Worried about managing six weeks with two young children alone

[Warmthofthesun]

I know it’s a few weeks away still but I am approaching this summer with a sense of real trepidation. I have a five year old and a just turned three yesterday old and while they are generally pleasant enough and easy enough individually, together they do seem to set one another off and become hyped up and silly.

Sleep has been a big issue of late too with the younger one waking any time from 430 onwards. I can sometimes persuade her to go back to bed for a while but she doesn’t sleep, so while she hasn’t napped in the day for a few months she often needs a power nap now. Then depending on when this is late bedtimes. So the days already feel absolutely endless!

DH is very unwell so it’s all on me and I’m really anxious about it if I’m honest. I’m already dreading weekends but can get through as it’s two days, but six weeks may see me sectioned!

It's daunting when your normal routine changes. I used to feel the same about the 6 week holiday as often the playgroups and activities we went to also closed.

I used to make sure we got out of the house every morning for an activity and then has a more chilled time at home in the afternoon.

I didn't have a big budget so searched out free or low cost things.

• playgrounds - several different ones over the holidays with picnics.

• splash pads or paddling pools in some parks

• free activities run by libraries

• low cost or free activities run by churches

• a bus ride - the kids just used to like being in a bus as we normally travelled by car

• nature walks

• play dates with friends - alternate whose house you go to

• paddling in shallow streams

• crash course swimming lessons - not free or cheap but often they'll be cheaper than normal weekly lessons and run every morning for a week. Kids really make progress with intensive lessons

• the usual soft play, zoo and farm trips according to your budget.

It actually goes quite fast when you get into the swing of it. Mine are teens now and I miss the holiday time with them as they are busy doing their own thing a lot of the time now.

I am not sure of your situation exactly but wondered if you were entitled to any help (DH seriously ill so presumably not working at the moment, you being alone with the children for 6 weeks so also not at work). You mention the 5 year old not wanting to go to holiday club but if you are entitled, if you have the HAF scheme nearby there is usually lots of different options to give your child a funded place at a club (this might be one that does swimming, football etc) and it includes a meal.

I work in a school so have had plenty of holidays with the same thoughts of despair.
I used to plan the days so we had an activity out every day:
We have a zoo pass so we would go there 1 day every week.
We would go to the park which has water play, that would be every week (and we also organised to meet friends there for a picnic). Also different parks just for a change of scenery and also places to feed the ducks.
I looked for free activities - the library used to hold things like bounce and rhyme and story time, or just drop in colouring. It was a change of scenery regardless and if necessary we would just sit and read a book there.
Likewise the museum near us is free entry and often has kids craft and activities we would do.
I also would get the train nearby towns and go to their museums for somewhere different.
Soft play - this is a cost but we would do this a couple of times in the holiday (again sometimes meeting friends).
Also swimming. Do your child's currently swim? Mine were able to use a woggle so I felt safe taking two under 5s by myself.

I also had a rota of home activities I would do - baking, playdoh, painting, junk modelling, Duplo/Lego, film time, board games.

I like things structured so by having a weekly timetable it helped me survive.

Do you not know any of the parents from nursery or school? There will be lots in the same situation.
You can even keep an invite open - I know someone posted they were going to the park and taking a picnic and football, they put what date and time they were going and simply said if anyone else is free they would love the company. Several of us said we would also go. That might make you feel a bit better if you are worried about rejection as if you are planning to do it anyway it doesn't matter if others show up.

He’s managing to work but in a very reduced capacity. Most of his work involve(d) meeting clients, meetings and the like and now he’s just doing the bare bones he can do at home on the laptop. So it is a challenge that he’s ‘working’.

I know other parents but people aren’t always up for meeting up and you don’t always know why. I’m not reading any adverse inferences into this: sometimes it’s to do with money, or preferring to do the days out with partners / own family, or just not fancying it I suppose. I’m sure I’ll manage a couple of park or soft play meets but I guess the point is it isn’t something I can regularly rely on and it isn't going to be most of the summer.

No but I imagine you could organise a playdate every week. Generally I find no one wants to meet at weekends as the people I know will have partners home then. But weekdays anyone in the same position as being with the children each day are usually glad to meet others for moral support! Be brave and put yourself out there!

I would also seeing your update give yourself child free time at the weekend. If he is still well enough to be doing some form of work and isn't signed off then to me I would expect him to still take a share in the childcare. On a weekend I would hand them over to him so you get a break. He can still do something restful like watching a film, playing games with them (mine played a lot of orchard toys games at that age).

There’s a big difference between sitting on an adapted chair on a laptop and caring for children! Perhaps I haven’t been clear enough; DH is dying, he has terminal cancer.

I can and will put myself out there but you simply cannot force people and if you are too pushy it often has the opposite effect to the one you want. As I’ve said I’m sure there will be a couple of meets at soft play and the like but that’s not going to be every day or even possibly every week. It’s a long time to fill!

