Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Also the equivalent of £7 in many Asian countries would actually be outrageously expensive and probably several times more expensive than comparable local options.

Well you have an in-house expert on the culture and expectations of this country and family - your DH. So why don’t you talk to him about this?

Exactly this, they sound like they are trying to make a point but a very petty one.

My DM is notoriously penny pinching and thinks she has no money. She was also born abroad and misses a few treats from her home country. However I can't think of anything from her home country that you can't get here, though sometimes it's a bit more expensive. If we visit her home country without her she is always on at us to get this that and the other "because you can't get in the UK" but you CAN and it's only a bit more expensive.
We offer to pick it up at Sainsbury's when we are visiting her but "it's not the same" (I suspect it's because then she can't ask other people to pay for it).
Could your in laws be like this - well off but partly because they like to get other people to pay for things?
(And what are people nit picking about DH Vs DP? Honestly the pedantry).

I had to save for these flight and we really want to buy a flat so we can have a child.

They live like this yet wont help their son buy a home so he can start a family???

The strangest pair of crazy rich Asians I've heard of...

To incorrectly quote Raye...
"BABY! where the hell is your husband???"
What's his take on all this?

You won’t buy it at home as it’s too costly yet got it every day on holiday as someone else was paying - and even worse it’s more then costs at home.

Yep cheeky

sure £4 once a week you can afford if it’s that nice

Your husband should challenge this, but then what I find weird is you say you are penny pinching, struggle to save for flights and don’t own a property, and yet these in-laws are wealthy. Are you sure they are wealthy? If they were they would be investing in UK real estate to help you out and pay for your flights!

No actually a 7 pound bar of chocolate there will be like ordering a daily 50 quid bar here, the cost of the local items, the local wages etc will be much lower. And them being wealthy there likely wouldn’t make them wealthy here. You can’t compare it to uk economy

I suspect this is the issue. They have realised you’re a penny pincher and therefore there is no pleasure in being generous to you or treating you.

Ir’s fine to penny punch in private when it only affects you. But to penny pinch in front of others realky puts people off.

You’re saving money on accommodation so you should be able to spend money on treats.

And yes, take chocolate with you, and not just for yourself, for the in laws too.

The disparity in wealth does seem exreme and I can see why you might have thought they meant treat yourself, but tbh I'd be put out if I know you were ordering expensive things you wouldn't buy yourself. It's not the money it's the attitude.

For example, when DS and his GF visit I like to take them out to dinner and treat them, but I do raise an eyebrow when she orders the most expensive steak and £7 mocktails, when I know she'd have water if she was paying. As a one off, I'm still happier to treat them than I am bothered about her being cheeky, and if she sees going out with me as a treat, that's a good thing, but everyday for a whole trip I might think it was a bit much.

This is what makes me think they aren’t actually wealthy!

Wealthy in that part of the world does not mean wealthy in other parts ie the uk.

If they were they would be investing in UK real estate to help you out and pay for your flights!

Why?

The other thing of course is that depending on where they live, a £7 bar of chocolate every day, could be more expensive than the chauffeur!

Op said they bought a 5k guitar for 1song. They don’t sound hard up.

Wealthy people are often the tightest! They encouraged you to order then moaned about it afterwards. I don’t think I’d stay with them again. I’d rather pay myself to stay in a hotel.

First of all I get it

Your ordering an expensive item every day ... Who needs that much chocolate REALLY?? And if you are refusing their food
.. food from their culture or area they live as you are a boring palet but suplimentint it with expensive drinks and sweets, if be pissed with you too

There's nothing more exhausting than a picky pedantic house guest

OP - it’s ok to be embarrassed, happens to
everyone. If I were you, I wouldn’t talk about it any further as It’s been dealt with (your MIL buying in oranges and asking you to bring your own chocolate). Just avoid the next time they are pressuring you to order something.

Maybe take them a little gift as a token of appreciation for the generosity last time?

A seven pound bar of chocolate will likely be more expensive than all the staff together,

as said someone who is wealthy with staff in parts of Asia would be very poor here.

You're having a holiday and visiting family and the thing you're looking forward to is orange juice and chocolate!

If the chocolate costs £4 in the UK what size is it? Fairly substantial I should imagine. Or imported. That's a lot of sugar everyday. You want to eat this everyday.

Exactly, somewhere where the col is so low that staff is the normal only means £7 for a chocolate bar is even more insanely expensive than seems.

It's different perhaps if they try.

FFS, she said she was repeatedly urged to use it. No need for the tired entitlement chestnut.

You say:
Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

I'm sorry, but this makes you come across as rather picky. I'm assuming the local food is Asian curry or something? If they have staff cooking for them can't you ask for just plain chicken and rice or something?

Perhaps they are concerned that your food consumption has been mostly this junk food chocolate/ orange juice combo (dentists strongly recommend against OJ these days...) and they are trying to make it a less easy fallback option for your?

It's worth checking with your DH in case theres some cultural nuance you've missed. Maybe where they are it's expected that hosts continue to show generosity and push favours on guests but that guests should always refuse gifts or something.

Although, extremely wealthy people are often some of the stingiest people on the planet, way more so than those who are less wealthy. So it may not be a cultural thing and just that your in-laws are typical wealthy people who begrudge a year form of generosity.

But yeah, check with your DH.

Yes for example tne average net wage in Delhi is about 300 pounds a month earn 3 times that you can have staff and be wealthy. In the uk you’d be in poverty. And it doesn’t mean you can afford 7 pound bars of chocolate.