Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Has your husband put them straight? Told them you only ordered because they invited you to do so? I’d want him to do that tbh

Maybe its juat a cultural thing that they offered but didnt expect you to do it?

I don't think they would deny that they encouraged me to. I think they just regretted it in hindsight.

If you can afford the flights, could you not just save a little extra for the expensive treats?

@OriginalSkang I didn't get that impression, but maybe thats the situation. They asked me every day what I wanted and handed me the app and mentioned ' another chocolate bar?'

Also, how long was the stay and how much was the orange juice?

@IPM I just can't justify it, i'm penny pinching enough that I couldn't enjoy it without feeling over spending money I need to be saving. I had to save for these flight and we really want to buy a flat so we can have a child.

You ordered chocolate daily on someone else’s bill that you admittedly don’t buy here because it’s too expensive, but is twice the price there? To be honest that comes off a bit CF OP…. Presumably they felt awkward at the time once they’d realised how much it was, but didn’t want to create an atmosphere while you were there?

Take some (cheaper) chocolate with you and squeeze the oranges!

There are often cultural issues around hosting house guests and being a house guest - every culture (including white English, although there's probably a lot of regional and class differences, which is different to Irish but even from Welsh and Scottish, let alone other European countries) has it's own unconscious expectations around the somewhat silly dance of offering and accepting food/ extras.

Hardly surprising if there's cultural miscommunication with your Asian in-laws - Asian is like saying "European" so nobody reading knows what the cultural expectations in your in-laws country are.

Living between your culture and theirs, your husband needs to be alert and sensitive enough to explain miscommunication to both sides, not tell his wife to behave differently nor tell his parents to, but interpret the cultures and misunderstandings.

@IPM I didn't have the orange juice every day, maybe half the days. Because I was trying not to be greedy. But no more than £5.

I would never had ordered it if they weren't really weatthy and didn't really encourage me over and over again.

How rude of them. I’m not surprised you feel awkward and upset.

Your husband needs to let them know how upsetting their behaviour has been. I hope you’ll get an apology.

In the meantime, can you sign up for this app and use your own funds for your treats? And silently tell your mother in law where to stuff those oranges!

Could "another chocolate bar" have been sarcasm?

Well either way, they think you're a piss taker.

Did your husband put them straight?

If you're saving for for a flat and a child, you should probably stop spending money on flights.

But since you are spending money on flights, you could spend a tiny bit more on your chocolate and drinks.

It'd make zero difference.

they order alot all the time. They bought a £5k guitar because they wanted to learn one song. Have a chauffeur each. Have a private chef 5 nights a week, a housekeeper and cleaner, gardener.

They ordered throughout with the app every day, expensive smoothies. So for a couple that wealthy mine would have probably felt really inexpensive. about £10 a day to keep their DIL happy I assumed they thought that it was very cheap and totally worth it. I obviously got that wrong. They probably spent about the same on themselves a day on it.

Perhaps you should've added shark to the order.

Sometimes people offer but don't actually mean it. I might have ordered it once in two weeks, I wouldn't order everyday expecting them to pay to be honest.

I agree that your DH is somewhat to blame here. If there's a cultural difference, he must be more aware of it than anyone else.

Anyway, put it behind you as a misunderstanding and try not to feel embarrassed OP.

That's really weird and also rude.

I know if I had as much money as them I would love to treat my family and £10 is very little to them, so I didn't question it at the time even thought I did move cautiously. If I were ordering what I really wanted the bill would be a lot higher so I didn't feel like I was taking the piss.

Hmm … I’m guessing it’s a country where imported foodstuffs are way more expensive than the cost of domestic staff …

One for your DH to mediate I think. They are his parents and it’s his culture so presumably he has insights into what happened/went wrong last time!

I suspect MIL likes flaunting their wealth but not sharing it so much. I suspect this is not about the cost but about looking generous for appearances sake.

Just say no to the app- causes too much chaos and friction. I would hope your husband can keep you right here.

Hmm.
We are pretty well off in the UK. DH's sister lives on another continent, is not well off and is English.

Your experience reminds me of her visit years ago:

Would you like a coffee: Yeh
Would you like a glass of wine: Yeh
Would your ds like a drink: yeh, ditto ice-cream, cake, etc
What would you like at dinner: I'll have the rib-eye

Yes, we are much better off but she said yes to everything and never once put her hand in her pocket, not even an ice-cream for the children.

I found it greedy, selfish, entitled, and yes I judged. You don't travel half the world, have free board and lodgings and a mini break and continually take.

Sorry @twentie but I think you need to reflect.

I mean, I don't think you need to take it that badly.

For example, if the app offered a wide variety of products, but you only pick two things, both of which are very easily substitutable - one is almost half the price in your own country! - I could definitely see that that would be easier.

You are feeling shamed for your food choices, but this actually seems like it's potentially a lot more straightforward than that.

You are also clearly misunderstanding how labour costs and import costs and stuff work in many countries.

I would feel the opposite. If someone had spent a fortune on flights to visit me, I wouldn’t let them put their hand in their pockets.