Worried about managing six weeks with two young children alone

[Warmthofthesun]

I know it’s a few weeks away still but I am approaching this summer with a sense of real trepidation. I have a five year old and a just turned three yesterday old and while they are generally pleasant enough and easy enough individually, together they do seem to set one another off and become hyped up and silly.

Sleep has been a big issue of late too with the younger one waking any time from 430 onwards. I can sometimes persuade her to go back to bed for a while but she doesn’t sleep, so while she hasn’t napped in the day for a few months she often needs a power nap now. Then depending on when this is late bedtimes. So the days already feel absolutely endless!

DH is very unwell so it’s all on me and I’m really anxious about it if I’m honest. I’m already dreading weekends but can get through as it’s two days, but six weeks may see me sectioned!

Do they know about your husband? Is there a possibility they are unsure they will say the wrong thing so that is why they don't want to meet?

This does happen a lot on here I find and it leads to bad feeling on threads as the OP feels unheard and frustrated which is how I am feeling now and the posters who do mean well and I don’t doubt the intent is kind feel like their helpful advice is being thrown back.

I have asked. I will ask. But if people aren’t up for it and judging by past experiences meet ups are infrequent then you cannot force them.

It works the other way as well. On Thursday DS’s school closed early and I had a couple of people message asking if we wanted to come to theirs but it just didn’t work for us on that occasion. If they’d kept asking I’d have found it uncomfortable as well.

I see that you're really stuck without reliable adult company and that people are not prioritising you as would be ideal but this situation is really too much for you and your kids to go through without good support so your only choice is to keep asking and trying different avenues to build that network.

Great, so ask to move it to a better time - say could we do something next week instead and name a day that would work.

I’m getting really annoyed now. That is pestering people and as I’ve explained numerous times that has the completely opposite effect.

This actually sounds positive. People do want to meet up! Just keep invitations open. Monday we are going to go to the park at X, anyone free to join? Wednesday we might visit the library for their craft activity, it's a drop in if anyone is interested.

You haven't responded to whether you are being supported by the school/nursery or cancer charities. Are there any groups that they offer that aren't made public? E.g. although children's centres barely offer anything these days they do hold private groups for certain target groups rather than the drop ins for everyone they used to.
Also my friend has a child with sen and they go to a lot of groups that are invitation only.

I don't think it is. It's being friendly. I don't know if you lack confidence, feel you aren't part of the group or whatever but if someone posted in the group chat (especially when mine were little) to organise things people would respond and no one saw it as pestering.
Does your 5 year old not have any particular friends so you can ask specifically? You seem very adamant that people won't be around but most people are not constantly busy.

But you have an excuse for everything OP!

You can’t go to childcare because they’re shy, can’t do a holiday club because you feel mean, won’t stay in the house because they are noisy, won’t find play dates because the time doesn’t suit you when they ask.

It’s not going to easily fall into your lap, raising children can be tricky but it seems like you don’t want to make any effort into doing anything else

I think I’m just going to have to hide the thread.

At no point have I said, or implied or suggested that people don’t want to meet up because of something awful about me. What they do want is for you to come to them and that doesn’t always work, especially when children aren’t the same ages or the times aren’t suitable or whatever.

I know I’m grouchy as another ridiculously early start but why can’t people just accept what you say?!

can’t go to childcare because they’re shy I believe I said my eldest didn’t like holiday clubs. Given he’s at school all term time it does feel mean to exclude him in the holidays. But I did say I’d keep looking for something he can do.

won’t stay in the house because they are noisy I’m sorry you feel someone dying in the house is an excuse. What sort of person says that?

won’t find play dates because the time doesn’t suit you when they ask Well, to explain a bit more thoroughly, people can be lazy and don’t always like travelling to you. When I had my DD one of my friends was shocked she’d have to come to me - umm yes, I’m not supposed to drive two days after a C section. That expectation is sort of still there with quite a few people I know; you come to us but we’re not going to you or even meeting in the middle. I know this and I’m not being critical, everyone has their quirks. But I also know what my friends are like, I know I’m not always going to feel like jumping in the car and driving forty five minutes in the heat to have an hour in someone else’s house panicking in case my ds breaks a toy and trying to get the younger one to stop pestering the older ones.

Telling you what life is like is not making excuses. That was a bit of a shitty comment in all honesty.

The thing is you have a reason not to do anything. You say you feel isolated and have no adult company but nothing works for you.
You can't ask friends as they might be busy.
You can't ask friends as they don't have children with the exact same ages as yours.
You can't ask friends as the timings don't suit.
You can't ask friends as it looks like pestering.
You can't send your child to holiday clubs as they didn't like it once.
Your children can't spend time with their dad as he is too ill (but well enough to still work...which I feel is a strange priority if he is dying not to want to spend time with the children).
You have no family at all (are you and DH both only children, no living parents, aunts, uncles?).

