Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Because it’s a good investment and gives their son security. Even middle parents give their children deposits for homes. I’m already saving for my kids. It’s the only way most people are getting on the housing ladder.

What a petty reply

Again, wealthy there is not the same as wealthy here, you’d be considered extremely wealthy there earning 900 a month for example. And could afford staff.

youd still not want to spend 7 quid a day on chocolate though.

Having staff in Asia can be really cheap, your chocolate bar may well be more than their daily rate. Offering is definitely part of the culture, not taking too much is also part of the culture. Why not squeeze your own juice (or get the staff to do it) and take some chocolate bars if you want them and other things now you know you really don't like the food. You are saving a lot of food shopping so spend some of it to take with you, but make sure it's allowed and take a gift.

Err, in the nicest way OP, you have made a faux-pas. There are lots of things I could afford, but don't buy as they feel a rip-off. I would want to be a good host, but as others said, what you're ordering feels really expensive to you and is probably the local equivalent of a day's average wage - so feels like caviar to them.

It is like going to a restaurant when someone else is paying and ordering champagne and lobster. They may have enough money in the bank to pay for it, but would raise an eyebrow. I have taught my kids that when someone else is paying, you don't order the most expensive item on the menu/cocktails etc.

https://kingsfinefood.co.uk/product/amedei-acero-95-50g/

You can spend £10 on a 50g bar if you want. There are even more expensive brands. Expensive doesn't mean big automatically. As with everything (you can spend £50 on a small bottle of lotion, you can spend hundreds of £ or thousands on a standard size bottle of wine etc. etc.)

I understand cost of living indices. I mean the price of this specific chocolate seems cheaper to them as OP has said it is half the cost in the UK. And as a family who orders smoothies off their version of Deliveroo, they might be confused as to why OP could not afford to just grab some chocolate from a UK supermarket.

lol. You ordered chocolate that cost them £67 equivalent that you, by your own admission, wouldn’t buy here for £4 ‘cos it’s too expensive.

I don’t believe you.

But it’s still polite to offer. Even if you’ve paid for travel, you don’t just constantly take from your hosts without at least offering some kind of payment.

I suspect the op has failed to understand the local economy. And the difference in wealthy there to wealthy here, she’s seen they way the live and made an erroneous assumption in reality they likely earn a lot less in British pounds than her and her partner do. A lot a lot less.

her spending like this would have been financially very difficult for them, what I don’t understand is why her partner didn’t tell her to stop it. Does he wish her to think his parents are really wealthy in Uk terms?

Yes because they’re not rude people but surely you only use it sometimes and then the other times you politely decline or offer to pay for yourself.

Surely if you were invited to go out to a bar with your PIL and they kept offering to pay for drinks, you may accept some of them but the others you would offer to buy them one instead of politely decline.

It's not ideal but likely just to know now to not say yes to everything offered. Don't worry about it it will soon be forgotten by them!

@twentie why are you not coming back to respond to everyone who’s asking where your husband is in all this?!

Exactly, there is not letting someone put their hand in their pockets and standing buy when they order what will be the equivalent of 50 quid bars of chocolate on your card every single day,

If they have a private cook, sure they can do.something more plain for you

If you wouldn’t order it and pay for it yourself in the UK then you don’t order it on someone else’s bill wherever they are. It’s basic good manners.

Except when they tell you to!

Once per trip fine but not every day!

Urgh I really hate people like this.

its shitty to make a big show of offering you something and assuring you they want to treat you but you are supposed to be a mind reader and know that they want you to say no so they get to play at being the generous host.

I mean, what the everloving fuck is that all about?

If you dont want to give something to someone, stop bloody offering it to them!

What's also concerning is a bar of chocolate & some fresh orange juice is seemingly the thing that gets you through the day there.

Could your husband get the app whilst you’re there and you and he can order what you like - ok you’ll need to pay for it but I can’t quite work out what they’re trying to say here. I don’t think I’d have bothered to go at all - can’t he visit his parents on his own ? Save your flight money towards a flat - you have the perfect excuse not to go really.

No, even if they tell you to! It’s rude.

Couldn’t agree more! And imo the ILs behaved unfairly pressing OP to keep ordering if they didn’t mean it - if they weren’t happy they should have stopped encouraging her to order. I can’t abide people saying one thing and meaning another where hospitality is concerned, it usually ends in situations that are so often not ‘polite’, as is the case here.

It sounds from your description that they were really leaning on you to order something/order more and implying that price wasn't an issue. I would definitely have been leaning on my husband for guidance in this situation especially if it's a foreign culture to you as well as a family with different customs from your own.

They are correct that the bars are significantly cheaper if you buy them at home and bring them and that oranges are cheaper than juice - that's true no matter how rich they are and while they spend freely they may still not want to pay more than they have to for what they get. Also, is it possible that their finances have changed and/or that they are budgeting more carefully than in the past? Sharply rising prices are everywhere and even rich people don't have infinite funds or perfect financial security.

I probably wouldn't order from the app again, though and if pushed I would tell them I don't want to burden them like I did last time.

Ah, yes but it's polite to offer isn't it? Even small things such as buying everyone an ice cream or a drink while out and about is good manners. It's give and take.