I completely understand why you would be dreading this, I remember the relentlessness of this phase, so exhausting, not a moment for yourself. When finally you could get a moment for yourself at 9pm, all you can do is go to sleep.
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, this must be devastating.
Sorry to give more suggestions but you could try making some 'summer rules' that you all write together on a big poster including no name calling, rudeness, hitting etc, they might come up with some of those themselves and start policing eachother. Maybe a reward of a trip to local shop for sweets/magazines end of week if they've kept to them.
Also keep it VERY simple. Do the same thing every day,kids love that then everyone knows what's happening and your mental load is less.
They can go to the same park every day, eat the same snacks and then come home. You might find people to get chatting to which can help brighten your day when things are tough.
Also if you have space to hide some toys away somewhere and rotate around when you need a change up. Usually a new toy they haven't seen for weeks gives a few hours of fun.
I'm sure you will find your way through it and your kids will have a fantastic summer, but it won't be easy on you, we are not supposed to be doing this stuff on our own, it almost feels impossible at times. Make it easy on yourself whenever you can.

OP this situation sounds awful.

Why is your H still working? Can he get signed off?

Can you speak to macmillan or similar and see if there is any childcare you can access through them?

If I was your friend I'd have your children once a week at least for the day.

This might be insensitive but why can't you be at home with DH?

I'm so sorry OP.

Does your DH need to keep working, could he be signed off and spend more quality time with you and DC?

Are there any local/national charities you could reach out to gor support for you now and in due course?

What was your friendship/support network pre DC? Does your DH have any family?

You sound very isolated and building a network as time progresses will be really helpful - are your friends aware of DH diagnosis? I cannot fathom being too busy to offer any support to a friend/colleague/parent of DC friend in your situation.

Sorry I missed the terminal cancer diagnosis. Why is he still working? Can he not be spending time with the children doing what he can to make memories with them? Is there any organisations you can reach out to for support? Not sure where you live but usually most areas have groups for bereaved children/young carers/long term illness. Maybe they could offer some respite.

I still think it is possible to organise a weekly meet up with school mums but maybe you aren't able to mentally do this because of your personal situation. Have you not got any connections to any of the parents (through going to parties) so you could perhaps ask them to help get some meet ups organised.

You earlier said it's the loneliness rather than the ideas of what to do, but you seem reluctant to change this and object to suggestions.

Going through this on your own sounds horrendous and it would be good for you if you had people you could talk to, help with entertaining the children and also being there for you in the future.

This is, as it is often with me, a bit left field. I am someone who has always woken up early, even when it isn't hot.

Set some things up in the garden (assuming you have one) when you are woken up take the child to the garden and get yourself a coffee, just sit and watch and drink your coffee.

When your other child is awake get on with some activities.

BUT you all have a siesta for an hour or two around lunchtime. If they won't lie down for a nap then a game of sleeping lions.

Make this your summer holiday routine, up early, lunch, siesta, afternoon activities, tea / dinner start of bed time routine.

Also, assuming you have a garden, the hedgehogs need water in this weather so start the children putting out water for them, you can also put out cat food for them.

Your early riser may well become a hog spotter.

There are various kits for exploring nature in the garden / park. Most wildlife charities have free resources for children.

This website has a free app that identifies the birds around you by their song / sounds. merlin.allaboutbirds.org/

He cannot walk very far, is in a lot of pain when he has to move away from a specially adapted chair and can only drive short distances, so I’m not sure what meaningful memories you think he can make with them. Even just sitting down with children this age isn’t very easy as they’ll forget and try to climb on him.

He is doing what he feels is best and I don’t think I should be saying otherwise.

@Moonnstarz i don’t think you’re really understanding and I’m trying to explain but seem to be caught up in a bit of a cyclical conversation. Having two little children all the time can be lonely. I’m kind of used to that because before this horrible diagnosis I often had them alone for the duration of the day. But it did mean the house was ours and for the most part, unless DH was working from home (which to be honest I’ve always found changes the sort of vibe in the house; it isn’t that he demands silence or anything just that for me it changes the atmosphere,) But anyway, the house and the day could be built around just the children a bit more easily. As it is I have to be mindful of DH as well, and he really is doing what he can but in many ways the focal point has shifted from the children to him for now, because how can it not?

Spending a couple of hours with a mum friend in soft play isn’t really going to affect that. And in a couple of cases (not all) people are backing off. Days out can work out very expensive , so a lot of the time I find people prefer to save that sort of thing for the weekend and partners.

I am sure we will get into a rough sort of plan / routine where we’re out for the morning and then back for the afternoon most days. Last summer was also hard work but I did have the option of sending DD into nursery for a couple of days a week and while both children are much easier alone I’d say ds is no real trouble and is downright easy. (That’s another mum friend problem I have; there’s an awful lot of one child families but that is for another day perhaps!) Ds plus DD is another story. I did actually put a film on for them yesterday afternoon and had to abandon it as it was like having a sheepdog and a cat; endlessly roaming in circles, go to one sofa get up down knock cushions down roam to DH, climb on DH, wedge between the space between New Chair and sofa, out again, swipe at sister, sister screams, sister climbs on DH, gets down, roam and herd and shriek and climb. My crap parenting? Possibly; they aren’t like that alone though.

