Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

OP no one is owed a redemption arc. Real life isn't a TV show where this sort of thing works out.

If you're asking this because you were an OW and you genuinely feel bad then all there is to do is learn from it and hold your morals to higher standards in the future.

Leave it, OP. If you didn’t realise he was married I would have said maybe but you did and you did it anyway. Leave the woman alone and carry your own guilt.

You would only be doing it to relieve your own guilt. And I would be telling you to fuck the fuck off.

No. What would an apology do? It would only serve to make you feel better, and bring up painful memories for the wife.

You're doing it for your own sake or sorry the "OW" is doing it for her own ( who is totally not you) sake. I know a woman who cheated with her best friends husband a few years back. Both men, her original husband and her best friends one who she subsequently married are dead now and the woman is of the opinion she should be forgive by the friend if she apologises the friend is not entertaining it. You can have the same advice i gave her leave well alone, youve done enough damage and you can not ever make this right.

Sorry for what exactly? OW didnt have responsibility to the jilted partner. Surely it's the wandering partner who should apologise? 🤷‍♀️

This sounds more of a sh-it stirring move rather than a kind one.

I would assume she just wanted to creepily insert herself into his life tbh

I have been in the role of the wronged wife once, a long time ago.

Would I want to hear from the OW? No of course not. She has already shown what sort of person she is. There is nothing else to say.

No, that’s serious main character energy. Leave her alone. If she wanted contact with you then she’d have had it. The only time it would be acceptable is if you didn’t know and the minute you found out you told her what a scumbag her husband was and that he was preying on unsuspecting women and putting her health at risk.

The OW messaged me, I think she thought she was telling me something I didn’t know, and that she was somehow looking to make herself feel better by confessing it.

I told her she wasn’t news to me, she should be more careful about how much information she had available online because I knew where she lived, worked and which school her kids went to and the next persons husband she fucked might take that information into their own hands more than l could be arsed to, since I was already divorcing the twat and she was welcome to him.

And the OW hasn’t caused harm, it’s the H that does that

Yes I would and tbh I think years later is better than too soon.

If anything just to show the ex wife that the OW has basically landed on her face and got her karma that things didn’t work out as planned.

I often see this idea here that apologies are just about making the transgressor feel better about themselves and I don't quite understand it. To me it feels like making a heartfelt apology is acknowledging how much your actions hurt someone so the injured party can feel some relief that you did in fact see them and the effects of your behaviour. One of the things that drove me mad when my husband had an affair with my friend was how much my pain didn't seem to matter, they just kept getting on with what they wanted to do. It didn't work out between them and I never heard from her again. If I got a message years later apologising I feel like I'd appreciate that. It would mean that her effect on me mattered to her, was still bothering her, and she wanted to acknowledge it even after all this time. Maybe I'm missing something though, so would love to understand the self-serving element that keeps coming up.

It’s the husband who should
be apologising

I don’t think I’ve ever met or heard of an ow who was sorry!!! I think often they know and are already at peace with it…

Why would you want to re-open old wounds and hurt her all over again

I'm imagining that my husband cheats on me, and then years later my marriage fails, and then the OW gets in contact to say sorry...

I hold my husband wholly responsible for his fidelity so I don't give a toss about her, he's the one who cheated. And she only decides she wants to say sorry once my marriage is dead? Rightly or wrongly, that says to me, "I am this great influence in your life and everything is about me and I feel responsible for this devastation in your life because I have so much power and now I want engagement and an outcome that favours me."

I think that would fuck me off more than the affair. He's responsible for straying but she's responsible for wading in again years later when he's no longer my partner. Why on earth did she watch and wait for years and only suddenly be overcome with guilt once we're no longer married and none of it matters any more?

No of course not. If the OW was with someone then they owe them an apology and the man owes his partner an apology. But the OW has done nothing to mean an apology to the wife is due. The choice to betray a his partner is the mans and the man alone.

Yeah rake up old coals and upset people to assuage your guilt. That’s reasonable…

Words are cheap. “Sorry” does not reverse the life changing devastation cheating causes.

I’m interested that so few people think she should apologise. If you’re genuinely remorseful about something you have done then I think you should apologise, however painful that may be. But the apology should not try to excuse the wrong done and should not ask for forgiveness. It is entirely up to the wronged party to decide whether to forgive and should definitely not be expected. Perhaps better to write a letter as that gives the wife the option to ignore it if she wishes.

If she didn't know he was married then she has done nothing she needs to apologise for, though could provide an explanation.

If she did know he was married then she needs to deal with her guilt in some other way rather than risk re-hurting this woman.

It’s usually when they get left or cheated on themselves, usually by the same man they cheated with.

It’s often to ease to their own guilt.

If you like.

I had an affair with a married man 10 years ago. I knew he was married. He said that his marriage was bad (though not from her perspective as I found out) and that they rarely had sex, but that he would never leave her. I slept with him anyway, just because I was bored, I think.

I ended up falling for him. She got pregnant. I got pregnant. I lost the baby. He told her the about me and they separated for a while but ultimately they got back together and he ended it with me. The whole thing was probably even more catastrophic for her than you can imagine.

For the first few years all I wanted was to get back with him. He kept in touch with me, I don't know why, just checking in I suppose.

After about 6 years I managed to move on emotionally. I still usually replied when he messaged. Just happy birthdays, merry christmases, my kid is 5 today, etc. I don't know if his wife knew that he spoke to me. I guess not.

Around a year ago they split up for good. He let me know not long ago. Reading between the lines, I think he cheated again. For the avoidance of doubt, there is no question about me getting back with him.

I am perpetually horrified at myself and cannot reconcile in my mind how I could have done what I did and caused so much harm. I would never and have never done anything like it again. Sometimes it feels like I must be dreaming, because how could I have ever done that? It doesn't seem real.

I did look her up online. She seems like she's doing well. I was trying to work out whether or not she might at this point want to have an apology from me - and I am more sorry for what I did to her than anything else in my life. I definitely would not want her forgiveness or even a reply from her. I can see from the poll that I should definitely not contact her at any point. It would benefit me more than her.

I am autistic and very bad at making these kinds of judgements, so thank you for answering my question.