Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

The OW isn’t always sorry.

Assuming she is, though.

If you didn't realise he was married then a heartfelt apology explaining that might help her to understand your actions. If you were fully aware at the time then it seems a bit pointless. If you're so sorry for what you did, why did you do it?

What about the husband (why not ex?) saying sorry?

Of course not.

'Sorry I shagged your husband' isn't going to make anything better.

The internalised misogyny drips from this post. Jesus. Why would you assume the man will end up with either woman? Stop playing pick me and see the loser for what he is. A cheating scumbag.

Because sometimes people do shitty things and as time passes feel a lot of remorse and regret for what they did.

If she had a conscience big enough to apologise her conscience wouldn't have allowed to become the OW in the first place and hurt another woman.

The only reason to apologise is for the OW own benefit, to clear her conscience and make her feel better.

If the OW apologised to me it wouldn't end well for her

Oh wait - are you the OW? Leave them alone. It’s for the husband (again, why not ex?) to explain whatever happened. He knew he was married.

Ahh yes, that would be completely self-serving.

Assuming the woman isn't a therapist.

I'm not. My post is saying that he doesn't end up with the OW. I imagine an apology from the OW if she's actually with the husband would be unwelcome! Whether the husband stays with the wife or leaves or gets with someone else is not specified or assumed.

It’s the husband who should be apologising.

Part of me says yes, she should, if she is genuinely remorseful. The other part of me wonders what she would actually say? “I am sorry I shagged your husband, knowing it would utterly devastate you and potentially cause you MH issues for years to come”? Can’t imagine that going down too well?
I would never knowingly be the OW but if I was without knowing? I think I would apologise.
And no, for the record, I am not excusing the shit husbands in this scenario. The husband is to blame, but OPs question was about OW.

i think the OW should manage her own remorse.
Quite probably the OW is the last person the wife wants to hear from. Especially if she ended up back with her husband.

I wouldn't want an apology or any contact unless the affair parter was someone I knew personally and had some ongoing relationship with. Otherwise it would be a distraction to me as I'd be very busy and very focused on figuring out what the hell to do about my cheating partner and our relationship.

Apologies only serve to make the person in the wrong feel better. It does NOTHING for the person you’re apologising to.

Girl Code 101 is NEVER touch another woman’s bloke. We live in a very patriarchal and sexist society and women NEED to look after one another.

Other women are our village, not our competition. Don’t shit on your village.

If it's a " your husband told me he was single and convinced me. I am sorry that it happened". maybe
If it's "I tripped and fell onto your husbands Penis and we couldn't help ourselves" best leave it.

I think the OW could only ever truly be remorseful if she didn't know he was married. So an apology would be instant in that regard upon finding out.

I don't think there is true remorse (maybe regret and the need to tell herself she's sorry to make herself feel better) if she knew he was married at the time.

I certainly wouldn't appreciate the OW apologising as time goes on... that is obviously just purely selve serving. Why would anyone want the OW popping back up in their lives after a period of time?

Yes. An apology from a woman who had an affair with a married man to his wife wouldn’t be relevant if I was the wife. It’s the married man who has broken his vows, having made a commitment to his wife. Exception obviously being if the woman was a former friend of the wife, then she would owe her an apology in her own right. If the woman herself was married or in a relationship, her apology would be due to her own partner.

I am not convinced it would help the wife for OW to apologise.

Scenario 1: OW didn’t know the man was married. If that’s the case and she broke things off as soon as she found out, maybe an apology is of some benefit.

Scenario 2: OW blatantly knew the man was married but had no qualms about that in the moment, and is only sorry now the man hasn’t picked her? Yeah, that’s self-serving and OW would deserve a flea in her ear.

In both scenarios, the husband is scum.

And if you are the OW in question and are in scenario 2, as much as you may now feel your behaviour was wrong, the kindest thing you can do if leave the poor wife in peace and not seek absolution from her. It’s your conscience to live with and it’s not fair to put her in a position of having to debate whether to forgive you when at the very least she should be allowed to decide on the timeline of any such forgiveness for herself. What good do you honestly expect to come from such a conversation?

How much time? Years? Then fuck no, the OW can’t apologise and expect the wife to alleviate their rightly felt shame. That is OWs to carry for life, as a result of her own selfish choices.

What if it's years later? And the marriage eventually ended around a year ago?

Absolutely not. Leave her alone.

Please leave this poor woman alone.

Why do you want to be so cruel to another human being? She has feelings, you know.

A) Why are you keeping track of their marriage?

B) Please leave the poor wife alone... she is clearly trying to move on with her life. She doesn't need the OW popping up as a reminder of how shit her ex-husband was