Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

God no. Fuck off. How dare you imagine you are deserving of even the few seconds it would take me to read your shitty little apology.

Ah it’s a self serving “apology”?

I do not want him back and are so much better off now. However, the devastation you and he wreaked on our children which you were 50% culpable for and your unique little forms of shit you bestowed on them was 100% your responsibility. I hope you feel guilty about what you did to all the children involved you deserve to feel bad about your actions.

Good for you. But “might” cause harm is still enough for me. Plus, most OW only know what they are told and, let’s be honest, most of it is a crock of shite. I wouldn’t believe a word that came out of the mouth of a lying, cheating turd of a man, so I still wouldn’t do it.

He made the commitment. She owes me nothing unless she was a friend.

Leave her alone, do not contact her. Realistically the apologie will be for your benefit not hers, as others have said let sleeping dogs lie.

If she genuinely did not know he was married, if he lied to her as well as you, then yes I'd accept.an apology, in this case an apology would be appropriate
For the OW who actively pursued him having known the family for 20 years - I wouldn't believe she was sorry, and it would be just for her to make her feel better.
Maybe she could make a substantial donation to the women's centre or some such charity to salve her conscience.

Lots of men and women are unfaithful, and it's horribly painful to be on 'the other side'.....I speak from experience, but I wonder why so many women who have been on the receiving end of their partner's deceits, obsess about 'the other woman'? Perhaps I'm wrong, but it appears that the majority of men seem to blame 'the wife' when she's been unfaithful. The 'other woman' label reeks of misogyny, I have never heard people talk about 'the other man'.

I don't want an apology. If she tried it, I would punch her in the face.

Haven’t you? I have, lots of times. I know men who sadly have spent their entires lives obsessing over the OM. My feelings about OW/OM are identical for what it’s worth.

Well if that's the case, they need to either bear the burden of guilt with good grace, or if possible do something to practically make amends/compensate the person they've wronged.
In the case of an AP wife, its hard to think of how the second would be possible, unless you're in a position to benefit her somehow, which is highly unlikely.
You could try making amends by proxy, vowing to yourself that you'll never knowingly harm another woman, and where possible you'll do what you can do help them.
If you do enough of that, in time you might feel the scales shift and the good stuff you've done outweighs the thing you're ashamed of, so you view yourself more positively. People who feel a great deal of guilt over something can find this helpful.

Honestly? I think I’d punch you in the face.

Incredulous for ow to think you’d actually give them the time to offload to feel better!

The OW isn't the one who's married to the wife. Her problem is with her husband. If he wanted to cheat, he'd have cheated - if it wasn't this OW, it would have been a different one. Let's not blame women for crappy male behaviour.

Nope, if ow knows he’s married she’s just as complicit

No, the OW who knowingly gets into a relationship with a taken man is fucking scum.
Stick to single men. It is not hard.

Absolutely leave her alone, you would only be doing it to make yourself feel better.
Bringing it all up years later to open up old wounds is almost as cruel as the cheating.
I have personal experience of this and it unravelled a lot of the healing I had done.

She won't. Leave her alone. Last thing she needs is you dragging up 10 year old pain and disrupting her life to ease your conscience.

Please don't use autism as an excuse for shitty behaviour. You knew he was married. You still slept with him repeatedly.

She doesn’t want to hear from you. The root of this is the OW’s guilt and wanting to ease her conscience. To make herself feel better. To contact the wife would only hurt her more. If you feel you need forgiveness, tell a priest and her get on with her life.

What? No way. It’s not her fault. It’s the husband. In fact I don’t care if the woman did know he was married. It’s the husband who decided to cheat.

Because sometimes people do shitty things and as time passes feel a lot of remorse and regret for what they did.

It wasn’t about you then and it isn’t about you now. ‘Your’ married man just wanted to boost his ego. Sometimes we have to live with the damage we’ve done and not everything can be smoothed over just to make you feel better. Leave her alone.

Some don't feel any guilt whatsoever. My husbands mistress has been happily seeing him for over a year knowing he had a wife and child. And now I know are openly continuing their relationship giving me and my son no time to come to terms even though we still live together.

If she apologised to me given all this I doubt I would believe her for a minute. It would just to make themselves feel better.

Absolutely not - you just want to feel better about yourself.

You knew he was married, you even knew they were still sleeping together. She doesn't need your apology when she's finally got rid of him. It's not even as if you can provide with any information that could have helped her in the divorce settlement. It's so you feel purged.

He sounds like he was a shit to you too - I'm sure the reminders of his child's birthday made you think that if you hadn't lost your baby it would be the same age. He was feeding his ego by keeping in touch with you.

You're well rid, his wife is well rid, you not going to do her any favours by getting in touch to apologise.

No I wouldn’t, but then I remember the Sex and the City episode where Carrie (OW) tries to apologise to Natasha and it’s basically to assuage her guilt.

It all sounds a bit of a mess from all perspectives. The damage has been done but it sounds like life has moved on for everyone. I am sorry about your pregnancy loss. I do hope you felt able to grieve that despite the circumstances. I also think it was a bit cruel that your affair partner continued to keep in contact with you, and I think that would be more hurtful to me as a wife in this situation. He sounds horrible.

The OW should stay quiet and keep far away. Any remorse is for her alone to handle. The wronged wife isn't her therapist.