Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

You are all missing the point

Op isn't actually sorry, she's only interested in herself

Don’t you find that ‘screwed in the head’ is what most OW are? Thats why most of their relationships with married men burn and crash in the end.

I’ve never been in this situation, but if I ever were to be then I think I’d struggle not to spit in her face.

Trying to absolve herself of guilt by apologising to me to make herself feel better? Wanting my forgiveness? Nope. I would not appreciate that.

I think it’s best that you just leave the woman be. She is getting on with her life by the sounds of it, hopefully leaving her scummy husband/ex in the past and hearing from you will benefit her in no way. You would be contacting her to relieve your own guilt so don’t bother, that is yours to deal with. Sounds like you’ve learned from the mistake so just move on now and live your own life the best you can.
A woman that my ex husband had an affair with contacted me when she knew we had split up. She messaged with a heartfelt apology then asked me to team up with her in some kind of revenge plot against him because he had ‘wronged us both.’ She had been seeing him again and he was messing her around. I was dealing with a nasty divorce, an abusive ex and trying to rebuild a safe life for me and my children. The idea that she and I would become allies or that I had any time for the dramatic nonsense she was proposing was ridiculous and highlighted her self-centred, self-indulgent nature. You sound like you genuinely want to apologise but this is ultimately self-serving and will mean nothing to this woman.

I thought it would be unsettling to her for me to apologise when they were still together. I thought maybe now that she's out of it she might welcome an apology.

I am very relieved it didn't work out with me and him.

You’re so horrified that you had an affair with a man yet you still clearly kept responding to his messages until fairly recently. Give me a break. If you felt that bad you would have blocked him and never interacted with him again.

Yeah, NO.

Leave her alone.

Definitely not. I’ve never spoken to OW and never will. If she ever tried I’d tell her to fuck off.

@LivingwithHopenowandforever

I haven't been in this situation at all, but I have been in a vaguely comparable situation with contact both to and from me, and I can acknowledge that my or the other persons motivations were not pure, and there was always some element of spite or at the least curiosity about things.

What I am trying to say is that I dont think you would be contacting the wife with any other reason than finding out where your AP is, or maybe hoping that the wife will mention your in contact with her so he thinks of you, or maybe that the reminder of you will be enough to twist the knife and break them up?

The best thing you could do was disappear from their relationship

Let sleeping dogs lie!

Old proverbs = good advice

@owch Block them both and move on.

You don't think it'll be unsettling now?

I think it will look as if you have been watching from afar ever since the affair and then, for want of a better word, "credit" yourself with it ending, not in the sense of feeling proud of it but in the sense of thinking it was all caused by you and your sexual magnetism and it's all about you... even though it sounds as though they got over his affair with you but then he just couldn't keep it in his pants and he finally killed the marriage. There might even be more that you don't know about.

I agree with a PP that you sound genuinely remorseful, which is to your credit. Leave it, the entire marriage is dead now, you weren't the only one, you weren't even the last one. You didn't cheat on her, he did. He owes the apology, you need to move on with your life and leave both of them to theirs.

In my parents' case, the OW who caused the rift was out of the picture before the divorce. DM and SM got on quite well, and liked each other, although obviously our parents were at loggerheads. It has calmed now, 40 years later.

YABU for using the term "the wife".

I couldn't care less. Her welfare is nothing to me. If she feels bad she can live with it. I would prefer to have nothing to do with her. Making an apology is pointless unless one is hoping for forgiveness, or at least to ease one's conscience, and I'm not interested in helping her with either of those goals.

This comment is completely at odds with Christian mercy - it frames another person's suffering as something to be enjoyed rather than an opportunity to extend compassion and forgiveness.

In Catholic teaching, penance is a voluntary act of repentance and reconciliation with God. It's not for another person to declare, "I'll let you suffer." Remember it is God's role to judge and His alone. Christian forgiveness doesn't necessarily require reconciliation or removing all consequences, but it does reject delighting in another's pain.

Leaving these here for you:-

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44)
"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." (Luke 6:36)
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." (Matthew 5:7).

I have written this Emerald not as an attack but it comes from a place of Christian love. Best wishes to you ❤️

simple answer. No.

Nah, I’d rather hear she died in a house fire or similar… Contrition isn’t worth much where sleeping with someone else’s husband is concerned.

No 1. You knew and 2. It was 10 years ago. My ex had an affair with his manager 12 years ago. If she was to ever see me again and apologise I'd laugh in her face. She did actually tell him to tell me she was sorry (she wasn't as she carried on with him until he died, she just didn't want me to tell her husband. My ex convinced me I'd be the one blowing up her kids lives if I said anything, so I didn't for the kids sake). Whilst the majority of the blame lies with my ex, I will never forgive or forget her part in it especially as she also knew I was pregnant when the affair started, I lost the baby a few days before I found out about the affair.

Leave it be - totally self serving. If I was the wife you would be last person I'd want to see.

Sorry why on any thread about the OW - do people have to bring up she did not take the marriage vows not her responsibility. Believe me as the wronged wife - we know that. MY thought for my EX are mine, where I pin the blame is where I want to and that does sit firmly with my EX and the OW is part of that.

The OW is not devoid of blame as so many people seem to think she is, she has her own guilt- in my case family friend - do I want an apology from her now - 10 yrs later - no way, do I want an explanation - no I do not give a damn, do I want her to put the blame all on my EX - no I do not care, do my kids want an apology from her for wat she did to them - not a chance - they would prefer she crawled into the amoral hole she came out of and never ventured out again - absolutely!

This is the piece of crap who phoned during my parents funeral, about 6 months after we split to tell my then still husband that she thought she was miscarrying - she wasnt it was a hoax. The woman is beyond scum and her apology means the sum total of jack shit to me and my children - not surprisingly.

You may consider yourself to be possibly causing harm but you don’t know if you actually are. When the OW took my idiot H off my hands I was delighted, no harm done by her at all and his feelings of guilt made the divorce piss easy. Not every wronged wife is pining and devastated, that’s all I’m saying. Many know exactly what a loser he is and are glad to be shot of him.

OP is you are the OW and thinking of doing it believe me the boat sailed the minute you spread your legs

No. Just leave people alone. I would not want any contact from OW. But I 100% would not stay with my husband or blame the OW entirely. This feels like the OW has gibe yrhoyfh therapy or something and seeks the need to apologise to suit her own self years later!