Worried about managing six weeks with two young children alone

[Warmthofthesun]

I know it’s a few weeks away still but I am approaching this summer with a sense of real trepidation. I have a five year old and a just turned three yesterday old and while they are generally pleasant enough and easy enough individually, together they do seem to set one another off and become hyped up and silly.

Sleep has been a big issue of late too with the younger one waking any time from 430 onwards. I can sometimes persuade her to go back to bed for a while but she doesn’t sleep, so while she hasn’t napped in the day for a few months she often needs a power nap now. Then depending on when this is late bedtimes. So the days already feel absolutely endless!

DH is very unwell so it’s all on me and I’m really anxious about it if I’m honest. I’m already dreading weekends but can get through as it’s two days, but six weeks may see me sectioned!

I was actually going to suggest going away - i know it will probably be harder in many ways but psychologically i think it will be beneficial. Feels like less of a grind and I am sure the kids will like it. Do you have any family who can come with you? Or friends with kids?

For the 5yo - are any of his school friends doing holiday clubs? Would thatbe more appealing for him?

Hello lovely. It sounds like a really tough situation and I hope your husband gets better soon.
I think alot of the suggestions are all practical and lovely, but I wonder if really your struggling with the loneliness of your situation. I was a single mum for my DD many moons ago and actually it's ouch to carry the weight of all of the house and the kids. My only suggestion is try to limit wining and demands your not a continual snack, drinks vendor. When my DD was little I was literally like here's your bottle of water/ squash on the coffee table. Breakfast is x.mummy needs to do x job. Here's a timer go do xy. Then we'd have a lovely hour or so after lunch. Then an outing yo the beach as it was in my doorstep then movie chill bath bed and cuddles.
It's all really easy saud and done though when it's hindsight and not on the moment . I imagine it all feels heavy
Where's family and friends?

Do you have any close family, @Warmthofthesun? I have a 5yo and a 2yo and have lots of the same worries! My DM and DF are 300miles away but have gladly said we can go and stay for a couple of weeks, so at least it is an extra pair of hands to help with the refereeing. We are going to spread the weeks out over the summer so we all get a breather.

Thank you. I don’t unfortunately. I probably will try to take them away for a week. Hopefully the other weeks will go reasonably quickly.

@Chillyegg is right that while suggestions of things to do are nice it’s more the loneliness and feeling of isolation I’m dreading.

Are you able to arrange any childcare, I’m
making sure I have a couple of mornings a week at least just to catch up on housework and get a mental break. P.s. my DH works away for several weeks at a time

Well, there’s a possibility of a childminder for the little one but I do feel a bit worried about it. She’s quite shy and timid and I worry about taking her out of one setting (nursery) and into another!

Hi. Im a childminder and while all the advice about routines and nice activities are fine, nothing beats adult company and support. Do you have friends you can meet with regularly? I wish when mine were younger that I had just reached out more honestly with people and said "I'm alone with them from dawn til dusk, want to come over and keep each other sane?" Now I do exactly that, make friends with other minders and just send the message.

When friends aren't available, places with community and support are a life saver; library events, church groups, play groups. Whatever you can find.

Make a calendar and put in all the things already planned (I know it might not be much), then add weekly things (library on Saturday afternoons for example... Even when you do your food shopping, swimming once a week). That can make the weeks look less empty.

Mine are older now but when they were that age I used to tackle the early mornings by setting their bedroom up as a 'play centre' when they were asleep. I would creep in and create little areas in their room, arranging their toys like they were just ready to be played with, a bit like their nursery room was set up when they arrived in the morning. It was a bit of effort but it paid off! They loved it and would happily play together for at least an hour in the morning before I knew anything about it!

Could they not go together? Yes is difficult if not a familiar setting and their very young/shy and by the time she may have settled in the holidays would be over

So sorry about your husband.

Can you spare some money? Most FE colleges have students on childcare courses who might want some babysitting money.

I don't mean handing them over but just another pair of hands for a couple of days, hopefully with some ideas about activities.

This sounds like a lot especially with your husbands illness. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. Ive got completely burnt out a couple of summers so I can see where you are coming from. Here is my survival advice. Please also know that you are worth looking after too, infact its essential that you spend a bit of time on you. So however that can take shape, it needs to happen.

1)Paper plates. By a big pack.

2. I find a big wall chart helpful. My children otherwise ask constantly what we are doing and I rhink argh I dont know!!. Usually im saying Im at work and your here /there but it helps them to see the nice thjngs coming up and means I feel more settled that we have a plan. It feels like it lightens the mental load a bit for me doing it in advance.

-1 lots of children will be using nursery less over summer is there definitely no way the nursery can have your dd back even for a few days over the summer? If you explain situation with DH I would imagine they would be understanding.

-2 who are your DSs friends? Firstly is anyone he really loves going to a holiday club? If he goes with a best friend he might not hate it so much. Secondly plan in some play dates.

-3 Who are your friends? Who can help out/be company? Even the shit overwhelming days are lighter with another person to eyeroll with. Do you have anyone near by?

-4 I used to hate this when people said it to me but it is true you can adjust the kids expectations of you. Morning I havent cracked but when I became a single mum my kids learnt not to be so demanding because I physically couldn't jump up and down 1000 times a day anymore with no back up/help. Im able to take some quiet time now to read, yes it means im slower on a chore or two and yes sometimes they are sat with the TV for that time (although often they will make their own entertainment which again is a new skill because ive steeped back a little). I a thousand times more chilled, happier, mum because I make a little space for me. I spent years feeling too guilty to.

