve so much better.

I really hope, one day, you can find your old self.

In view of @ThreadGuardDog 's post, do not do this.

I don’t think the context of the back story is going to significantly change people’s advice, and if it does, isn’t it necessary for relevant advice?

Of course, having believed he might harm your daughter is relevant, but the way you described her feelings made that sort of at least hinted at anyway.

It doesn’t change my advice. I have a relative who has been in and out of hospital due to mental health for years (none voluntarily, except for a period where they could either agree to injections or be sectioned so it wasn’t really a choice anyway). I love my relative with all my heart but we can’t have a relationship anymore because of the illness, I don’t think you have to stay with him. I don’t think you should encourage your daughter to have any contact either.

You really aren’t obliged to have him living with you and your daughter and to care for him. People who are saying you should stick to your marriage vows are being ridiculous. You aren’t obliged to stick to them either, which may well mean the end of your marriage but that doesn’t sound as if that is a problem. Do what is right for you and your daughter.

@IveNameChangedObviously knows that I've talked before about my experiences both as the daughter and mother of people with psychosis.

I do believe in 'til death do us part' and 'in sickness and in health'. However, there also comes into play health and safety.

This isn't a trivial illness. When he's psychotic, the rational part of @IveNameChangedObviously's brain isn't working. Even if he has moments of insight, the psychotic thoughts are stronger.

People are perhaps not appreciating that release from hospital doesn't mean someone is well. DM was so unwell, but after 3 months, one of which was spent in general hospital with 1:1 supervision due to (prescribed) drug induced kidney failure, and 5 stones weight loss, it was decided she was safer at home. We're now 9 years on and she's still not massively better than she was. She's physically disabled because of the impact of her illness, and she's still on a shed load of drugs.

DD1 cycles in and out of psychosis. She hasn't been hospitalised because, frankly, she'd be at huge risk (LDs).

@IveNameChangedObviously is thinking about a fully grown man that is likely taller and stronger than her. I know from my nursing days that when little old ladies went 'mad' with constipation or a UTI, they were frighteningly strong. Now imagine a fully grown man who is convinced that something is true and you're just colluding in a lie.

Please think about what you're saying to this woman who has been traumatised. I remember driving my psychotic mother to hospital to be admitted. It's frightening and you don't ever forget it. @IveNameChangedObviously hasn't forgotten the horror of realising that when the chips are down there is nobody to help. She fought for the help her DH has had.

I don’t mean to be overly harsh or unsympathetic to how you feel but I can’t relate to this. He is your husband, you are supposed to be a team/family unit, and you don’t walk out on someone you married/love because times got tough. How would you feel if it was yourself in his shoes? I found this all very sad to read

Do stop with the guilt tripping, It doesn’t matter who he is fgs, if he is unsafe to have at home, then of course they can’t take the risk. Relapses are common, and can be a very frightening/very dangerous for loved ones.

????

I wouldn't be living with him again either if I were in your shoes OP
I've been on the receiving end of living with a partner with mental health issues (nowhere near as serious as your DH is experiencing) and unless you've been there you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Do whatever is best for yourself and your DD and I hope you can make peace with the decision you make 💐

Can you not hear the grief and trauma in @IveNameChangedObviously's OP? It's just not as simple as 'times got tough'.

She hasn't even said she's divorcing him.

No not guilt tripping - it’s my opinion - OP is his wife and do I think she should step up when it matters. He wouldn’t get home if he was deemed to be unsafe. So if his family won’t care for him, who does? And that’s rhetorical because I care for someone who was sectioned under the mental health act a number of years ago. The immediate family left this person in their time of need. I’ve also seen situations where the family stood by their spouses too.

Yes grief and trauma. Yet no empathy for the husband.

Spoken like someone who doesn’t know anyone who has been sectioned.

Well if you read on you will see I do.

What a lot you're carrying. Seven months of this on your own, and now the added pressure of him "popping round" like it's nothing, when for you it's clearly everything.

A few things jumped out at me, for what they're worth:

None of this makes you a bad person. Not wanting him home, not wanting him on your clean bedding, not being able to imagine laughing together again - that's not cruelty, it's exhaustion and grief for the marriage and person you had. You're allowed to mourn that even though he's still alive. It's a strange, lonely kind of grief because there's no permission slip for it.

You don't have to decide anything today. He wanting to "pop round" doesn't mean you have to hand him a key, or pretend everything's normal, or figure out the rest of your marriage before he's even walked through the door. You can be kind and still keep boundaries - ask him to ring before he comes, keep visits short to start with, be honest that it's a big adjustment for you too.

The caring question and the marriage question are two separate things. You can love him, or want to do right by him, and still not want to be his carer, and still not know if you want the marriage to continue. All three of those can be true at once and none of them cancel the others out.

Your daughter avoiding the topic entirely is worth keeping an eye on - not because you need to force her to talk, but she might need her own outlet (school counsellor, or just you gently leaving the door open) for whenever she's ready.

The anger you've boxed away will need unpacking eventually, but you're right that now isn't the moment. Just don't let "later" become "never" - maybe when things settle, some counselling (for you alone or Relate-type support if you do try to make a go of it) could give you somewhere to put all that.

You're not failing him or your daughter by not having this all figured out. You're a person who's been holding a family together alone for months and now facing a version of your husband and your future that you didn't sign up for. Be as gentle with yourself as you'd be with a friend in this position. 💛

Lol have you actually dealt with someone who's been on a section for the reasons he has?