I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

I have experience of a brain injury (caused by a tumour) and the person not being the same person as before.
If I could go and do it all again I would report as an unsafe discharge and insist in alternative accommodation. I would agree to no care at all. Because once they are home all the help disappears. And it becomes a battle to even get a carer once a day. Which isn’t sufficient. You’re expected to do everything. To give up your job. Your whole life.
Where will your daughter go if he moves home? Put her first and tell his medical team he cannot move home as a child will not be in the same house as him and she has nowhere else to go. Then it’s not about you or him. It’s about her

It doesn’t really change the facts though does it, regardless if it’s physical or MH, she has every right to feel that way and doesn’t have to commit to being his carer. But legally that’s half his house, he is entitled to return there. Maybe if he is the ‘better person’ as OP says he will agree to move out, but it’s not really as easy as just saying ‘no you can’t come home’

What are the anger and resentment issues you have against him?

I agree with this. If my childrens well-being and safety was at stake, in sickness and in health would completely go out the window. My ultimate responsibility is towards my children, not a husband.

You're between a very big rock and a very hard place.

I got one would not blame you if you were to divorce, but many obviously would.

If you can face the inevitable guilt and the approbation of friends and relatives, and can manage financially with the assets split (quite possibly in his favour as he is ill) then I would leave.

My heart breaks for you, your in one of my worst nightmares.

The relationship had huge problems before.
You were financially trapped.
He didn't contribute his fair share of the relationship/domestic work.
You've discovered like many women that it's easier just to do it yourself and not have the constant suppressed anger that comes from 'nagging'.
You are now being asked to be a carer for someone with whom your relationship already has huge problems, and who is now not even that person any more.

You just need to find the strength to look at this objectively, as I have done.

Yes, you may be judged, depending on how he takes it. But anyone you care about will be able to hear this objectively when you tell them, and will respond accordingly.
(You may have to wait till your daughter is older to give her the full context I think)

Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

I think that supporting someone in ill health, and respecting the "in sickness and health" aspect of marriage doesn't mean you have to attempt to keep things exactly the same as they were prior.

Think about dementia....I don't think anyone would judge a woman who felt she had to put her DH in a home due to severe dementia. She'd still be married to him, and, one assumes, she'd still take on some responsibility for him, but that doesn't mean she has to completely destroy her own life. A friend's mother had early onset alzheimers and had to be in a care home before she was 60. His dad always loved her, cared for her etc, but she lived for another 15 years. He went on to have a long standing relationship with another woman, but he was still married and cared for his wife and neither my friend nor his siblings ever judged their dad for that.

What this will look like for you I don't know, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be exploring options that don't require you and your DD to suffer more than you have.

I read your threads closely OP and have been wondering how things were.
I think your 'giving chances' has been happening, as you've been hoping things would improve, but doesn't look like they have.

The key question, which I appreciate you /other might have no idea about - is, is there any chance he'll get his old self back in any way, or is this it? Even if he did, you'd have no obligation to continue living together.

I'm glad you've found your independence, regardless!

I think I remember you too.

Getting him into supported accommodation will be 100 x easier from hospital than if he comes home first.

I would reframe it in your head. If you want to give your marriage a chance and see if it can work then supported accommodation is the only way. It gives you the space to try and rebuild slowly, to go out and do nice things without being burnt out by caring for him and DD.

And I absolutely agree that you need to make the decision before he comes home, or it will be much much more damaging to your DD (and your DH) and will likely take years.

You could see how this visit goes and then say that you won't be able to accomodate needs and that it would be unsafe for him to come home.
I agree with above poster that if you look into getting him into supported accomodation and then going from there once he is out of the hospital see how it goes maybe he will go back to how he was and things will be better. Maybe he becomes unsafe outside a hospital enviroment and you will be safe because he lives elsewhere. Him staying elsewhere doesn't mean you've abandoned him nor that you are heading for divorce. He can be well enough to leave hospital but not well enough to live without care

I agree with a PP - it's simply too disruptive for him to come home when you have a 16 year old. And look at it this way - he'll get more support if he goes into supported accommodation than he will at home where it will all fall to you. I think I recognise you OP, and am sad that you're still not putting yourself and your DD first. Life happens, and sometimes people change into people you don't know any more let alone like or love.

