Advisable to pay for childcare for 1 year old if dh on 70% pay, i am on 40k and we have mortgage £1250 in London

[Oneanddonemum2025]

Dh is on long term sick leave for complex medical reasons but he does care for our son now- changes his nappies, takes him out to give me a break, cooks his meals. He is on 70% of his previous income (75k) which works out to 50k. I was made redundant just before i got pregnant, worked a contract role during pregnancy and just got a new role paying less than what i previously earned (40k). Not happy with it but the job market is terrible and we have dipped far too much into savings due to dh's sick leave.

2 days at childcare would be around £300 with free hours (employees on sick leave qualify). Our mortgage is £1250 for a 2 bed flat. No student loans so take home around £5900..

Aibu to think we could save on childcare during this tight time or am i being stingy? Or is baby better off with his dad than a nursery worker though it may contribute to burnout. One thing is baby is still boob obsessed so one benefit of his father caring for him is dh says he will take him to my office during lunch breaks.

This isn't just a day here and there or a short spell though is it? This is someone so ill they've not been able to work at all for a whole year.

If i was the insurance company I'd be quite suspicious if someone was completely unable to work at all but able to care full time sole charge for an active 1 year old. If you can manage that change job & become a nanny.

And yes ive had to call my mum to help when DC and I were both sick.

I can’t see how you can justify being paid a very high enhanced rate of sick pay by your employer, while then using that time instead to provide full time child care for an infant.

Employers don’t pay sick pay so their employees can take their children out of nursery and care for them at home full time instead.

I think the difference is fairly clear.

He does have memory issues. He can be quite scattered but i havent observed anything dangerous. He isnt great with night so baby cosleeps with me and baby mainly sleeps through the night.

Thats great for you because my parents are overseas and dh's mum doesnt care if he lived or died

I think people think this stuff is just "free money" because "the insurance company pays" but actually we all pay the cost through higher premiums. Even if the employer is the one directly paying the premiums, when these sorts of costs rise a lot it tends to lead to cost cuts and less wage growth for everyone else.

You don't have to justify being paid high rates of sick pay and looking after a baby. It's a legal/ practical arrangement and none of anyone else's business. You live your life as works best for you with the cards you've been dealt.

If he's happy to do it and you're happy for him to do it, what is it you're unsure about?

I do think you need to consider the plan for your DH recovery and to get him back to work in this arrangement. While it’s fine assuming the insurance company will pay 70% wage for 5 years, ultimately, it is the employers choice. Can they survive without him for 5 years because they can’t recruit into his role while he is off sick. If I was his employer I’d also be thinking if we coped for a year, or 5 years, do we even need this role and consider redundancy and/or fitness for work. Sick leave is for recovery not childcare. And it doesn’t sound like you can afford to lose his salary (especially given your own admission that the job market is rubbish, his reference will reflect absence and he’ll start losing skills being out of work for so long).

Id agree with this. If hes even partially able to work he should be speaking to his employer. Surely if hes able to care for a 1 year old 5 days a week he could for eg manage 3hrs of work for his employer per day, of reduced duties?
At 1yo babies are probably at their hardest work to care for!! They nap less, move more, and developmentally need stimulation. They are onto proper food so need 3 suitable meals a day preparing, but not yet toilet trained so you are still doing all the nappies and hygiene and keeping them clean.

Im a bit gobsmacked tbh that your husband has told his employer hes so completely unwell that hes been signed off long term on sickness, but is now saying hes fine to care for a 1yo 5 full days a week.

Wow just wow there is a lot wrong with peoples work ethic these days.

Agree with this.

Also suspect that your DH would last probably a week before finding it far, far too much and then you having to re-think the whole thing.

Isn’t there a halfway house? Baby goes to nursery mornings only? DH has him 1-5 (when he’s likely to have a longish nap)?

Agree with posters saying he should be capable of amended duties / reduced hours. What has his Occ Health / HR dept suggested re: this? Surely 3hrs a day WFH on light duties is better for both DH and the employer than this quasi-sabbatical of an arbitrary ‘5 years off’???

We do which we have childcare on backup.

My husband didnt tell anyone he is sick. He just went to OH and OH suggested this.

And he has been to a lot of specialists. Who have written a lot of letters. Its all above board.

