Worried about managing six weeks with two young children alone

[Warmthofthesun]

I know it’s a few weeks away still but I am approaching this summer with a sense of real trepidation. I have a five year old and a just turned three yesterday old and while they are generally pleasant enough and easy enough individually, together they do seem to set one another off and become hyped up and silly.

Sleep has been a big issue of late too with the younger one waking any time from 430 onwards. I can sometimes persuade her to go back to bed for a while but she doesn’t sleep, so while she hasn’t napped in the day for a few months she often needs a power nap now. Then depending on when this is late bedtimes. So the days already feel absolutely endless!

DH is very unwell so it’s all on me and I’m really anxious about it if I’m honest. I’m already dreading weekends but can get through as it’s two days, but six weeks may see me sectioned!

Hi OP you sound really nice and sensible and I’m so sorry your husband is ill, that must be really hard for you all and a dreadful worry. I have debated about posting this as I am worried about coming across as smug and/or unsympathetic but I thought it might help and feel free to ignore me if not!

When I read posts like the OP dreading holidays with young children and feeling lonely, I always think they are approaching it from the wrong angle as in they are thinking about looking after their own children as ‘work’ that they have to do in between having their own life/‘me time’/adult company. I don’t think this is helpful at all and causes stress and resentment.

I think a much better way to be (and what I’ve always done and enjoyed every day) is to not make this separation. To instead think of your children as your company and you are a little gang together led by you and you decide what you want to do together at any given time and they come along with you while you all chat together and enjoy whatever is going on. This obviously means you have to be very present with them and not rushing to do things in a time-efficient way or trying to escape to get chores done efficiently/alone or have alone time. So whatever humdrum ordinary things including chores you need to be doing they are just with you, children like to be with their mums and enjoy simple things and talking about/narrating what you/they are doing. So things which wouldn’t take long if you just had spare time to do them by yourself end up taking ages because you are doing them together but that is nice and means that you always feel at ease together (and fills up the time until bedtime!)

My children are all grown up now and still all enjoy spending time with me just ‘being’ and not doing anything special or which costs money. This is also the relationship I had with my grandparents, whom I adored.

In short OP I think you need to feel confident in yourself that you are the most important person to your own kids and they are happy to be with you whatever it is you are doing. Yes there will be squabbles and tantrums as these are normal developmental stages but you are in charge and these will soon blow over and you will get back to enjoying things and having fun.

Good luck and I hope for better health for your husband x

@seriousandloyal i do kind of agree. But it’s the two of them which really is work! I actually had a day with ds on Friday. I normally work Fridays but he had an INSET; DH isn’t in a position to care for him, so I had him. And it was lovely. It didn’t feel like work at all. DD is slightly trickier; she’s not as independent as ds partly because she’s younger but also she’s a more cautious character generally (won’t go in soft play alone for example.)

I am going to enquire at nursery to see if her two days can continue until end of August rather than end of July. Cost is a factor so I’ll need to talk to DH but I do think it will help knowing I’m just getting a bit of relief every week!

If you really can't break the nap/early morning cycle, maybe just nap yourself when the little one does? Give the other one a screen if they aren't sleeping. I think everything is easier if you don't feel zombie tired so the time

It does doesn’t it?! I try really hard to keep her from napping but sometimes it isn’t possible especially in the car!

@seriousandloyal just to add that was a lovely message and thank you. Since this is 30 days only I may have to save somewhere!

@Warmthofthesunwhatever routines you think will help like the nursery get them sorted in advance as that will help you to feel confident too, you have got this!
Kids are harder work initially when there’s more than one as everything is a battle for your attention (even if they don’t rationalise it as such) but with consistent time and attention you can make that part of the time too as in we are doing this this morning/playing this game now because it is x’s favourite and then doing that because x has picked that. Good for them to learn to take turns.
One day at a time OP, you can do this.

I think that sounds really sensible @Warmthofthesun 😊 I've been following the thread, though I've only posted once, and I can really feel your frustration.

I just wanted to add about sleep, as the early mornings come across as a real source of stress - understandably! My DS has always been an early riser, since birth we're talking, and I spent up until about age 4 waiting for it to pass. It never did! Yours might well be a stage but I can completely sympathise with the Groclock rubbish etc. Once he's awake, he's awake and my husband is the same.

So - this might not work for you yet, as your DD is still young and it might be too much responsibility for your DS, but at least it might give you hope for the near-ish future: an absolute game-changer for us has been just letting DS go downstairs on his own. 😅 As long as it is around 5:30 (which can be good for summer) he can go and chill downstairs, get a bit of fruit - sometimes he has a little cereal - play with his toys and watch i-player. That extra hour for us has made way more difference mentally than it should!! Including on an evening, not feeling so rushed to get a really early night yourself - though sometimes I choose to.

Just an idea, or a little hope. My friend who is a single mum also does IPad time in her bed for her DD at weekends so she can at least doze til about 7, and has been doing this since DD was about 3. I do think early mornings are survival territory.

Best of luck. I really feel for you.

For your own sanity, you need to send him. Don’t feel mean. Just send him. Of course he’s going to tell you that he hated it. Most kids would tell you they’d rather be at home than at a club. But you’re in charge. Put him in a club. Put both of them in if you can! You need to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. It sounds relentless and lonely and very frightening. I would imagine you're the only one in your DC's friend group or your social circle dealing with this, which must be very isolating in and of itself. I suspect that's actually the hardest bit? Long days with kids are long days with kids, but that passes, so you can get through. This sounds like a much bigger more frightening picture.