I split from my ex husband as I had become de facto carer, couldn’t have a job due to his care needs so I ran a small, part-time business to make ends meet. I realised, after a struggle, that I couldn’t continue. The constant illness, the D&V because he wouldn’t stick to his food regime - quite restrictive actually- and associated constant laundry that he said he was too unwell to assist with.
I, very simply, couldn’t cope with being a hands on, sometimes physically moving him from the floor, the ambulances, clinics, the massive mood swings from him, all while being peri-menopausal and quietly losing my mind. I said we needed to split up. He lives in a flat where there is help at hand if he needs it. It was not acrimonious but it wasn’t all roses either. He took it quite calmly.

What I am trying to convey is that we are not all built for constant care work, especially when people become vastly different to the person we met and married. We didn’t have a child in the mix, which was a blessing. It’s OK to want to move on.

I was thinking of you today and you've been through such a lot. I don't honestly think this is the moment to make long term decisions, but I do think you need to be kind to yourself and accept that although he has been through a huge trauma, so have you.

You're not a bad person, you've just had a bit of space for the grief to unfold and grief is ugly and messy.

I guess there is also a question about what is best for him (apologies if this has been mentioned, I’ve only read OP’s posts)

Given that he got ill whilst living in the marital home, would he be better off somewhere else? Fresh start and all that?

You also need to consider what is best for your daughter, which may not be being under the same roof as her dad….

OP you can end a relationship for any reason you like, but I understand how conflicted and mean you feel for feeling the way you do. I think I remember you earlier posts and I guess there a few a issues here, namely:

• is your DH actually safe to be home alone?
• is he safe to be in the house with your DD if you are not there?
• what is his long-term prognosis?
• what (if any) ongoing care will he be able to access either in your home or in a home of his own?
• will splitting up impact his recovery and/or is he required to be discharged to a home with other people in it and if you don't want to live with him any more will a rehab or halfway house type option be available, since many people are single and don't have a family home to return to anyway?

Wishing you all the best. It's such a hard situation

You don't have to be put through this endless trauma. Seriously. You absolutely don't have to fill all the gaps in social care by giving up your whole life and sense of security / happiness / peace. You're not responsible for these gaps, or for another autonomous adult. The marriage has broken down. He needs somewhere else to live.

Can you people not help yourselves? The OP clearly asked not to be identified.

Poor man. Can't imagine what it would be like to have a life changing illness, if this is what he has, then have my partner abandon me. It is difficult enough when someone leaves a person they expected to spend the rest of their life with, but if he's like you say, will have even have the capacity to do this? Obviously you can do what you like, but you're asking for opinions, and I would support the father of my child in this situation. Children often distance themselves/step back because it's very hard for them, but they do watch how the adults behave and I don't know what I'd have done if my mum did this.

Then he can’t come home if he needs care and there is no one committing to provide it

My heart goes out to you. My parents went through this a lot. My father would be admitted to psychiatric care for months and each time he came back it was hugely stressful for my mother. Like a bit of him had been chipped away each time. She also got used to being on her own. Humans adapt don’t they and then she’d have to back to ‘normal’ when he came home. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You’re in really tough situation and no one would blame you for not wanting him back. The stress of not knowing who is coming back and the stress of it happening again is massive. Please give yourself a break. You and your mental wellbeing is just as important.

Aww OP, I've thought of you so many times since your original posts. My xh had similar issues and it was awful - we didn't make it either, I don't think unless you've been through it that you can fully understand how psychosis can affect a person and in turn, the marriage. I have no advice, because my situation was very different, but I'm holding your hand and letting you know that it's ok to feel this way, and it's ok to want to have a brighter future for you and your DD. I'm now 13 years on and have rebuilt and live a very quiet, peaceful life

Then get it for him. If he is entitled to it then he needs it.

If in a couple of years you and DC have rebonded with the new him then you can always live together as a family once again, but it is far harder to have him home, realise you've screwed up and then needing him out. The outside support will no longer be there You need to be separated from the beginning. Start this process by speaking to his team asap.

I read your previous threads so I know what you've been going through. It must be really hard to feel like you're allowed end the relationship in your circumstances but you are allowed to. I don't really have any advice sorry, just wanted to say that I sympathise with the difficult decisions you're having to make after the extremely difficult year you've been having.