Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Oh love, I do think you maybe over ordered before, but I can also completely see why you felt justified. I can also absolutely see why you feel weird about it now; I'm still a bit odd with food after past issues and this would honestly see me not eating for the time there and then not going back to avoid that happening again and because I now looked mental... So, don't do that! I think just go, enjoy yourself there as much as you can and accept nothing beyond a basic 3 meals a day. Sometimes rich people are ridiculously tight fisted (and that's part of the reason they're rich), so maybe spending on others is too much for them - appearance of generosity but not the actuality.

Maybe don't prioritise going too often though. I'd not want to save up to go somewhere I felt uncomfortable.

Personally I do not blame them. You racked up significant costs and they were right and proper to have a word in advance of your next visit. Most people might have ordered a juice once or twice, not every day.

Rich people can be some of the tightest. I don't think you did anything wrong and while I can see why you're embarrassed, it's only really a damning statement on their character, not yours.

Exactly this! You don’t go and visit someone and never put your hand in your pocket or lift a finger in their home.

I remember going to visit family in Australia and my mum and uncle seeing who could pay the bill first without the other one noticing 😂

It sounds like a communication issue. They may have felt obliged to offer, and might have expected you to say no. It does sound like quite an expense, and in not sure it matters if they spend the same on themselves, it's their money! If you wouldn't spend your own money on it, I'm not sure it's fair to spent theirs.

It's embarrassing, but it will be forgotten about in time. They are equally responsible for not having been clearer in their communication.

And you didn't take the hint? 😆

If they couldn't afford for OP to use their app, they shouldn't have kept bringing it up to her everyday.

But it’s polite to offer your guests whatever they want - however that doesn’t mean it’s okay for the guest to just take, take, take.

The polite thing to do is say “don’t be daft Doris, you’ve done enough” and offer to buy them something as a thank you for having you.

Is it more that they wanted to look generous. But in reality you as a daughter in law are not given equal rights to their money as their blood family are? Was it one of those unwritten rules that you aren't supposed to take them up on what is offered. And theyve made it seem like youre greedy?
Guarantee that when you do bring your own snacks, they'll say 'oh you dont like our food' ?

I don’t actually think it’s a case of not being able to afford it, they just feel OP was taking the piss a bit.

Why is the in house chef not seeing to the household's need for juice when they have guests staying?

Do you like them, and do you think they like you?

Just because they bought something expensive (guitar) might not mean they are loaded - they could have sold it on again the next week.

Did DH make good use of the App? If not why not? Did he know how much you were spending? I.e. did he know they'd think it unreasonable and should have put you straight?

They didn’t tell her to! At no stage did they say get on that app and order really expensive chocolate. They asked her whay she wanted and said another chocolate bar, common decency says you say no thanks. Not god yeah kerching,

some of these posts make me really wonder about people. If you stay at a mates house and they say if you’re up first help yourself, what do you do, empty their freezer into your suitcase, fry up the steaks you see in the fridge, crack open the bottle of champagne sitting there. No no you don’t.how do people not know this shit.

Why is the in house chef not seeing to the household's need for juice when they have guests staying?

That's a fair question since they appear to have more staff than Kensington Palace.

At the very least the housekeeper should've pulled their finger out lol.

The person I was replying to was claiming that wealth may work differently over there and they might not easily be able to spend £7 a day on OP.

Though I've just remembered OP said they spent £5K on a guitar 😄

I guess it could be a culture where guests (or perhaps just daughters-in-law) shouldn't put their hosts out at all, even when offered favours and gifts. That might make more sense. Either way, as I said, OP needs to learn what the cultural nuances are over there, by asking her DH. It's mildly his fault for not forewarning her that she should say no to anything offered by his parents.

I'm wondering whether OP was actually eating barely anything while there and that the family felt that offering the use of the App meant that she could order something of her own choice to eat.

It must have been quite difficult for them if she made it clear how much she disliked the local food.

Hm I think it's on your DH to explain where they might be coming from.

When someone is a guest in my home I will do my utmost to make sure they feel welcome and comfortable, but of course I will note if they take the piss or are ungracious about it in any way. That tends to make me a bit less generous going forward.

Did you bring them gifts? Or buy them a thank you gift at the end of the stay? There is usually some give and take required to make a good impression. Doesn't matter how wealthy people are.

But rather than speculate based on all our own cultural norms and experiences, best for DH to elaborate.

And we've probably all got it a bit wrong hosting or being a guest at some point, so try not to beat yourself up too much.

Oh well, there’s nothing that can be done about it now. What does your DH say about it?

Yes I think she’s misunderstood wealth there, she’s thought wealthy there is like being wealthy here, which is clearly what many posters also think. It’s not.

for example in India, someone earning 2k a month would be seen as elite and incredibly wealthy, you’d have round the clock domestic staff, not just what these people have. So say even they were considered the elite there they’d still only have 60 odd quid a day to spend. And that would need to cover all their bills and the staff, as such 7 pounds on just chocolate would be huge. And something they’d offer but daily, of course they have to stop it happening again.

i think she’s not taken the time to understand she’s just seen the lifestyle, and not understood what the difference is in actual terms between affluence there and affluence here. Her and her partner likely earn significantly more than his parents do. Like multiples of it.

With all due respect if you can't afford to take a £4 chocolate bar away with you, how do you expect to afford a child? Either don't eat the chocolate bar or take your own. Buying it at their expense every day at £7 a go is CF behaviour if you admittedly wouldn't pay £4 for it at home.

Agreed. My dad is like this. Likes an audience to his apparent generosity, but moans like fuck when people take him up on it.

You were ordering snacks that were as expensive as the ingredients to provide a main meal for 4 people. Definitely taking the mickey.

I would turn the table and offer them money for the orange juice and treats. Don't take no for an answer. I think it was incredibly rude to offer then make that snide remark. I wouldn't accept a single thing from again (but I am very stubborn) .

Goodness, I’m not well off but I would totally be offering my family guests a coffee, a glass of wine, a drink or ice cream for the kids etc without expecting anything in return - how odd! The ribeye sounds like you were at a restaurant so maybe you should have suggested splitting the bill beforehand rather than offering to pay and resenting the order!

First of all, calm down. I am certain they don’t mean offence, however it is very clear that you just don’t feel at ease at the in-laws so seek help from dp in navigating that.

this might mean bringing stuff with you for yourself, plus treats for the host, and having a list of foods / restaurants you like when there.
BTW I’d find it infuriating to be buying singular chocolate bars at twice the price of UK when they could easily be popped in a suitcase.

Also - you can’t conflate wanting to save for a flat/child and the need to visit DH’s family and buy some snacks when you’re there - it sounds ridiculous.