Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

Blocking him feels “tokensitic or symbolic” And yet it didn’t feel like that when you were having your affair with him? In fact this has only come about since you’ve discovered you weren’t the only one he’s had an affair with?
I do not pretend to have a clue about many things op, but I am utterly certain this god awful “man” is no good for you. At all. Steer well clear of both him and his poor wife.

I don't even always understand the need to block, as it often seems tokenistic or symbolic and serves little practical purpose.

Rather like apologising years after the affair and a year after the marriage has ended...

I have sympathy for you OP, but this doesn't ring true with me. You two shouldn't be in contact at all so how would he even know if you blocked him? What game could he possibly play if you refuse to participate? If he's blocked on everything that's a very clear sign that you don't want contact; what's he going to do and why wouldn't he believe that you mean it? If he manages to reach you, you just say you're not angry but you are remorseful and regretful about the past and you don't want to have contact any more. If he's going to do things like throw pebbles at your window and ring you from other numbers after that, you've got a stalker on your hands and if that's the case, the situation is worse than you've let on.

What do either of you need to say to the other? You seriously believe he won't leave you alone even if you block him and tell him you are no longer a part of each other's lives?

I think this is wishful thinking. He’s had an affair with someone else. Not you. He don’t seek you out to resume, he found someone new, most likely younger. Why on earth would he pursue you even when you’ve blocked him when he’s moved on? It sounds like you haven’t.

I don't know. Maybe you're right. I did block him a long time ago, even though it felt weird to block someone, and he found other ways of contacting me. It was like a sign to him that I must still have feelings for him, which I did. Unblocked, everything seems simpler and calmer. It felt good to me that we had achieved this "old friends" kind of level despite everything that had happened, where I no longer felt angry or hurt, where he could check in occasionally, all very pleasant, he'd tell me what he'd planted in his garden or about his brother's wedding, I'd finally moved on, and I thought he'd really done work on himself and had committed to his wife.

Then once he'd told me about the divorce I realised, based on a few things, that he'd actually cheated again. At least, I think so. He didn't say as much. But I'm pretty sure. So he hasn't changed.

So, now is the time to block him? Will that make him understand that I don't want to hear from him? Isn't it dramatic? I don't expect to hear from him now for months anyway. It might be less confrontational to ignore any subsequent messages than go around blocking him everywhere.

Anyway, I do feel that the thread has become a little derailed.

@owch You are the target of many women who have been cheated on on this thread. I think you should step back and forgive yourself. There is no need to go on thinking about past sins- just do better in the future.

You aren't over him if you don't want to block him @owch. Are you hoping he's going to tell you he wants you back? That he regrets staying with his wife and not choosing you?
You only wanted to contact his wife for your own personal gains, if you had cut contact him every time he tried to contact you a different way, he would have known you wanted nothing more from him and you would have shown you were truly sorry for the damage you caused just because you were bored.

I did think at one point we could be friends, or at least friend-LY. I don't want him back, I don't want him to choose me, and I didn't want him to leave his wife. If I'd wanted to contact his wife for my own personal gain, I'd have contacted her. I will not be contacting her.

I haven't really thought about forgiving myself, and I don't think I can. That said, I'm at least not so mired in the past now and do have my own life. The divorce news did bring everything to the front of my mind again. The thread was meant to be about whether or not I should apologise to his ex-wife, though it has been derailed, which is my fault for probably sharing too many details. I knew I'd receive a lot of anger and hate on this thread, which is understandable and deserved, but what surprised me is that some people have felt some sympathy for me. It is very kind, but unnecessary, as I am not a victim and knew what I was doing when I got with him.

As long as he contacts you in any capacity then the affair is still on going. You cannot be friends. He was not committed to his wife if he was still checking in on you. There has to be zero contact. Zero.

That certainly wasn't how I saw it. At first, after we stopped seeing each other, his messages were very much "I'm so sorry, I do love you, but this is how it has to be" etc. which I've since learned is typical. I did not put a stop to those messages then because I loved him. But since then there has not been one hint of romance. I talk to him as I would any friend, except much less frequently. Like an old friend who's moved to Australia and you occasionally catch up and say what you're up to and then that's it. When he contacted me about the divorce it was I think the first time in a year I've heard from him.

I've always been friendly with my exes but now I've realised he cheated again I don't think I can be friends with him. But really that's all by the by, and not the point of the thread.

It kind of is, because I question how remorseful you really are when you've got 5000 reasons why you can't block him, and don't seem to be even slightly concerned about the fact that he'd apparently not take no for an answer and would just relentlessly pursue you more, no matter how much you tell him to fuck off.

But then I guess you've decided not to contact his ex wife (rightly) and the marriage is over now, so while I don't think you're being very honest with yourself, perhaps it no longer matters.

Yes I see what you mean. It does sound very stupid and probably selfish when I write it down, even to me. The act of blocking feels like rocking the boat, upsetting the status quo, sticking a thorn into a calm and stable situation. I felt as though I had finally found a relatively peaceful equilibrium, where I rarely thought about him, he didn't affect my life, he asked nothing of me, he was being a good husband, a good dad, and I didn't want to change anything. We were all just living our lives and everyone was quite content. At least, that's how it felt over the last few uneventful years. Since his new revelation, I admittedly feel shaken. I don't really know what to do about that side of things now, and I don't doubt you're correct, and I am being stupid and I'm not being the person I want to be. It doesn't matter now. I'm glad his ex-wife seems to be doing better without him. I'm glad she's out of it. I fear for any future women he entangles himself with.

Have you or a close friend /relative been cheated on and would you want the AP to have a peaceful future?

He’s a shit husband and a shit dad. Especially if he was still contacting you. If as the wife I found out you were still ‘friends’ and there was still occasional contact I would be devastated. There has to be none.

You deserve to have the same thing happen to you OP. You’re scared bc you know it’s a possibility, so you’re wanting to address the karmic balance by finally taking her feelings into account. You can’t. Because you’re still prioritising your own.

You don’t want to block him bc you want the possibility that he DOES contact you again and doesn’t stop viewing you as a possibility. Perhaps you too view him as one in case your current relationship goes south. You like that he is occasionally thinking about you and you’re dressing it all up as ‘growing’ by saying you’re co earned and guilty over his wife and kids. It’s bollocks.

At least you’ll experience what it was really like for his wife, no matter what you previously imagined or told yourself. He deserves even worse.

I'm not scared of it happening to me, and I do not believe it is likely to happen to me. I am not worried about how I would cope if it did happen to me.

I don't believe in karma.

I do not want him to view me as a possibility, and I am not a possibility.

Then I'd be concerned that you don't think he'll respect it if you tell him to stay out of your life.

Yes and yes. Noone's life gets better by OP feeling shit about something that happened 10 years ago. The one who should be feeling shit is the husband- he was the one who cheated on his wife. OP didn't cheat on anyone.

So you don't want to be a possibility. Why do you need any lines of communication open?

He's not a friend.
He's not someone you like.
He's not someone you want in your life.

Blocking him just means he can't reach out for any reason. You have no reasons for wanting to hear from him.