I honestly think you need to strategise whatever makes your life easier for the next six weeks. If that's more screen time than usual, don't beat yourself up. If that's trying to get your DD back into nursery for a few days, don't beat yourself up. I think trying to schedule in one activity a day, so you have something planned is probably a good idea. I also thought the suggestion about intensive swimming lessons if available was great - that always tired mine out - and it's a learning a skill, so money well spent.

I do think you might benefit from reaching out to a charity like Macmillan if you haven't already? Having someone to talk to might be the most helpful thing. Are you able to spend any time with your DH in the evenings? Are you able to all have dinner together? Can he read to them or watch films with them?

I always get a calendar out and try to map out the summer a bit. We do a combination of our days off, some annual leave, childminders and sometimes a holiday club.

I find the key is keeping them occupied and if they have something to keep them entertained, they are less likely to misbehave or get annoyed with each other.

There are usually lots of free things to do aswell at local parks and museums etc.. meeting up with friends is good too

Can you join a gym with a creche? You don't have to use the gym, you can sit in the cafe with a book for an hour. Or do both. The kids will have each other then but it's only an hour or two at a time so not like a holiday club.

Are there any nice farm parks with something like soft play/paddling pool near you? When mine were this age it felt like we spent half the week in places like that. I'd post on FB the night before to ask if anyone wanted to join us.

I agree that things like 'tea party' don't really eat into the day, but trips do. Slow the pace a bit, have days where you go to the supermarket first thing, then home for play, lunch, tv, then to the park before dinner... etc. Time soon trickles away.

I know full well I am looking back with rose-tinted glasses. I have teenagers now, and this is hard. Little kids were hard too but I do miss those slow and quiet days, finding grasshoppers, making patterns in the clouds, painting the patio with a brush and water.

I think you have to find a way to have time for yourself, whatever that takes. Without it everything is just relentless, I remember that too as well as the lovely parts.

@ProfessorInkling - done ✔️

excellent idea!

Really? None of you fellow “mum friends” ever seem to want to do anything with you? Do you suggest things and they decline?

my “mum friends” when mine were this age were my lifeline… long days at the beach with them and our kids, national parks, picnics, farms etc.

@Pposies assuming you are posting in good faith as it’s an odd thread to suddenly crash in on - but assuming you are, I haven’t said ‘none of my mum friends ever want to do anything with me.’ What I do find is that coordinating days that work, where people aren’t on holiday, want to do something, is increasingly tricky and just lately has felt a bit like knitting with spaghetti, where as soon as you’ve secured one bit the other falls out.

I did the NCT course with ds, and am still friends with and see the others regularly but we are widespread and without going into detailed biographies of everybody, things have moved on and changed for everybody since we had our babies (who are very much not babies now!) I do still see them but it’s very difficult organising anything and in all honesty i increasingly don’t like asking.

I do have friends from work with similar aged children but one doesn’t drive which complicated matters. The other does but we both have two year olds (albeit mine is on the cusp of turning three) and coordinating things like naps and routines can be hard. I’m saying hard there not insurmountable. I will see her but it won’t be daily or perhaps even weekly.

Which leaves school mums. Who again I will see but I just don’t know them well enough to constantly be asking and it’s summer, people are on holiday, some people have to work, we are rural so people are spread out a fair bit, some are from farming families so a lot of work.

I am not saying ‘I will see no one for six solid weeks.’ I am saying ‘it is unlikely every day (or even most days a week) I will have company.’ Why this point is proving so contentious on this thread I’ve no idea

But you didn’t saying very unlikely that you’d be able to see them every day

you said they “no one ever” seems to be up for doing anything with you

hence it attracting comments

The summer holidays are loooong if you're doing it mostly by yourself and your kids are young. I hear you.

I'd be focussing on how I can carve out odd hours for myself and my sanity.

Gym with a creche is a good idea. Do you have Ikea near you? Ours has a creche. Just an hour at a time but an hour is better than nothing.

Any local teenagers who would take them out to the park for an hour? My friend's 18yr old dd is doing this over the summer for a few families. But I guess that's not easy if you don't know anyone.

It will be the odd, isolated event which for them will not be too bad as they’ll have weekends with partners and possibly at least two weeks as well. For me, it will. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement at this difficult time.

Thanks @Randomchat . Where we are even going to the park requires a drive, and so I don’t think anyone would be up for that. But the crèche in the gym may save my life!

Fields 😂

PM me OP

You sound very and understandably ground down

there are a lot of great suggestions and some less so on this thread.

i do sort of understand but it was my dad not dh but the same ages and a horribly hard summer

my suggestions - be honest, let people know what you need and slowly build your community- it's doable but won't solve everything over the summer but by Christmas will feel very different

break each day into 5 - breakfast then a morning activity lunch afternoon dinner and then bedtime fun - mix it up, park in the evening, morning breakfast picnic etc but most of all be kind to you as what you're going through is horrendous

go on a park walk, with snacks a chip shop walk etc take everything. Very slowly and chat to people you meet

if you can access church summer groups - they have a brilliant network of volunteers who get life and how tough it can be - they were so supportive for me when I needed it

post in local groups and find a babysitter or two - lots of young people are looking for work this summer to buy you some respite

but most of all - you're allowed to feel angry , tired , pissed off - just do an hour and then see how you feel -