Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

[pestels]

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

The wedding is next year if she is still with him then I’d say it’s a long term relationship and fair enough to invite. I’m not sure it’s your place to judge her relationship tbh

But she may not be with him and then problem solved

Purely on a length of relationship, 1 year is quite a lot at 22 so I would invite on that basis. And by the time of the wedding it won't be much less than the 2 years you've accepted BIL's partner on the back of.

But it sounds like you don't particularly want him to be there due to what he's like?

I think you either have to keep it actual siblings only (which it sounds like it's too late to change to!) or treat your SIL the same way you've treated others and invite her partner regardless of personality.

Also it's a bit weird asking them to estimate when they'll get married. You don't have to be married to be a significant part of someone's life.

And yes as pp said, if they're not together next year then problem solved.

You sound like you're judging based on how old she is, which is a bit unfair and likely go cause resentment. I would just try and treat everyone equally and focus on that rather than trying to curate a perfect gestalt where everyone is in some permanent relationship.

Considering around half of marriages end in divorce none of you can say with certainty that you are with your ‘life partner’

I am basing this alot on age, maybe that is unfair, but she is very young, so it's hard for me to see this as a serious long term relationship due to her age and maturity. I have dated my partner since we were 19, but still at 22 I wouldn't have said I thought he should get an invite in a similar situation. It was highly probably that we could have broken up in the next few years. I really don't want some random ex in my photos especially one we didn't really gel with

I'd play the long game and invite him but stick him on the end of the table make and sure he is not in all the main photos.

I did this with my SIL who was (very obviously to me) "on the way out".
X̌x̌ and my DBs marriage was a train wreck

We invited my DHs youngest brother and his girlfriend (19 and 20 at the time) which my pil were dicks about 😵‍💫 and they are now married 7 yrs later....

I guess you have to decide whether it's more important to have photos that only have people in them who remain in your future, or whether you want your family to enjoy the day with their loved ones.

I can't quite get my head around the focus on photos but I admit I'm not like most people in that respect. To me, they're a record of the day, not a cast-iron guarantee of an entire family's future!

This!!! I was married for 10 years…was! Life partner! Ffs sake just let them have their partner and don’t have them in family photos.

My parents in law have both split from the long term partners they brought to my wedding!!! Maybe I should have checked they were serious first

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again

Could happen to any couple regardless of length of relationship, plus anyone could become a person you never see again. I went to a 40th anniversary party recently and there were only 2 guests there who were at the wedding.

I don’t think your ‘rule’ is watertight enough to upset family over.

Invite them all with a plus one. I think asking people what their intentions are with someone else is bizarre and VERY rude.

I actaully don't think it is the photos. More that there will be someone there we don't really want there and will slightly resent the obligation to invite.

He was a very big personality too, a bit of a loose cannon so it will change the dynamic a bit. Due to everyone living across the world, only myself and my DP have met him. No-one else in the family will meet him before the wedding as they're not due to go over to their home country. So he won't know anyone.

Now I write this I feel really unwelcoming and I hate that too. I was wonderful to him in person

This is ridiculous. Asking people to provide an assurance someone is a ‘life partner’. Maybe that’s the intent but they will get married in 3 years, and divorced in 5 years. It’s not like they won’t break up or get divorced in several years time because they made a wanky assurance to you for your wedding!

Why not just invite ALL partners, but just make sure photos are limited to immediate family, no partners?

It's one person - just invite him. He'll only be in a couple of photos, so it's not a big deal.

we have had divorces in our family too, but since were family we all keep in touch. My aunty Janes ex husband Uncle Terry, will always be my uncle Terry and he still is invited to family weddings etc.

I actually got the idea when a COVID wedding needed to downside and gave this request to guests. If you aren't absolutely sure you are each other's life partner, please politely decline the invite (they were over capacity)

I don't think it's rude, it's someone's wedding they don't want to pay hundreds to have my casual boyfriend there.

I would invite them. Either you invite partners of siblings or you don’t. I imagine she’d feel very hurt and that her partner is not part of the family. At what point would you be ok to invite them?

Hang on, how do you know the relationships of the other siblings will last? How do you know yours will??! This is the family you have now and those who are younger will obviously not have long term partners.

Yes of course you should invite him. They will have been together approaching 2 years when the wedding happens, it would be really rude to exclude him. Or they break up and he doesn't come. Either way, you've got the right outcome.

All this judging their age and maturity... being young isn't a crime! You sound very sneery. Even if you aren't doing it to his face, it isn't very nice

I would say it’s fine for you to choose who you want to invite. But you specifically say that you asked your siblings to make the decision about their partners and whether they should be invited. So I think it’s a little unreasonable to say “we’re happy for you all to decide whether your partner is suitably serious to be invited.” And then when SIL decides, say “actually no, we’re overruling that because we don’t think you are capable of making this decision sensibly”.

I think the life partner question is pretty rude, tbh. Just invite him or don’t, up to you, but making it a hoop to jump through is unpleasant and I don’t blame your SIL for objecting. It sounds like the issue is more that you don’t like him anyway.

You are not coming across well OP.

I really wish I said married or engaged partners only but I thought my brother may kick off at that and his girlfriend has come to all family functions for 5 years. it maybe cold but I wouldn't have particularly minded if she didn't come. I would rather that that having to invite SIL partner too.

Really our wedding is already bigger than we intended. We wanted a tiny wedding with our closest people and now we feel obligated to invited all partners

At the time of save the dates SIL said they were casual and not to invite.

why not use actual social markers? Are they married, engaged, or even living together? If not, then no invitation.

and yes, be sensible because there might be some ridiculously long term couple in your social circle that is absolutely as committed as any married couple, but has a good reason for separate houses.

Sil +1..
Stand whoever she brings at the end of any pics and crop him off! We had a no dc wedding. Except the guest who brought 2 dc..
One in a fuschia pink dress. Cropped her out of a few!! Was like Where's Wally among the other guests! Seriously don't risk a fued before she's even your sil..