Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

It's awful being a houseguest. I used to hate staying with my in laws. If I had my time again, I would very politely and graciously decline to go, using a white lie as an excuse. Looking back, they wouldn't have minded as they would have had their son to themselves.

I think that your h owes you an explanation here. It could be a cultural thing to offer but expect the other person to decline or whatever and he needs to explain so you don’t make the same mistake. Or it could be that they are tight about paying for someone other than themselves in which case your h should warn you so you don’t expect generosity from them. Your future child could have fallen into the trap too.

I would be embarrassed that I kept ordering without realising that they were thinking something else and it would put me off future trips tbh. Did you h order anything? Has he been told to bring stuff with him?

You can make it up to them by being super lovely on the phone!

You lost me at having a bar of chocolate every day - nobody needs that. Do you have food issues generally (sorry if you mentioned this and I missed it). Perhaps they feel they are being kinder by NOT giving you access to the app?

How often did you use it and how often did DP use it?

I’m not familiar with something like this but I couldn’t imagine using it more than once a week.

I’d buy a couple of chocolate bars once a week and then offer to pay for it.

Did you just stay in the house for the entire trip?
I would have thought doing a shopping trip and getting a few bars of chocolate would have been better than constantly having it delivered.

I don’t really understand where DP is in all of this.
Did he not order it on your behalf and claim it was for himself?

Well I personally would never just help myself to ordering on someone else’s grocery account, especially £6 bars of chocolate. It’s irrelevant how rich they are.

It’s a bit like how when people say “help yourself to anything you like” when they have people over, it’s usually not meant literally and I’d be pissed off to find my guests just helping themselves to a bottle of my expensive champagne for example.

It’s a bit off they kept encouraging you but perhaps they felt embarrassed.

£10 a day to keep their DIL happy
😆 Ask them for cash.

(Are you their daughter in law?)

That's an awful lot of sugar/ fructose if you're having both of them everyday OP.

She's on holiday, a bar of chocolate isn't the end of the world !

I don’t understand why on earth they use this app so much if they have both a private chef and a housekeeper? Personally I certainly wouldn’t feel good about ordering an orange juice on someone else’s tab every day – surely one of their many staff would have prepared some for you?

You can’t justify it, but are happy for them to foot the bill, knowing it’s more expensive over there?! Bloody hell. Even if invited to do so, I would never do that to someone.

OP, on the assumption that you are not from the country they live in, could you say that you would like to explore the food and drink they have locally, rather than imported things?

That way, you could have things already in the house or available cheaply.

Being there is a wonderful opportunity.

I would forget about what happened with the App; don't look at it while you are there.

OP tb really honest there is a bit of a red flag for me in your response to buying the treats yourself- maybe £150 worth- being

” I can’t justify it as we need to save for a flat”

this money will have no real impact on your savings for a flat and you must know that.

I had a friend who actually had a very similar situation with an in laws trip abroad and the sudden need for vital house repairs and more important spends making it unjustified - and the truth was she was just a very tight person and resented even very small spends from her own pocket.

I wonder if you’re really honest with yourself if your own attitude to spending isn’t being highlighted here a bit- maybe your partners parents have noticed it in other ways as well as the OJ & chocolate and have lashed out in a bit of an unsophisticated way?

This made me groan, it’s always written by those with no money and rheir hand out

you are so so focused on how much they have, it’s distasteful, no one should be eyeing up someone else’s money.

they were obviously trying to be good hosts, who orders seven pound daily bars of chocolate, they clearly don’t buy this sort of stuff for themselves, and them having money doesn’t mean you’re entitled.

id maybe have done it once or twice and the rest of the time bought my own or went without.

I feel embarsssed for you. Stop thinking of how much they have, it’s not ok.

Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Why are you not asking your DP?

about £10 a day to keep their DIL happy I assumed they thought that it was very cheap and totally worth it.

This attitude is very telling.

You come across as quite entitled and I’m guessing that it’s your attitude of entitlement that pissed them off, rather than the financial aspect.

You have not said how much your DP ordered.

Why are you going over there at all? It really sounds like you can't afford it. Also you struggle with the food they eat, can you and your husband not go to some local shops and buy you a stash of simple food you could get by on or bring stuff you can eat?

So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

You can though, you just need to pay for it. It sounds like they offered for you to order some treats but you ordered some of the most expensive things on the menu and when they got the bill they were shocked.
If the chocolate bar is £4 here and £7 there imagine the local chocolate would be a fraction of the cost.
It’s a bit like ordering the lobster but only when someone else is paying.

It’s not cultural as a pp said, when you’re in someone’s home and they say help yourself to what you wish, you don’t expect them to crack open the champagne and fill their boots from your food cupboard.

But they offered and they were doing it themselves, so what is she supposed to do just say no and sit there watching them eat their treats while she has nothing.
Also why would you tell guests to help themselves to anything if you didnt want them to. Why cant people just say what they actually mean.

Yes this!

No I think they were trying to be good hosts but hoped you’d have the good manners to stop.

Oh ffs 😂😂

@twentie

OP, when you said in your first post,
"I really struggle with food", what did you mean?

So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day

you mean it perks you up when someone else is paying. Because you could have them, you just don’t wish to pay.