5- Routine. Kids love it and its reassuring to us too. Even just every Thursday we go to a park..little buts of pattern give shape to the week.

6- If they are crabby add water.

7- is there options for your husband when you need to spend time at home? Noise cancelling headphones or is there family near by that he could have a restful day at occasionally?

8- What activities with the kids do you like best/ what places make you happiest? Go to them.

This is a really tough situation to be in. But I think you can still build a holiday you'll mostly love. Try to let go of the childcare guilt. I think a day a week/ fortnight to yourself would do you the absolute world of good and be a worthwhile investment if your son can go to a club with a friend and your daughter can be at nursery.

There’s no way they’d go to a stranger if I was in the house: they still come and seek me out even if DH is sat in the same room as them!

The childminder only has under 5s and they are all toddler girls so DS would hate that!

Get a Gro Clock . If she knows she can't come out or her room until it says so she will likely fall back to sleep. There needs to be consequences if she doesn't and everything will feel easier if you're all getting sleep.

What a helpful contribution!

Do you have other mum friends or family with children of similar age? Organise trips to the park/ playground for meet ups. That will take the pressure off... at least for one afternoon.

I used to spend a lot of time at the local country park when mine were little- we had a season ticket. I found there where other regulars and DC would have some lovely summer friendships and I someone for small talk to keep me saine.

There is absolutely no chance she’ll go back to sleep, this is a relatively recent sort of development and I really hope it stops as soon as it starts because it is slowly killing me but I also have to be realistic. She woke at half five today.

Mum friends … no one ever seems very keen to do anything. Maybe it is me!

Sorry you're going through this OP with your ill DH, it must be such a worry and stress. And the summer holidays are LONG when the DC are young.

I've been in a similar position, what really really helped me was adult social interaction, whether that was organising regular play dates with mums, or meeting up with friends and bringing the DC along.

Do you have any family locally? I used to decamp to my DP or DPIL for a week for the change of scenery, company or extra pair of hands.

Finally, in Scotland we have a charity called Home Start whereby volunteers support families by taking young DC out for the day to give mums a break - not sure if there is something similar in England? The volunteers are very well trained and experienced and its good for DC to spend time with a different trusted adult.

I don’t have any family.

I do find if I suggest meeting people either never want to or try to push for things which aren’t practical at all (and I suspect they know aren’t practical) so they feel they’ve offered and have ticked that box. It is me and the children, it’s best if I accept that.

This sounds really tough.
Plan everything. Plan your days, plan your meals and shopping.
This way you’re getting up in the morning, know what you’re doing and can go through the motions without using up too much mental energy.
Firstly, google what’s on in your local area and see if there’s anything you can book.
Then plan some day trips. Things like a beach trip, train ride somewhere, NT property with a good playground.
Then have a routine for the days at home - morning head out to a park or woods, picnic.
Afternoon either garden or out again if you need supermarket trip or library.
Garden if you have one, can be good for you to sit while they play. Water table works well to occupy kids. Paddling pool. Making some dinosaur or fairy lands in a little area.
Do they watch tv? Can you have a lie down while they watch a Disney film or multiple episodes of peppa pig ?

You are not alone in feeling this dread.

You mentioned that your 5 year old didn't enjoy holiday club when you sent him previously, but what about other organised activities? Our local football team put on a whole program of events over the holidays, and I imagine there are other sports that offer similar things. If you can afford it, he might enjoy a day a week/few days in one week learning a new sport? There are also things like forest schools which might feel more informal than a standard holiday club.

Other than that, I think we will be doing things like bus trips (or the train) - can easily fill half a day. Going to the library either to browse the books or possibly for some of the events they put on over the summer. Maybe a trip to a free museum (combined with a bus or train trip). We have a couple of free splash parks near us too which are great in the warm weather. I find if I can combine using public transport with something else that it will extend how long the activity takes, meaning not having to think of so many things to do!

Do you have a class whatsapp group? Last year people would just post in ours that they were going to certain places on x date and time and did anyone want to join. A few people used to dip in and out of different meet ups.
People would also ask if others were going to activity clubs and coordinate days so the kids would know someone else going.
I have a teen who would love to be paid for playing games with younger kids. Do any of your son's friends have older siblings who might be interested or have you got any neighbours with teens?
I would also get a tent in the garden and paddling pool and get them to make dens etc. During covid we got one of those inflatable bouncy castle water slide things. They are around £300-£400 so pricey but we get it out still every summer and it entertains them for hours at ages 14,10 and 6!
I made a very good nanny friend when my eldest was young and we met up with toddler group friends a few times a week in the holidays and it was a godsend having other adult company, so I do sympathise with feeling on your own.

Thanks. I think I’m definitely going to consider something like that for him.

Honestly mine was the same but bring her in bed with you, give her a tight cuddle, keep the room dark and don’t entertain the conversation…just keep saying shhhh it’s still sleep time. It will take a few days but you have to be stubborn and strict with it.

Mine now comes into my room at 5am,
crawls into bed and reluctantly dozes on and off until 7am and his mood is so much better as a result!

Co sleeping has never worked, if I’m in the room she wants to play they are just all different. Hoping she may go back to a more civilised wake up time soon!

Check if any of your local churches is running a holiday club - these are usually 2-5 days, 3-5 hours a day, so it would break up your summer a bit?