I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

This is a very important point, both that you can always get back together in the future if things changed, and that it is incredibly difficult to stop being somebody’s carer.

SS would not step in when our situation reached crisis point, I repeatedly said I would no longer care for exH and they just kept saying they would look in to alternative accommodation but it would take months. I had to refuse to care for him, and they still ignored me. We ended up in a massive crisis in which he had to leave, but this could all have been avoided if SS had taken me seriously.

Just because he has a right to the house does not mean he will be discharged there if it isn't suitable accommodation for him. If suitable care and sleeping arrangements can't be organised then the hospital can't just dump him in the house and leave them to it. He was a danger to himself and his child at his worst, it's a rather serious situation and the hospital cannot just discharge him into unsettled conditions as he could relapse quite seriously.

OP would have to pay him out of the house at some point. The complication being he probably can't handle sorting all the financials out for a good while.

If the patient was no longer in need of a psychiatric hospital but not well enough to live alone, he'd be moved to a crisis house or supported living. Because he has been under a Section 3, he'd be entitled to Section 117 aftercare, which means his care would be free for as long as it was necessary to prevent readmission.

I agree with most of the PP that you should not feel guilty in any way to say that you and your DD are going to be better without him living with you. I'd be pushing SS and encouraging DH to take up the offer of supported accommodation, perhaps promising to stay in touch and visit. Is his planned visit to your current home being seen as some sort of test as to how it will work out or just as a day out for him? If it's somehow testing the water, the fact that your DD refuses to be there should be ringing alarm bells. I do wish you well in these difficult times.

Tell the team at the hospital how you feel.

Then I think you will have to be honest with him and also as others have said speak to the discharge team to say you want to end your marriage.
No one will judge you and if you feel they do let them, none are living your life
Sending support

This is what's so frustrating. The support isn't there at the beginning, then it gets to crisis point and becomes something that costs 100x as much in terms of cost, time and harm. It's all reactive. In my case the separation was as a result of the 3rd time he was put under MH support and nothing was done. I've called the CMHT to ask what support is being put in place this time and have been told they will ring me back, but they don't. I know they are busy but if intervention was put in place earlier they would not need to do so much crisis support surely?

if I was giving advice from my own experience, I’d say ‘don’t give it a chance’ don’t waste your life. Do the hard thing. Do it now while your mind is clear.

Your life is worth something. You don’t have to sacrifice it anymore.

It still isn’t clear to me what your plan or preferred option is regarding living arrangements.

You have equity in a jointly owned house, so I can’t see how staying in the house and taking over the mortgage - and him going into publicly funded accommodation - is an option. While he has his share of house equity and other assets, these should fund his rent and non-health related needs until his assets fall below the UC limits.

At least I hope that this is how it works. I think you need to plan on the basis of selling the house and starting over.

When you say 'new rules' and way of living, what would that look like?

MH is so different from when I first started 30 years ago, wanting to change the world and support everyone.
It is a failing service across the country with practitioners doing what they can with limited resources, the number of people community teams are trying to manage is so overwhelming, no one rings because there is nothing left to offer and everything defaults to crisis care. The hoping none of your caseload needs a bed or dies today is real.
Your situation is rubbish and people deserve better but unless you are in it as you are, no one really sees how rubbish it is and nothing changes.
Sending support to you.

Again, he is entitled to Section 117 aftercare, so he will not be means tested if he needs supported accommodation. Only once his accommodation needs are not deemed to be preventative of readmission to hospital will his assets be relevant.

I don't know who you are op but I think you should save yourself and your children.

I understand, but I got the impression that the OP may be thinking that staying in the house, without buying him out, is an option.

OP, I really feel for you. I had a similar (I think) situation. My H came home for a visit, decided he couldn’t cope with being back in that particular house. I never felt I was dependent on him but I felt responsible for him. Our relationship hadn’t been great for a while and, looking back, I can see it was all wrong from the start.

We separated, then divorced. It took me a while but it was either him, or me. If we had stayed together neither of us would have anywhere near happy, my family were concerned for my safety and I would have lost friends anyway.

Is it that there is no ‘good’ outcome to your situation but can you find the one that is least bad and helps you salvage the most of what matters to you. (For me it was feeling safe in my own home.) The future probably won’t be easy and absolutely filled with fun either way, but maybe going it alone gives you the opportunity and freedom for things to be as good as they can be? It’s not like you’re leaving him to a life of squalor whilst you go and live in a palace. Nor will your mental and physical health be unscathed by this, I wouldn’t have thought.

You have chosen none of this, but maybe this is a positive choice you can make.

I am a carer of a severely disabled person, and I find your post deeply unhelpful. You have explained how things progressed for your own parents, and predict how you would support your DH in the same way; but every situation is different in terms of the specific health concerns, the severity of impact on the individual, the capacity and resources of the carer etc. There is precious little support for carers. Some caring responsibilities are manageable and others aren't for a number of reasons, and I wouldn't presume to judge someone who decides they can't do it.

I don't know the OP's history but based on this thread alone, I don't have anything but compassion, for her as well as her family.

Are you actually aware of the previous threads detailing the precise circumstances, or are you imagining the situation based only on the OP?

The OP here really (deliberately) doesn't explain why what you suggest doesn't really work without OP being at risk of harm.

That might be the best thing for him TBH. If she takes over paying the mortgage it will protect his asset for a future date rather than handing a mentally unwell person a large sum of money and expecting him to do something sensible with it...

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed

The way you are feeling now is telling you that no, it could not have been fixed. You’re feeling guilty and this is wishful thinking in hindsight.

Your daughter’s behaviour is telling you that she is much, much better off without him.

👆this.

OP, I think I remember previous posts. My FiL was sectioned a few years ago. He came out and made MiLs life a misery. He punched her during an argument and that was it - she divorced him. She should have done it years, decades ago. He had a deeply unpleasant side that is now visible to everyone that he previously hid - though she got the brunt of it. When he came out of hospital, he kept saying it was her job to fix him. It is NOT her job!

Get your ducks in a row, separate what you can of your finances, and leave him. If what I remember correct, he's unlikely to go back to being the man you married.

It's difficult to judge as you've been sparse with detail but on the face of it, in sickness and in health. He needs you now more than ever. It sounds like before you needed him and now the roles have reversed, he should be able to depend on you. And it sounds as though your daughter has also absorbed the message that his role is to serve your and her needs and if he's not able to do that he doesn't have worth.

"My dad became paralysed and my mum didn’t leave him and loved him until his last day on the planet. She cared for him for 20 years and didn’t once question whether they should be together, the last 2 years when he had to go into a home (very significant dementia) she was devastated that she had been unable to manage anymore."

So your Mum coped until your Dad had a condition which changed his personality and mental faculties.

The OP is talking about a man who has a condition which changes his personality and mental faculties.

Can you see the similarity?

Please see my previous response. OP has left out backstory