Still hoping this may get better yet …

I think my point is you don't know til you ask for help. You sound isolated and alone, you acknowledge you have no help. You are going through a major life event.

Maybe you just wanted a rant rather than any suggestions of help.

If friends knew my husband had a terminal illness I would hope they would be supporting me and giving practical help.
You have also ignored whether there has been offers of help from any cancer charities and the hospital. It seems sad that your DH is still working but spending time with the children is something he can't do - is he having counselling? Are the children aware of how poorly daddy is (and again being supported by organisations).

Are the school aware? There should be someone in school who can also pinpoint support for your family.

Maybe your intention was just to have a moan which you are most definitely entitled to as life has dealt you a poor hand and I misinterpreted this as you wanting suggestions.

Also to add you are not a crap parent. Is it possible the children act up as they know something is amiss?

I think I’ve made the point a few times that you can ask but you can’t force and repeatedly asking can come across as pestering and have the opposite effect to the one you want to have.

I am just not going to have someone accompanying me most of the time, that’s all really.

And I don’t know that I posted for suggestions as such, although they are welcome. It’s possible I am misinterpreting as well because ‘a moan’ is really not the point either.

The kids have always been difficult together, they seem to wind one another up and feed one another’s energy so that rather than being able to calm situations down things get whipped up often very quickly and struggle to return to a calmer state, ending only when someone is visibly annoyed or when someone gets hurt.

The problem is sometimes threads can fixate on something; it was the gro clock at first and now it’s mum friends, and people sometimes just won’t take ‘that won’t work’ as an answer.

This sounds really hard, I'm sorry your partner is so ill and dying.
Your kids sound like mine so I don't doubt they will be pretty much unbearable at home.

I really would try and find at least someone whose company you like to commit to a once a week hang. People will really genuinely want to be there in this situation. A friend of dp's or yours or a school mum or neighbour? If you could get 1-2 of these in regularly you'll have some time to talk even in snatches

I would also put major effort into finding childcare at least one day a week for them both at once. My eldest prefers to be with the little one so if you can find a nursery or childminder that takes both? We have a forest school locally that takes kids between 1-7. Again, people will want to help in this situation so tell them what's going on and they will make allowances.

Then if you can get membership to national trust or a convenient farm park or whatever then I would do that at least once a week - might be a nice way to spend time out of the house altogether if at all possible for your dp. Again, if someone is offering to help then you could ask for this as a gift.

You will not be at all cf in this situation to ask straightforwardly for the help you need.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough.

I would focus all my time and energy on dropping the daytime nap right now so the killer early mornings are resolved and you get some more sleep. Everything will then be more manageable. So steel yourself for a few difficult days, hopefully for longer term relief. Keep them out busy occupied, so no chance of sleeping

Nothing I do seems to make any difference to be honest, if she doesn’t nap she’s in bed earlier but she still wakes early! It’s rubbish - I just hope it comes to an end soon. It gets to 9 o clock and it feels like you’ve done a full day already.

Also I hear you re what's app groups not being responsive, but I think what so many people are saying is that in our experience other adult/kid combos make this so much more bearable.

So if your current contacts aren't working, you could try rotating around your local playgrounds, local play sessions. If there's a kid your kids play with, or a mum you chat to, you can just say, they seem to be getting on, same time next week? Or I was thinking of coming back tomorrow with a picnic if you fancy? Have you tried xy or z place, I was thinking of going on Tuesday... Or something like that, build it from there?

I know but you can’t force people. I’m not sat here saying ‘I’d prefer to be alone!’

For the sleep, give in to screens first thing and quit the naps so you can all get early to bed.

I have a job with some responsibility and 2 full on kids and I absolutely would drive an hour each way once a week to see a friend or relative in this situation through the summer holidays.

I’m sure you think you would. That’s not intended snarkily, but would you if it meant your own children missed out because you were spending money on fuel? Would you if you were on holiday for a fortnight? Would you if there was a particular event they wanted to go on?

I know this weekend I’ve tried to arrange things and I know when people are politely saying ‘no’ and if you keep pushing it you run the risk of pushing them away altogether.

I’m not sure what people want from me here to be honest, I don’t want to be grumpy and horrible but I don’t know how many times in how many different ways I can explain that for the most part people aren’t really interested in meeting up!

Weekends are tricky as I said because that's when people generally do family stuff. Weekdays in the school holidays though are usually a different matter. You mention no one using holiday clubs so I assume they are also home with children (or have family looking after kids?). The weekdays are generally what are long for other families which is why I am surprised no one is keen to meet up from either of the school mums group or the nursery parents. Maybe it's the area you live in that people are less outgoing and willing to meet.