Well, it's dh's call to a certain extent. FND is tricky as it can be exacerbated by stress and the treatment pathway is not linear. A baby might be ok, but a lively toddler is quite different and so I'd want to be sure there were readily available quickly accessible toddler childcare options available before I gave up a childcare place.
You're going to need all the support possible as it'll be you that needs to step on career wise if you want to get on a different financial footing. Your insurance may pay out for five years but very few places will hold a job open for that long and job seeking after a long absence is tricky. Oh and btw ignore the criticism of that wage cover that kind of cover is excellent but you'll have been paying a premium for it and it's what it's there for.

If you're in London you're in one of the best places to access FND support. It's one of the few places where there are specialist psychologists (essential not just any old therapist, but ideally a psychologist who is trained in EMDR). Good luck with the recovery journey.

I have FND.

it’s very much an umbrella diagnosis and symptoms can vary between people.

in my case it’s related to an accident I was in the damaged my foot and I don’t always have motor control or sensation in my foot.

there’s a few issues here:

firstly whether he is safe with the baby. Some people with FND have seizures similar to those in epilepsy. If he gets those then he’s not really safe to look after the baby. For some people they have specific triggers which he may be able to avoid which will help,

secondly plans for the long term. Ideally he’d be working on controlling symptoms and trying to find a path back to some kind of gainful employment. Looking after a baby is unlikely to be helpful with that.

that having been said if he’s safe to do so doing a couple of days childcare for a few months is unlikely to be a major problem - but a lot does depend on his symptoms.

it’s also worth being aware that in some people a diagnosis of FND is later changed to eg MS, motor neurone disease etc - basically sometimes FND is early signs of something more serious.

Can you do a trial run? See how he copes and what he can realistically do? Perhaps whilst you do KIT days?

He hasnt had a seizure in a while. Can struggle with brain fog

Surely to some extent it depends on the parent and their situation. A child with an unwell burnt out parent may well benefit from some time at nursery, as well as quality care giving time with both parents(which would be the case here).

Also may depend on the child. I had two very "busy" children who were desperate for stimulation and company and they definitely got a lot out of nursery even from a young age. I accept the same may not be true for less gregarious children.

Both mine were at nursery before 1 year so I admit I'm being defensive! They're secondary/uni age now and it doesn't seem to have done them, or our bond, any harm.

In this situation even one day childcare would give the unwell husband a bit of a break.

Your DH needs to start being primary carer for some days whilst you are out the house. And repeat. Only then can you have an idea whether he can hack it or it’s going to be a stress exacerbating the FND. One 1yo should not be that stressful IMHO if you are not expecting the house to be perfect and all chores completed but others willl disagree!

Most research suggests that it's actually fairly equal, and it depends on the quality of the home environment. Against that of the nursery environment.
If the home environment includes lots of interaction and variance with other children, activities and good carers it can be better as the child is around people that love it. Whereas if the home environment is brilliant the reverse can be true.

If he can’t do full time without making himself ill, would part time childcare work? Saving you some cash and giving child more parent time

I think you should invest in your career as much as you can if there’s a chance you could be the primary earner long term. 2 days childcare is fine.

Classic Mumsnet, telling the working mother of a small baby whose husband is really sick and mortgage is large that her family's way of managing it all is like a representation of all that is morally wrong with the world of work.

You can't change insurance from the bottom up. You don't owe your workplace your health. There are future career issues which I'm quite sure are at the front of the op and her H's mind but ultimately this is somebody just trying to manage a difficult situation.

As somebody who stayed at home with my kids for a few years I know childcare is not relaxing or easy but it is not the same kind of work as employment. I don't know the details of the H's illness - just as noone else on this thread does - so it's a matter for him and you whether he can and should manage it and what the balance between that and financial difficulty is.

This is madness … he struggles with brain fog, has had seizures in the past, issues with memory… maybe not the best option to care for 1 year old solo.

Surely it's £300 a month not £300 per week?

If so I'd book the childcare which sounds like it should be easily manageable given your monthly take-home pay.

Is your DH able to fully recover while caring for the baby?

Don’t forget that the sacrifice overall if he doesn’t get better could be his whole salary vs the £300. I would give DH those days to rest. You have plenty of money out of £5900 left after mortgage and nursery for bills and food etc. My husband is currently on LTS (0% wage) so I do understand the stress of it. But he’s on sick leave to recover not to do childcare.

Are you sure about the nursery costs? You should qualify for about 21hrs a week free. Ask around at other nurseries and childminders?

I don’t think it’d be healthy to be in all of the time with a toddler when unwell. Presumably your DH wouldn’t be doing toddler classes and many enrichment activities.