Advisable to pay for childcare for 1 year old if dh on 70% pay, i am on 40k and we have mortgage £1250 in London

[Oneanddonemum2025]

Dh is on long term sick leave for complex medical reasons but he does care for our son now- changes his nappies, takes him out to give me a break, cooks his meals. He is on 70% of his previous income (75k) which works out to 50k. I was made redundant just before i got pregnant, worked a contract role during pregnancy and just got a new role paying less than what i previously earned (40k). Not happy with it but the job market is terrible and we have dipped far too much into savings due to dh's sick leave.

2 days at childcare would be around £300 with free hours (employees on sick leave qualify). Our mortgage is £1250 for a 2 bed flat. No student loans so take home around £5900..

Aibu to think we could save on childcare during this tight time or am i being stingy? Or is baby better off with his dad than a nursery worker though it may contribute to burnout. One thing is baby is still boob obsessed so one benefit of his father caring for him is dh says he will take him to my office during lunch breaks.

I really don’t think on a post tax income of £5000, and just shy of £3.5k left after mortgage and the proposed childcare is so low that it’s worth the risk that full time childcare 5 days a week could potentially push your DH to hit being able to work at full capacity again.
Particularly with decent savings behind you.
It seems utterly miserly at the expense of your DH’s health.

I can't work out why you can't pay your bills on that take home salary though - seems really high as compared to your mortgage (my mortgage is higher and my take home is lower...). Where does it all go?

As he isn't working anyway and you aren't making a massive London salary, would it make sense to look to move somewhere more affordable? Is it transport costs and such that are skewing the budget?

Its dh who says we should do it this way.

Some people are missing the point. It quite possible to be ill enough to be unable to do a specific job but that doesn't necessarily mean they are unable to do anything. This is why companies take out this type of insurance. I think that it's worthwhile paying the £300 so that your husband has a break.

I think almost any office job is easier than full time care of a toddler. The toddler years almost broke me and I work full-time. It's just relentless and you can't take your eyes off them for a second.

I think you can be signed off sick and look after school-aged children in various ways and you can certainly be too sick for one thing and not too sick for another - but toddler childcare needs a 'lot' of energy to do well.

I don’t think anyone is saying it means he’s totally unable to function, but that if his symptoms are severe enough that he can’t do his role which seems office based, full time childcare of a young toddler seems misguided.
Even with the childcare he would still be caring for the child 3 full days, which will still be taxing on sick leave.

We live in zone 3. Flats are struggling to be sold anyway and it would erode our equity (we onky have 40% equity).We have no car and use public transport.

. Plus we started attending church every week which would enable our son to get into a great state school (56% at higher level) and will do so for the next 2 years (no need for baptism). Also in catchment for a great jewish primary school. And at secondary level as we are jewish and synagogue goers, he can go to jewish school (also in london) and we live in catchment for a good state school in case we are unlucky for the jewish school. While our employment situation isnt amazing, if we can give him a good education, that is something and £1250 mortgage isnt a huge price to pay for the education given we all have to live somewhere.

We have been paying our bills on his sick pay and maternity allowance. Our rate of savings needs to be higher to account for gaps in employment as we have literally no help.

I don’t see how someone is sick enough not to work but can look after a baby? Surely he needs rest. I’d go for the childcare, best to transition now, it’s easier younger. And theyll learn fine to go without boob, mine was boob obsessed but fine at childcare as it’s just not an option there.

Synagogue 'and' church attendees! sounds like you have very busy weekends! I don't think I could attend church for this reason myself (Jewish family here too) so kind of amazed by that one. Which isn't the point at all but I'm a bit stuck on it!

I really think you need to give your husband a break - whether or not he needs one. You'll be in far worse shape in 4 years if he's still unable to work and stops getting his sick pay. I would throw everything at rehab / therapy / gentle exercise routines / whatever - you have a long, long time before your child is old enough to be self-sufficient and definitely don't want to become a single income family if there's another option.

We have been paying our bills on his sick pay and maternity allowance. Our rate of savings needs to be higher to account for gaps in employment as we have literally no help.

You are currently BOTH facing the fact that what you thought was possible/advisable to do when you were both working simply isn’t possible if one of you is ill.
Does it mean it is making things harder financially? Yes it does. Harder, more unstable. But, unfortunately, that’s part of the reality of living with a chronic illness. There is a reason why a big part of chronically ill people are poor or living under the poverty line.

Please remember, you are NOT destitute, unable to pay bills.
You still can pay your bills, your mortgage, live where you want to be.
You just can’t put as much money aside for savings as you’d like.

He does the rehab and therapy and i will get adhoc childcare sessions when he needs it.

We just go for friday shabbat service and then church on sundays. We arent orthodox so the friday service isnt a big deal.

Which may be coming from the fa t he is very aware he isn’t working and feels like a burden. Or not manly enough because he is working/earning.
Or simply he has integrated the ableist idea that chronically ill people are only worthy if they somehow still manage age to function like if they weren’t ill, at least from the outside.