Surely a lot of this could be managed. Hey friend, happy to meet but could you come to ours instead of yours....really struggling to get mine out the house today. Hey friend, would love to meet, is it possible to meet at 10 instead of 12 as that's right on lunch for us?

Are you having counselling at all?

Still no response to the questions regarding cancer support charities, school, wider organisations or perhaps they also don't fit into your timings?

Why do all the mums live so far away? I mean we are not in walking distance to the school and it's a 10 mins drive but that still means friends are only within that sort of driving distance. Why are yours all 45 mins away?

Do you live somewhere isolated too?

Yeah. I kind of think terminal illnesses change things.

This is exactly what I said would happen. You politely explain why that doesn’t work; people refuse to take no for an answer and then get all annoyed with you.

still no answer I’m not obliged to respond.

@Moonnstarz If you could maybe just move on I’d appreciate it. I don’t have to justify myself. I meant to say ‘up to 45 minutes’ but whatever, it’s hardly a police interview although tbh it’s starting to feel a bit like one.

Get some childcare to help. There are great holiday clubs over summer- see if you can put them in for odd day/half day, this then gives you a bit of respite. And they will probably love it, as good chance to play with other kids

Sorry that you seem to have rejected all my suggestions. As I said before maybe you didn't really want advice and just wanted to post a general moan about holidays and young kids being hard work, and I have misinterpreted your post.
I will say that you are making life harder than it needs to be (and maybe there is a reason you wont respond to questions regarding why your dying husband prioritises work and not your children, why you have no family support and why you are refusing to mention if you do have support from school or the hospital).
Best of luck with it.

Are there any local reliable teenagers who could help you out in exchange for pocket money? When mine were that age there was a girl locally who just materialized one day because she heard I’d had baby and asked if she could say hello. From there on in she used to come down every Tuesday to help with teatime and bath time. Then as she got older she’d babysit. Her mum was just up the road in case of emergencies. She is in her 30s now and still in touch with my two. Maybe you could ask around locally?

edit: Just to add we had no family locally and she really made a huge difference to my life and the kids.

@Warmthofthesun given your difficult circumstances would it be worth asking dd's old nursery if they could take dd for a few sessions in August.
I know my dgc nursery often have gaps in holiday times and my dd has been able to swap dgc days sometimes.
Why not have a conversation with them.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, it's tough.

To clarify I am absolutely not saying that somebody dying in the house is an excuse and I am very sorry you are in this position.

You are only going to have a set amount of options and this is the reason that you cannot have the kids indoors. A very good and viable reason, yet still a reason.

This sounds really hard and I can see lots of suggestions have been made that you don’t feel would help. In that case I think I would bring the youngest into bed with me in the morning so I could still rest in bed. Even if it means putting the tv on or watching something on a tablet.
i would make after lunch quiet time so I could sit on the sofa with a brew and rest for an hour. Make this the daily routine. So any activities they do are quiet. Tv, drawing, Lego, puzzles whatever things they like but reinforce to them that it’s mummy’s quiet time .it might take a few days to sink in but keep reinforcing the message
Regarding activities i would want to choose some things that I enjoy doing. I like being outdoors so walking, cycling etc. invest the time teaching them to ride bikes or whatever it is that you enjoy so at least some of the days can be spent doing something that you like. This will be worth it in the long run.

OP I think posters are just trying to offer help as you do sound very isolated and haven't answered if cancer charities, school etc can offer any support. Also it sounds like neither you or DH have any family or any close friends which is very difficult.

I’m sure you’re not saying that @TheGirlWhoLived but can you honestly not see how it came across as breathtakingly insensitive and unkind at such a time?

In the last two weeks my life has gone into orbit. The childminder for instance: you’ve taken that as my mulishness and awkwardness but I met her for the first time last week and would like to ascertain that it’s a suitable place to send my toddler. She may not have space; she may be on holiday. I can’t say ‘oh yes that will work’ because at the moment I don’t know!

The summer was always going to be a tough slog but home was a sort of base and that’s no longer so much the case and it’s that which will be difficult.

Will RTFT now or at least the posts that appeared in that lull

Hi Op. Sorry you are having a tough time. Have you tried putting blackout blinds in the children’s bedrooms? And keep their windows shut overnight so your DD doesn’t get woken by the birds. Just remember, it does get easier as they get older. Look after yourself and try and get some rest when you can.

Yes, had blackout blinds since DS’s 5am days! I thought I’d skipped this stage with DD but it would appear not 🤦🏼‍♀️ I hope it ends soon!

Many apologies. Wrong thread