I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

You are in an awful situation here. But regardless of what some may think about marriage vows - you married a different person. You cannot continue in the marriage without destroying your own life and bringing a similar effect to your daughter. Her not speaking tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

Your decision is made. You're just having trouble coming to terms with it.

Pay no concern to what other people might think of your decision. It's not their life or their business. It's yours.

Tell his health team that you are now estranged and that you will not be his carer and you will not be living together. This is very important.

Do whatever you can to progress him going to a supported-living setup.

You don’t have to continue the marriage or the relationship with him. But if it’s a jointly owned home you can’t just prevent him from coming back to it or assume you get to stay in it if the marriage fails. You could be a supportive person in his life without being in a marriage/relationship. It sounds like the terms of the r relationship have changed beyond recognition and it’s ok if you don’t want to continue. But I think you can still act with care and compassion towards him as the father of your child, which I’m sure you will.

If he has been in hospital for so long then they cannot send him home without a proper discharge plan that involves everyone.

Ask to speak in confidence to the social worker who will be dealing with this. Make sure they know where you stand.

I am a retired social worker and used to work mainly with people with brain injury, some of whom underwent massive personality change, so this was something that had to be addressed regularly. And the views and needs of the family were very much part of the equation. We understood how hard it can be for them.

Talk to the hospital and find out who is overseeing his discharge.

From your initial post here I'd have a different answer from having seen some sprinkled clues through other replies who seem to know what's going on.

Because I read your post and couldn't believe that you'd consider not allowing him to come home and that you were refusing any caring as part of your marriage and family. And I was shocked and saddened that your daughter wasn't visiting or engaging.

However, it sounds like there's a much longer and more complex back story to this which I just don't know enough about.

You can think and feel what you like and you don’t need to stay in the marriage, but you do need to navigate the situation with respect and dignity for everyone involved. You’re the person in the position of power here and your home is your DH’s home as well. Tread carefully for everyone’s sake.

I am so sick of posts where people just want to check out of a marriage because their partner is now disabled.

Did you forget ‘in sickness and in health’?

My dad became paralysed and my mum didn’t leave him and loved him until his last day on the planet. She cared for him for 20 years and didn’t once question whether they should be together, the last 2 years when he had to go into a home (very significant dementia) she was devastated that she had been unable to manage anymore.

If my husband becomes unwell or disabled I will be standing by him, much like I know he would do with me (even though I would hate for him to have to look after me).

I genuinely don’t know how people who are carers or who are disabled themselves can tolerate threads like this one.

You are both different people now. Regardless of how things were, say, 2 years ago, none of you are the same.
You are all traumatised by your experiences and I don’t think it will be easy to recover, together.
Please don’t let anyone dismiss the trauma you and DD have been through and how hard it’s been to recover.

If he really understood your experience would he still, as a good man, expect you to stay? Would he want his DD to be in your situation?
Because a good man would understand.

Has he shown any understanding of the situation, or is he simply ‘stable’?

When you say you could afford the house yourself thats not how it works the house would have to be sold unless you can afford to buy him out which i doubt,

I think I remember your previous threads but I am not sure how you can stop him from going home if you jointly own your home unless you are selling and splitting the assets.
From a discharge point of view unless there were safety issues and or a real possibility for him to be unable to function in his own home in some way, discharge planning would be supporting him back to his own residence. If he requires or wants supported living the issue of who would fund this whilst he has assets would arise.

I am disabled and have physical care needs. My physical state affects my mental health at times.
I have no family of my own now and no DC.
It is really really important to me that my other half has his own life, and he does.
However, if I was ever in the same state the DH was in (I’ve read previous threads and OP has done her best over a prolonged period) then I would want my other half to secure me care/support and live separately.
I have been a carer myself (which is not fun when you are disabled yourself) but that was for someone terminally ill. It broke me in every sense. But that has an end date to it, and I’m just been being practical by saying that.
The young daughter here matters - she’s been traumatised and frightened by her father, who hasn’t been her dad for a long, long time.
It is a terrible, terrible situation all round. OP had left out the back story, which I respect, but it’s pretty significant and explains her current situation.,

I was just coming here to say this. Explore what support social services will be able to give him if (or when) you separate

When you say you can afford it at a squeeze, does this include giving him money to buy him out of the house? Is there equity?

Agree. There must be a massive backstory here, and lets be honest, often people just don't have the time to search through old posts to be able to give proper advice.

Unless you can buy him out you can't expect to keep the house and he goes into supported accommodation, it doesn't work like that.

For everyone’s sake, get the ball rolling now as beng discharged from hospital will involve some kind of care plan which, if he cannot come back to you, may entitle him to help with living arrangements. It’s okay to say you cannot cope any longer, no one is unbreakable and you MUST prioritise yourself and your daughter.

Its because, despite the OPs opening position, we recognise her and know the back story.

OP, I understand your wish for anonymity but it is quite frustrating for those of us who don’t know the back-story to be in the dark. We can’t offer meaningful opinions or advice without knowing more about your DH's illness and what your marriage was like beforehand.