Many chronically ill, disabled people think like this. Often due to theres sure from our very ableist society.
It takes a very long time to realise and accept.

But one thing it doesn’t mean is that it’s the right path for him or you as a family.

Synagogue and church? Wow. The lengths people go to for a school place!

It sounds as if the husband has critical illness cover - lots of people do and claiming under his policy is not at all relevant to you or anyone else. He or his employer pays the premium.

Do you not think its a pretty poor demonstration of your faith (whichever one it is? Christian? Jewish? You seem to be both which surely means you are neither, properly!) to be regularly attending religious services for two different religions?!

Tbh it says a certain amount about your honesty and your ethics as you clearly dont see any problem with pretending certain things to secure what you want, which makes me question your husband's illness tbh.

I know, right? I think OP is missing a trick by not attending Mosque on Fridays - just to keep all bases covered!

Honestly it doesn't sound like you want to change your plans so I guess I can only wish you luck. I hope this all works out for you. I think it's a truly terrible idea but I don't get a vote!

(Continue to also think it's odd to attend church, also don't get a vote on that!)

I’ll be honest, if I was an accessor at the insurance company and found out he was caring full time or even 3 days a week for a child so young whilst saying they were too ill/disabled to return to work even on a phased return I would be suspicious to say the least. The condition is serious, I’m not saying that but it’s like many other conditions that vary between people and vary within the individual from day to day, month to month. If it’s under control sufficiently to care for a child under 5 then phased return would be the expectation at any employer I’ve worked for (hr)

@Oneanddonemum2025you need to put your child in childcare.
My husband has seizures due to epilepsy (started when our daughter was 3 and she’s now 7) his seizures are normally on an evening and I work shifts….his meds cause fatigue. He went 2 years seizure free and they came back. I’ve had to change my shifts so I’m (or someone else is around) incase he has a seizure the ‘he hasn’t has a seizure in a while’ isn’t a safe enough bet as with FND just like epilepsy they can come out of the blue. He works from home most of the time, he can have micro breaks etc. Fatigue increases
the risk….a toddler is hard work 5 days per week if he has FND and unable to work.
if he has a seizure your nearly 1 year old can’t ring for anyone.
Weve had to teach our daughter to ask Alexa to ring me or an ambulance and use her dad’s phone just incase he has what she calls ‘a wobbly dance’.
Being off for a year is a big deal. It should be to help him manage/deal with his condition and try and get back to work in some capacity….not to put the pressure on being a SAHP

I think people think this stuff is just "free money" because "the insurance company pays" but actually we all pay the cost through higher premiums. Even if the employer is the one directly paying the premiums, when these sorts of costs rise a lot it tends to lead to cost cuts and less wage growth for everyone else.

@ToffeeCrabApple the dh has an INSURANCE.
The idea is that many people will pay fur years and never claim, which will cover fir people like the dh who receive payment. yes sometime up to retirement.

It doesn't affect wages etc… Its not the same than a company paying say 90% of your wage for the first 6 months of sickness instead of smp

Nope church knows we are jewish as we tell them. All it matters is we sign on the church register.. i am very open that i am jewish and am just exposing my child to other religions..

as for whether you are jewish, that isnt determined by whether you go to synagogue. Its whether you were born jewish or had a valid conversion. Religiously we identify as jewish and are also jewish by progressive jewish standards. So its important for us to go to service though that is also required for school. Btw requiring synagogue attendance for jewish school is controversial as many jews dont attend (usually) but still identify as jewish and want a jewish education for many reasons and also express their jewishness via home rituals. It just happens i like going to synagogue. The synagogue attendance is a result of a court case which ruled that jewish schools cant discriminate against admitting kids whose mums had a non orthodox conversion. But frankly it is a strange way for determining whether a child is jewish because there are other ways to include non orthodox jewish children. I have my reservation about the local jewish school which is why i am doing this but will make my decision closer to the times.

Anyone can attend a church, synagogue or mosque. It says nothing about their religious leanings.

Would clash with synagogue.

Also i doubt mosques have issues with being filled.

Taking a baby out for an hour or two to give you a break is totally different from caring for them solely 10/12hrs a day

Wonder if spreading the hours over four days, so four half days a week in nursery would be better? Might cost more but more manageable for your DH to do afternoons rather than long days?

I’ve skimmed the thread so apologies if I’ve missed anything, but just wanted to add my experience of FND. My sibling has FND (nearly 3 years in) and currently days can range from tremors and tics to full blown seizures and pain/getting ‘stuck’. Can’t leave the house on their own. Memory issues are a big one too. Every day is unpredictable and symptoms range wildly with new things popping up all the time; they didn’t exhibit half of the things they experience now early on in the diagnosis. I am not comfortable leaving my almost school age child in their solo care even for a short period, let alone a full working day (and definitely not multiple times a week).

editing to add my child is toilet trained and is as self sufficient as one their age can be so childcare wouldn’t be as taxing as your set up with a young toddler! I really would be pushing for external childcare in your situation