Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

No. You (the OW) would be inserting yourself into their relationship, again, for reasons that are about how you feel and not about what the wife might want. You’re not giving her a choice about the contact.

Wouldn’t want anything to do with her.
While my ex DH would obviously be more at fault, a woman who does that to a family is an awful human being. I wouldn’t give her the time of day.

Absolutely not . It’s primarily the husbands fault. She has made no vows to you and is under no obligation to apologise.

No. If my partner cheated, the OW would have less importance in my life than yesterday's chips tbh. Her feelings, motives, guilt would be as irrelevant as any other strangers to me. I'd be annoyed with her inserting herself into my life.

Absolutely not, don't use the wife to try to assuage your own guilt. She's been hurt enough and an apology from you would be nothing in the face of that. I suspect it would be more about keeping the drama and your sense of your own importance going rather than being anything helpful for her.

If Natalie apologised now for what she did to me and my marriage it would be totally meaningless. She didn’t care at the time. I don’t believe she cares now. She can take the train to FuckOff Town and take her terrible morals with her.

Do you want to actually explain what happened?
Did you know he was married?
I would leave the poor woman alone.

As the wife of a husband who cheated, a few things that have been said here frustrate me.

However, to answer your question I would not be remotely interested in hearing from the OW. It would actively take me backwards and dredge up old hurts. I have no interest in making her feel better for her role in causing me overwhelming hurt (before anyone makes the comment, I’m well aware my husband bears that burden too).

I would perceive any form of apology as her wanting to make herself feel better, not to aid me. It’s been over 5 years. An apology at this point would mean jackshit and I doubt that would ever change. She has nothing to make up to me, I have no drive to forgive her, only forget the brief point her life affected mine.

My advice would be to leave well alone OP. Feel sorry by all means, but you need to move on from this chapter in your life too. Let her do the same in peace from you.

Is this a pick me dance thread.

There's no apology big enough for knowingly sleeping with someone else's spouse.

Only someone self absorbed enough to cheat with some else's spouse, is stupid enough to think anyone would want, need or respect the apology.

Why would it matter? It's not a good thing to do but he cheated on his wife; OW wasn't married to her. Her apology or not is pretty much irrelevant. Only thing that matters is whether the MM is sorry and willing to try to make it up (assuming his wife wants him to).

If you couldn't stay out of it before, stay out of it now. The wife doesn't owe you absolution and if she's moved on, it could pain her greatly to have someone who belongs in the past popping up like that.

Can’t imagine Trudie Styler bothered to apologise when she cheated with her best friend’s husband, got pregnant and then had him leave his young children behind. Disgusting and awful how smug she is these days. How could you even begin to apologise to Frances for that? And what about Sting? Why shouldn’t the cheating partner also apologise… but what good does it do, really?

Yep ..I vote leave the woman alone..why take her back to that time?

Does the wife know about the affair, or are you looking for an excuse to tell her, because you have been dumped?

If you are truly sorry you would leave her alone.

Years later? Jeez, leave the dead alone. Some things don't do well being resurrected.

Even worse because they are trying to unburden themselves and ease there guilt
not because it’s for the benefit of the wronged wife

An apology even years later is meaningless and just to make you feel better, don't do it, leave them all alone.

tbe OW isn’t the one who cheated on you

Nope. It's for your benefit, to clear your own conscience. I wouldn't want to hear it.

Hell no. Apology is for the OW not the wife. Who cares if OW sorry? Too late for that. Why should the wife be put in position of having to make her feel less bad? +Wife already has had her life ripped apart. Why would she entertain one of the grubby pair causing her pain? Some may, but if anything it should be the wife’s decision to instigate contact or not. Otherwise best let sleeping cheaters lie.

If the woman who pursued DP and future-faked an amazing time ahead, hoping to enrol us in an open relationship so he could be a little bit hers, was to contact me to say that she's had time to reflect on her part in their brief friendship and come to understand how utterly shit it was for me, I would probably feel all sorts of awful things, and one of them would be 'glad', as part of what's kept me awake at night is just not understanding how another woman, very much like me, could instigate something that would obviously cause so much hurt to someone who's never hurt them, whom they've never met. This is completely aside from the crap DP and I have unpacked since -knowing that she hasn't just drifted off into the sunset without looking back at the carnage would be good. I do think she has thought about it, and I do think she knows it was a dick move. Which is a comfort. So yes, an OW could, in some circumstances, apologise. But only if it is totally over, and was perhaps only an emotional affair or a ONS. A more significant affair, perhaps not.

Don't do it, OP. She will absolutely know that you're rubbing her face in your 'victory'.

When in actual fact, you won a turd.

Depends. Were the OW and wife friends before? Will they ever have to see each other again?

Yes I'd be open to one assuming she wasn't aware of me and was actually sorry and not just wanting to soothe herself. No I'd not if she was aware of me.

Christ no. It’s not enough. There is no apology that would ever be enough for entertaining the nonsense of a married man. What would you expect the wife to do with that apology? It’s certainly not going to make her feel any better. It’s self serving for the other woman. ‘I did something really shit but I said sorry so I can’t be an awful person’. She wouldn’t be thinking about the impact on the wife, or what dragging it all up again would do to her.