I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

You don't have to give it a chance. You can decide now that this life isn't for you. And what's the right thing for your DD?

What was his and dd relationship like before? Isn't he wondering why she isn't visiting?

Perhaps you can explain to him what it is that has made you feel this way. It's his house and his daughter. Surely you can give him an explanation

Does he have anywhere else to go when he comes out of hospital?

it does sound like you know what you want and pretending otherwise will not help the three of you.

Give yourself permission to live the life you want.

You've spent years dealing with his crap. Whether his crap was entirely "his fault" or not, you were still on the receiving end.

He sounds very far away from mentally stable and understanding what you and DD have been through. Your resentment is legitimate, don't dismiss it as unjustified.

You’ve clearly both been through a lot. Being thrust into the carer role is an overwhelming time in anyone’s life. Especially with personality change and perhaps ongoing medical needs thrown into the mix.

Have you talked to him and to anyone at the hospital about this? It is I’m afraid quite a major deal if you’re going to say he can’t be discharged home. If I’m honest I would probably get legal advice as I’m not sure what your rights are.

Does he understand everything that happened and what you have had to do? Does he still have the same relationship with you?

It's hard tbh, in sickness and in health. And I'd be devastated if DH dumped me because he didn't want to support me after a mental health crisis.

But you've also been through a lot.

Where else would he be able to go? He needs somewhere stable, he can't be living on his brother's sofa or anything. And helping him recover will benefit your daughter in the long run. Is there a potential that he will be a functioning person even in 5 years, or will he likely always be in and out of hospital?

Honestly, no one here can really give you the answers. It's easy to say what you would do, when you're not actually having to do it.

How would it work with your work? Presumably he can't be left alone especially with your daughter. Will you be able to achieve that.

Do you work? If so, realistically, how much time can you give to caring duties?

When you say it is his house...do you mean only he owns it or you both do?

Can you afford to move out?

You don't have to be his carer. If you feel you need to see if you can work through the problems, good, but consider a back up plan so that you are not trapped if you can't make it work.

It’s ok to feel that way. Have you spoke to your dd about how she feels about him coming back to live with you? If not I’d ask her or gauge things from this visit.
If you want a divorce you need to tell him and probably best to do so while he’s in hospital incase it impacts on his recovery. You need to let staff know as it will affect his discharge. You need think about splitting of assets, will you have to move house to sell? Does he have other support, if I am remembering your previous posts correctly he has a brother? If yes let them know too.

I’m so sorry OP. I left my partner as I realised I would never want to look after him if he because seriously ill. I also realised I wouldn’t want him looking after me either.

Our daughter wont talk. Her main mode of communication is grunts and door slamming (she was doing this before everything kicked off. It's no better or worse than it was so it's not directly related to him). I think she wants her DAD home but the last few times she has seen him, it hasn't been her dad so she is conflicted. I told her he might be coming round and she said shes going to go out then. She doesnt enjoy spending time with him at the moment and tbf I understand why as does he. He has the self awareness to know he isn't who he was.

Being his carer will make your situation worse, you will feel lots of resentment from that, on top of the feelings you already have.
Can you afford to buy him out/pay rent alone?

We joint own. It would be a very tight squeeze but I could afford it myself. I'd have to because our mortgage is half the price of rent and it's a tiny house so we can't even downsize.

He would be entitled to supported housing of some sort. It wouldn't be pretty. I'd feel horrendous making him use it.

No other assets.

Can you, would he accept, support him to set up a separate life? Or will he insist on remaining as a married couple?

He would never do this to me. He is a better person than me and it wouldn't even cross his mind. That makes everything I'm feeling so much worse.

Was this the situation where you ended up in a hotel? And there were issues with how he was communicating with his workplace?

If so, it’s not as straightforward as some will say. I would claim a diagnosis of trauma for you and your DD, and insist on different living arrangements.

Unless he’s totally accepted what happened, and what it felt like for you two, I don’t see how it’s sustainable.

Gosh, this is so hard.
I know in sickness and in health is a huge deal but it’s not about real life is it?
Your daughter comes first, I am afraid.
And I am someone who has care needs for physical issues but it’s important to me my other half has his own life.
You are stuck in a loop where you and your DD can only have any type of life whilst your DH is not there.
Personally, I think you’ve done enough.
I don’t think your DH has any idea of what he’s put your through. No idea at all, because he’s not the man he was.
If he returns it means you will have to give up the functioning part of your life. He doesn’t appear to be getting much better and could be in and out of hospital for years.
You could still have a different type of relationship if he was in some sort of supported accommodation.

What’s his condition? I can’t work
out if he’s been in a mental hospital or in an acute hospital for a physical condition?

It's a psychiatric hospital. I'm not sure why OP name changed as connecting her previous threads is helpful for context.

What is it that happened to cause him to be in hospital for so long? Is there a chance that with rehab he will improve?

I am a carer, and it’s really not uncommon to feel like this. I know of families who have literally told the medical staff to find the person accommodation because they wouldn’t be able to cope. You could try and have a conversation with staff, out of earshot of hubby of course, and see where the land lies there.

Is there any space to give you both separate sleeping arrangements? At the very least two single beds, either side of some storage shelves. Be cohabiting and supporting your daughter's father in getting back to good health for her sake of your daughter.

Rather than seeing it as your husband and returning to married life. Like looking after a relative. Maybe see if he can be in supported living and visit once a week initially or something.

I think you're right to not want to jump straight in. It's a very delicate situation and needs treating very carefully as you and your daughter also matter.

Oh OP! As others have said…you are absolutely entitled to live your life how you see fit (for you and your daughter).

I think you are the same poster whose husband had a huge breakdown, was ringing work inappropriately, ordering all kinds of things off the internet and eventually agreed to go to the psychiatric hospital. If so, you and your daughter have been through SO much! I often wondered what had happened to you…if I recall correctly, you had a 30 Day only thread running?

Stick to your decision…you will find your peace 💖

Do you mean you could afford to buy him out or afford to take over the mortgage?

Because if you split up regardless of what he's entitled to in terms of supported living he's still be entitled to 50% of the house. So you'd either have to buy him out or sell up.

I wouldn't assume he won't go down that route. People change during divorces.

Surely you wouldn’t want him to just leave whilst you keep the equity in the house?

If you don’t want to be with him any more, you should be honest and tell him, and the house should be sold and split fairly.

It sounds rather like you just want him to quietly go away whilst you keep the house.

This sounds like the situation of friends. He had a near fatal accident and the head trauma made him a worse version of who had been.

In the end he asked for a divorce because the wife didn’t/couldn’t be what he wanted. The kids didn’t want this new version there etc.

Its A very sad and painful situation.