Advisable to pay for childcare for 1 year old if dh on 70% pay, i am on 40k and we have mortgage £1250 in London

[Oneanddonemum2025]

Dh is on long term sick leave for complex medical reasons but he does care for our son now- changes his nappies, takes him out to give me a break, cooks his meals. He is on 70% of his previous income (75k) which works out to 50k. I was made redundant just before i got pregnant, worked a contract role during pregnancy and just got a new role paying less than what i previously earned (40k). Not happy with it but the job market is terrible and we have dipped far too much into savings due to dh's sick leave.

2 days at childcare would be around £300 with free hours (employees on sick leave qualify). Our mortgage is £1250 for a 2 bed flat. No student loans so take home around £5900..

Aibu to think we could save on childcare during this tight time or am i being stingy? Or is baby better off with his dad than a nursery worker though it may contribute to burnout. One thing is baby is still boob obsessed so one benefit of his father caring for him is dh says he will take him to my office during lunch breaks.

The point is even if your DH hasn't had seizures for years, he must have ongoing, serious symptoms to have been diagnosed with FND at a severity level justifying not working at all for a year.

It is hard for people to see how it is compatible to be that ill, yet be contemplating full time sole charge of an active toddler.

It just doesn't make sense unless

• DH isn't actually that ill. He just got signed off by occ health at some point and is choosing to not look a gift horse in the mouth.
• DH (and OP) are seriously underestimating whats involved in caring for a toddler day in day out and don't realise its going as a minimum hinder recovery, or worst case lead to serious risk to the toddler.

OP, is your wee one walking yet? That is a massive, massive change to the level of care required. I cannot see how your husband can provide adequate care with brain fog and potential seizures. You say he struggles with memory - how will he keep track of everything? How will he take out your toddler if he struggles with stress and overwhelm?

I think at bare minimum you need to do a trial before pulling your reservation at full-time childcare. Go out for an entire day, don't prep anything in advance, don't come back... just pretend it's a work day. See how it goes. Then multiply it by some figure as your child will just get harder and harder for the next couple of years (and then hugely easier after 6 or so).

Just to concur with OP that our 'free' two days costs £200 a month, and that's pretty typical, there isn't really a 'cheaper' option.

It really varies from day to day. My dh says work is very different from childcare

I just talked to the nursery and 4 half day sessions a week would be free. But only from september. So we can do that

Can you do some flexi-working to be home that one day a week? But otherwise sounds like a decent option.

I really think the 24K you have saved up is exactly for this purpose though - 24K / £300 a month is lots and lots of months. And a husband being too ill to work but hoping to improve is a rainy day if ever there was one. So still think it's worth spending 'something' on childcare to create more time for him to get better - but at bare minimum, the 4 half-days are a good start.

Your DH has never done childcare? By your own admission he has taken an immobile baby to the park or for a walk. That’s nothing like childcare for the day, let alone week.

Does the 4 half days work logistically if you’ve chosen a nursery where you both commuted to rather than where you live?

Id really focus on:

• what are his key symptoms - the ones his FND diagnosis rests on and which are what has kept him unable to work at all this past year
• how he would really manage those with a toddler in tow

You regularly have to pick up or restrain toddlers, they get much stronger than babies. Meal times & nap times can be draining, they become stubborn and non compliant, its very very different to a stationary baby in a pram.

To have been unable to work for a year he must have had muscle weakness, numbness in limbs, slurred speech, recent seizures etc. Brain fog & work related stress wouldn't cut it, not for a full year off.

Its better to acknowledge the risk than just hope he manages with a toddler.

Erm he doesnf have slurred speech, numbness in limbs. My baby crawls around everywhere.

Its been going on since october 2024 tbh. He exhausted the 6 months full pay and 4 months paid paternity which is why he is on insurance. The insurance was separately claimed for and took months whike he was on occupational sick pay.

He does childcare all the time. Changing nappies and everything. My 11 month isnt immobile, he is learning to walk lol.

Its near my workplace currently and dh takes child on the tube all the time. Its not really an issue.

But not all on his own for entire days with a properly mobile toddler who needs endless interactions. Am sure this will sound a bit off written down but it’s kindly meant… do you know any 18 month olds he could look after for an entire day? Totally different situation to a wee one crawling about while his mother is there.