This man isn't disabled. He's very mentally unwell and when really bad he poses a genuine risk of harm to their vulnerable autistic child. Your post is pure projection and so unhelpful.

I think both you and DD deserve to be protected from his unpredictable and potentially dangerous behaviour. Your feelings have changed because you have to deal with the man in front of you now.

I would divorce and either buy him out or move somewhere for a fresh start with DD.

You have been through so much, I admire your strength.

He supported you a long time so at least be honest and tell him how you feel then you can arrange carer duties or where he will live if you dont want him home.
Or maybe a compromise where you have a carer a few days a week and you help with the rest?

I don’t know how the law works if they would consider the entire house as his asset in the event of a divorce or separation as his needs are higher or yours. You don’t have to divorce. You don’t have the care for him.

Not the same situation but my friend was with her husband for over 20 years he developed brain cancer and for about 5 years she was trying to work as a lawyer, manager two young children and be married to a man who had changed beyond all recognition. Even with carers in 3 times a day it was too much for her and she was out during the day and evenings and nights her sleep was disturbed the children became confused and terrified of him and he didn’t know them.

She wanted to stay married and did but eventually he had to go into a home - in his case it was terminal and he died a year later. She said she wished she had done it years earlier to give him the space and calm and care he needed. She resented the care and it was hard at night as she was working all day. She accepted he had gone years earlier

Loving them doesn’t mean they have to live there. You can say - actually I can’t do this. I can’t have you live here or be a full time carer. I can’t. But I can support you in the best residential care facilities, I can advocate for you and I can visit you.

It probably would have helped if the OP had linked her previous thread tbh. It's not as simple as that.

I think you need to have a chat with someone OP. About how you're feeling and legalities. You can't just refuse to have him back in the house but you can refuse to care for him and you may have to start the wheels to separate properly and all that comes with it

I’m really glad you posted, because what you’re describing is something that happens far more often than people admit. Seven months of crisis, responsibility, uncertainty and solo parenting will change any relationship.

Nothing you’ve written makes you a bad person, it makes you a human being who has been carrying far too much for far too long. I think you are feeling grief not rejection. You’ve lost the imperfect man he was, the relationship you had, the future you thought you were heading towards, and the version of yourself you were within that relationship. That’s a huge amount of loss to absorb while also being the only functioning adult in the home.

When someone is suddenly hospitalised for months, the partner at home often has to switch into “survival mode”: practical, protective, crisis‑manager, parent, organiser. Those roles require emotional distance. You can’t be a wife, a mother and a crisis‑manager at the same time. You didn’t fall out of love, you possibly disconnected because you had to, to survive.

The feelings you describe, the house feeling invaded, the bedding feeling wrong, the sofa feeling symbolic, those aren’t about him as a person. They’re your nervous system saying: “I cannot go back to the old dynamic. I cannot carry more. I am overwhelmed.” That’s not cruelty. That’s burnout.

You’re also dealing with the fact that things weren’t perfect before all this happened. When the foundation already has cracks, a crisis doesn’t create new problem, it shines a spotlight on the ones that were already there. It’s understandable that you’re now seeing everything more clearly.

Your daughter’s reaction makes sense too. She misses her dad, but the person she sees now isn’t the dad she remembers. She’s grieving in her own teenage way, avoidance, shutting down, not wanting to face the emotional complexity. That mirrors what you’re feeling, just expressed differently.

You’re allowed to acknowledge that your life has changed beyond recognition. You’re allowed to say you don’t want to be a long‑term carer. You’re allowed to explore supported housing without being a monster. You’re allowed to protect your mental health. You’re allowed to admit that you don’t know if the relationship can survive this. None of that means you don’t care about him. It means you’re trying to survive something enormous.

Has he spoken about how he feels about coming home, he must feel the shift in himself and in his family as you say he is self aware?

You don’t have to make a final decision today. You don’t have to declare the marriage over. But you are allowed to say: “I need support. I need space. I need honesty about what I can realistically manage.” Caring roles destroy relationships when they’re forced, not chosen. You deserve support, not guilt.

Whatever happens next, please know this: you are not failing him. You are navigating a situation that would break many people, and you’re doing it while still trying to be fair, kind and thoughtful. That says a lot about your character.
Take this one step at a time. You don’t need to have the whole future decided right now.

Hang on. How are people supposed to know there’s a massive back story here? People are trying to give opinions and it’s not their fault the OP hasn’t mentioned posting before etc.

OP I do feel as though you've maybe made this thread as a form of self punishment. People are going to berate you because they don't know what happened, obviously with the back story everyone is in support of you. Without it people are telling you how horrible it is and how they could never do it. And maybe you feel guilty so want someone to hurt you?

You are important too. Have you had any professional support?

Your dd going out as she learns her df is coming home speaks absolute volumes.

I think you have to prioritise her, she sounds traumatised. Is she receiving professional support op?

Arrangements need to be made for your dh to live elsewhere in the interim, you can’t just switch back to a life you had before now, and you can’t or don’t want to spend the rest of your life caring for him - understandably in some ways op. Contact social services and talk to the hospital. Something can be put in place. Does he have family or friends that can step in and support him/you?