Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

to keep their DIL happy 🙄

Could you not see the cost of the chocolate and juice on the app BEFORE ordering more? CF to order it daily when you find it too expensive to buy yourself.
Any Asian country I've been to, you can get juice and chocolate from every corner shop/Seven11 or on the street for a fraction of having it delivered.
What does your DH say about it all?
Stay elsewhere next visit and use your own money.

They clearly do use the app to order stuff for themselves though, just not the exact same things as the OP wanted.
I think the DP needs to find out what they’re thinking and what’s going on.

I’m sure they provided food, the OP is perfectly capable of saying “please may I have some breakfast/a snack”, it’s not like helping herself to the delivery account was the only option.

I can’t work out of the second part of your post is a joke, it’s not like I’m going to say “please help yourself to tea/coffee/biscuits but don’t touch the steaks in the fridge or the champagne in the cupboard” because everyone I know has manners and doesn’t need to be told. I’d actually be offended if someone told me not to touch their expensive stuff.

There's no need to order chocolate on someone else's money every day. That's a pisstake.

If it's expensive here it's obviously going to cost more there unless it's produced in that country. Didn't you check the price on the app as you ordered? I find this all rather unlikely. Why would they order orange juice if they have staff in the kitchen.

In many countries having staff is reasonably cheap, having a driver, cleaner etc isn't a luxury.

They’ve told him what fhey are thinking, buying daily expensive imported chocolate and freshly squeezed orange juice is not ok.

Yes in places like India it’s very cheap sadly and very common,

Most people don’t have to say “don’t take the piss when it’s on someone else’s dime”. It’s a socially accepted norm, you order what you would like within reason. Does any adult really need to be told this?

I agree with this, every.single.day as well! It seems excessive and cheeky to me when you’re not willing to spend your own money on yourself like that.

Exactly!

@twentie I think you’re worrying too much -
sometimes taking things more at face value helps, they probably just think paying 1/3 more for the chocolate when you can bring it with you doesn’t make financial sense and they’ve been blind to it being insulting.

what does your dh think? If they’ve got form for generosity and luxury and then odd penny pinching manoeuvres then it’s simply how they roll. Say you really appreciated being made welcome last time and laugh about what a rip off the chocolate is for them.

its always best to try and think the best of relatives - you're all stuck with each other so assuming good intentions is absolutely in all of your interests. Your Dp/Dh has to step in when he thinks they’re not acting with good intentions but only if it’s really
important, it’s a long road with in laws.

What chocolate is it? Tony’s?

You could also offer to bring them some chocolate…

In that case op, they come across as rude and penny pinching and intentionally trying to upset you.

What do you mean when you say you struggle with food exactly?

As long as you are telling the truth op, and you didn’t go mad with the app, then what on earth do they have to complain about? Seriously?

I don’t think this is about food somehow op. It may be, but it could be a passive aggressive way of communicating they don’t like you.

Your mil communicated this via your dp so he should be replying saying something like,

“I’m sorry mum, what do you mean by this? It was you who repeatedly invited twentie
to use the food ordering app. If you didn’t want her doing that, then why mention it? It’s really rude to offer hospitality and then withdraw it once it has been accepted. It also makes my partner feel really uncomfortable; like she has broken some unwritten rule of hospitality. Please explain.”

Edited to add: if this was some form of unwritten rule personality test, then your dp should have helped you understand it.

Are you a DIL? You called your partner - DP.

You should feel embarrassed, it’s grabby.
people offer because they feel they have too. It doesn’t matter how much money they have, it not your business. Don’t expect other people to just suck up you buying expensive items everyday at their expense.

You should feel embarrassed wth were you thinking🙄

This, and In many parts of Asia having staff is the norm, it’s not like the uk,

im agog at the ops atttitude, going on about how much money they have, behaving like she’s entitled to it. How she restrained herself in only ordering this, but makes it clear there’s no way she’d ever put her hand in her pocket and pay for it herself, but is pissed they won’t put their hands in their pocket and pays for it.

i mean who orders a 7 pound bar of imported chocolate every day!

If you can't really eat the food is 1 chocolate bar and an OJ a going to stop you being hungry? Or was it multiple orders a day?

Depends on the size surely
i have a 25g bar every day of dark sea salt. Less than 150 cals

It’s obviously a cultural thing. Imports to Asia are phenomenally expensive. £6 doesn’t sound much to us, but it’s more than the average day’s wage in India. Things like Starbucks are seen as a status symbol and only used by westerners and the super-rich because nobody is going to work all day for a single coffee. They probably thought you were taking the piss by ordering extortionate treats when you could have chosen cheaper local versions.

Did DP order from the app as well? If so, how much was he spending?

You say ‘cheer you up’ etc - were you miserable over there? Could the tell that you didn’t like their food? That might have made a difference. If you don’t like it there your dp could go on his own. Also why are you scrimping if his parents are so wealthy? Is he wealthy? Does he share with you. All sounds v odd imo.

I wonder if because they are so rich, the price of this chocolate in the UK seems like a pittance to them, so they are confused as to why someone would come over and pay double for it when they could grab it from the supermarket. (Probably wouldn’t cross their mind you couldn’t afford chocolate from the shop.)

That said, it doesn’t explain the OJ!

I was thinking perhaps the one which was very popular recently, the Dubai chocolate one.