My update is i signed him up for 4 half days at my nursery which is fully covered by funded hours. But funded hours only start from september as i just got my job offer. Baby would be 14 months then

There's mobile and there's MOBILE. A crawling baby is far easier to contain than a toddler.

Once they learn to walk, running isn't far behind!

I'm not sure you quite understand how much more physically demanding it's going to get over the next year. That's not a criticism btw, no one truly understands before they get a toddler.

Well he is going to get 4 half days in nursery.

You’re missing the point, changing a nappy or taking a baby, younger than 11 months up until now, to the park isn’t ‘childcare’ and it’s nothing like caring for a child full time.

I think that's sensible. No I'm not quite sure why you're so worried from the money side, as even with your husband's cut pay, your income is reasonably large, and your mortgage quite low, with a decent chunk of savings (far more than most people with a small baby, even if you think they're small). It doesn't sound like there's any real reason to worry, whether you use childcare or not.

My plan is i go to work in the morning. Dh leaves home at 11 and takes him to my workplace at 12 noon. I breastfeed and cuddle him and then dh takes him to nursery which is 20 minutes away for the afternoon session at 13:00. Nursery ends at 6:30 and i get off work at 5:30 so will pick him up.

So all in all dh is with baby alone for 4 hours? Friday has kids service in the afternoon but if its too hard might add a morning sesion. Think it will cost £200 if its upgraded to 2.5 days= 0.5 times 5

You're expecting him to travel for an hour just so baby can have some boobs?

That's outrageous and hugely cuts into anything you want to do with the toddler. Many toddler activities groups etc will start at 10, so he won't have time to properly do those. When's toddler going to have lunch? It won't be when toddler arrives at nursery and 1pm will be usually part way through nap time (which I presume your toddler will join in with when arriving).

My youngest bf for nearly 3 years and I think this is nuts.when you said he'd take baby to work for you to bf, I thought it was round the corner.

Honestly, I’m off sick (was on sick pay and now just unemployed) due to cancer. There is no bloody way I could be caring for an 11 month old all day. Being unwell means my energy stores are limited. I can use that energy to get better or I can use it to run myself ragged looking after the dc. Mine are older (8 & 13) and even still, Dh who works FT still does a significant amount of the parenting. Because I need to look after myself. I think your Dh needs to rest and he can’t rest with an 11 month old.

I think baby needs to be in nursery more days than not. None of this running around for feeds (mine were bf starting nursery and they managed fine on food and a cup of milk). And do full days. So sure, Dh can do a day or two at home, but no half days at nursery. Full days to allow flexibility for hospital appointments and resting for Dh.

We travel for an hour for many things with baby tbh. Its more like 40mins but in london budget 1 hour to go anywhere. And its dh's suggestion. And obviously if he needs to do anything with baby then he doesnt need to come.

But with dh if there is a structure there is less chance of things going wrong.

This just doesn’t seem sustainable for a 14 month old. If he has to leave at 11am every day but doesn’t start nursery until 1pm will he just have to eat his lunch on the tube every day?
He’s likely to be on one nap by then, the whole structure of the day doesn’t sound beneficial.

Travelling an hour to do a particular activity with a baby isn’t the same as travelling an hour to drop them off at nursery and then having to travel an hour home, during rush hour with a baby in a buggy who’s probably going to be hungry.

It being his suggestion doesn't stop it being nuts.

What's going to happen about toddler groups? Lunch? Nap?

He doesnt have hospital appointments. Just therapy on wednesday afternoon. Dh suggested half days as at least can get a break daily and my baby does sleep a lot in the mornings.

Baby will have lunch with me and then go to nursery. Tbh my baby can sleep anywhere including in the carrier. We bring food with or we buy baby friendly food outside

He has always been able to adjust easily to our day. We never need to go home at a certain time unless its after 8 pm. I feed him and then he sleeps in his carrier or pram.

Babies drop their morning nap and then move to a one nap structure. He'll want fun in the morning not to be strapped into a pushchair or a sling for an hour!

Most nurseries start their daily nap at 12 or 12:30.

So if he doesn't have seizures, slurred speech, muscle weakness....

What FND symptoms does he have to have been off work entirely for a full year?

There's no point burying head in sand about it. Whatever symptoms he has, you need to plan for how they might affect him caring for a toddler so you need to recognise the seriousness.