Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

The problem is, even saying something like "I don't expect you to forgive me" sounds like you think you're being incredibly magnanimous and doing her a favour somehow. I'm sure it's not how it's intended but it's likely to come across that way.

You just never know how people will feel about things like this (although we do seem to have a clear consensus, there are a few outliers). That being the case, the principle of "first, do no harm" seems fitting. Obviously it would have been better to apply it before having an affair but that's done now and can't be undone, so the next best thing is not to do anything that might compound it.

As time passed, my understanding of and horror at what I did, my remorse, my disgust at myself all grew, and my desire to be with him faded. I'm now glad I'm not with him, and I've changed in a lot of ways, if you can believe that. I have good things in my life, which I do not deserve

Your understanding etc grew? You knew it was wrong then but didn’t care as it didn’t affect you and you wanted him.

So you’re in a similar position now as the woman you wronged all those years ago and realise what you’d also have to lose. You deserve to lose it.

What do you mean by leave it up to the wife? Do you mean apologise and see if she responds?

I think it's more likely you're a bit shocked to hear he cheated again and you weren't special, just a convenient warm body. You want his wife to comfort you with her forgiveness. You are the centre of your universe.

No I meant write a letter of apology a seal it in an envelope with a post it on it saying who it’s from. And then the wife can decide if she wants to open it or not. I had a colleague (now a friend) that had this scenario happen to her. She held on to letter for over 3 years unsure if she wanted to open it or not. In the end she decided against it and burned it.

I'd go over to her place and push the burning envelope through the mailbox I think

Arrogant, narcissistic bitch

And that’s fair. I would have benefited from an apology. Everyone is different is my point and if someone that hurt you can help with your healing I would assume they would want to take it. My friend found it really cathartic to burn it and in she felt she regained some control of the situation. So it helped just probably not in the way the OW intended 🙂

Pretty awful that she was put into a situation where she had to spend three years agonising over it.

She didn’t feel like she was agonising over it (from what she told me) it was part of her healing process. When you go through infidelity it’s a long process of recovery for most people I would hazard a guess, it sure was for me and for my friend, regardless of if you stay and try to repair the friendship or not. The silver lining is that I gained an amazing friend even though we grieved in completely different ways. As I said before I personally would have benefited from an apology.

I would do the same.

I once received a letter from a controlling Ex who had scared the life out of me one night. He had seen a news story on BBC about me, celebrating an award I had been given.

I recognised the handwriting all those years later, the cold repulsion that ran through me still lives with me.

I burned it in the garden.

If the OW wrote to me, I’d do the fucking same. It’s self serving, invasive and you do not deserve anyone’s forgiveness.
You had an affair with a married man, he didn’t pick you, he was never going to pick you. You are desperate to be ‘forgiven’. Where was this at the time? A guy was doing something he shouldn’t ever be forgiven for. You enabled it, you continued it, you still had hope and kept in contact. A life time of prayers will never forgive that for you or him.

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD after my DH’s affair it effected me so badly. I’ve had intrusive thoughts, thoughts of self harm, suicide, ended up on anti depressants, lost an enormous amount of weight I looked skeletal and I have dreams about their affair. I’m now in therapy. If it wasn’t for my children I don’t know what I would have done.

I cannot imagine now having to deal with an ‘apology’. Your guilt for your fuck ups is your own fucking problem. It’s only about you. You’re still behaving completely selfishly.

I saw this happen with my mum. She no longer goes to places or parts of the city she lives in case she bangs into the OW. It’s been 20+ years and she still gets upset at the mention of anything.

A text, letter or email would do so much harm 😔

No, she is scum too. She could have walked away but did not. Don't make out the OW fell under some spell and could not say no.
If someone is taken, then tell them no.

Wow some vile comments on here. OP you've said you're not going to send your affair partner's ex an apology which is a good decision. It sounds to me that you're genuinely sorry but it will only bring up painful memories for her if you contact her. Just try to move on now, stop obsessing over him and her, and forgive yourself.

I see the heartbreaking honesty of people who have been left emotionally, physically and (occasionally)financially ruined by people they trusted and their conspirators. No message, sent years after the fact helps that.

You were 'disgusted' when you found out he'd cheated on his wife again? Really? But you didn't mind being the one he was being disgusting with all those years ago?? Your hypocrisy is astounding. And you think that an apology would make his wife feel better....😱

Yes, I've said I'm disgusted with myself as well. I have been for 10 years.

How do you think you’ll feel in 10 years when your OH’s OW contacts you to apologise for shagging him and trying to lure him away from you, but she feels disgusted by herself, hypothetically?

I don't think that will happen, but I'm not sure how I'd feel. That's why I asked on here, to see whether women in that position would want an apology. Some would, most wouldn't - it's been very helpful, I have my answer, and I won't be apologising.

Sounds to me like you're not that dsgusted but more like pissed off at the fact he's seeing someone else while he still gets to have his cake and eat it too. If you're still angry at this man I would send an anonimous email or message to the wife letting her know of his current squeeze and some sort of proof. Probably not going to change anything as she already knows she married a philanderer.

Anonymous messages of this kind are nasty enough at the best of times, but the marriage is over and the wife knows her husband is a serial cheat, so it's worse than pointless. Coming from a former OW that she already knows about, it's tasteless in the extreme.

If you are that disgusted have you blocked him and cut all contact?

I haven't blocked him. I haven't responded to him since I suddenly realised he'd cheated again.

Well... block him. What do you need to be contactable for?

If he wants to contact me, he will find a way of contacting me. In fact, blocking him would most likely prompt him to try to contact me sooner to try to placate my perceived anger. I don't even always understand the need to block, as it often seems tokenistic or symbolic and serves little practical purpose. I do understand blocking if somebody is sending frequent unwanted messages and you are unable to get them to stop. That isn't the case here, though, and I would feel as though I were playing a game if I blocked him - a game that he would want to play too. That, I do not want.