Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

[pestels]

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

Self centred - so you do appear to have something in common with him after all.

Anyway as this is still very very raw for me I shall stop responding but I think you are being a horrible person about this and to be honest it seems to be only about you and how you feel so the way you are acting your fiance may realise before the wedding himself how selfish, self centred and controlling you are and call it off and I hope his sister points these things out to him too so he can escape your controlling clutches himself.

if we were having a big wedding with a big budget then yes maybe. But the idea behind a small wedding is that our closet people are there.

If I wanted an extra person I would pick a close friend of mine or DP, but I don't want an extra person.

You are being ridiculous, any of the couples coming to your wedding could split in the following 12 months irrespective of how long they have been together.

You say he is someone you don't really know but you think you have a good insight into how he behaves.

What does your partner think about all this? No-one, yourself included can declare they have a life partner. You can hope but you can never be certain. You or your partner may call it off in 6 months time.

You call him your SIL's partner (your thread title) so treat him as if he is.

I think you're projecting because you have gone through a bad situation thats similar and this has triggered you.

@Genuineweddingone

I don't think there is anything wrong with my way of thinking if I were on the receiving end. I wouldnt expect any partner I had in my early 20s to be invited. But I am a very private, quiet person who would assume almost strangers wouldn't be wanted at someone's small wedding.

I accept I think differently to others. And I do thing a wedding is a time where you ae allowed a degree of being selfish. DP actually agrees. He found her DP too much and almost spoke to her raising concerns. The boyfriend is between work and smokes lots of weed whereas SIL is very successful in her role.

DP agrees that we messed up the partner thing, rushing into it, not thinking through what would happen if all people invited their partners.

Family members with a plus one surely, how do you know that apparently solid relationship don't break up next week or the new one doesn't last a lifetime? It's a snapshot of your family.

@letmebetheone yes here's the difference. If you are serious enough to marry and take on that life commitment then you have that belief that you are life partners. Divorce happens, I get that. But being in a casual relationship in your 20s, where you are not ready to make that commitment because the chances you will break up before you even reach that point of life commitment are high, thats a different kettle of fish.

I don't think it's unreasonable to accept the first but say for our intimate once in a life time event, we only want partners to come when you are ready to make that commitment. A lot of people here seem to disagree and think any relationship that is more than a year should warrant an invite.

I understand and accept that I have different outlook to many people here. but I struggle to understand why it's unreasonable when we want a tiny wedding with the minimum number of people possible to reject a man we have met once, who is in a relationship with a family member and they are nowhere near marrying because they're too young. We want the minimum number of people possible, how can others possibly think he makes the cut? I don't think we're unreasonable, but I think lots of people here think I am for that.

You are being a bit mean, is it only for the photos that it bothers you?
We've been married 44 years and due to bereavement, fallings out and people moving we are only in contact with one sil and bil, out of about 50 people. Doesn't stop me looking at the photos and mostly remembering people.

You sound very rigid in your thinking. Just because you believe 22 is too young for a serious long term relationship, doesn't make it so.
You aren't the relationship police.
If you don't want partners there, just say so and have parents / siblings only.

OP, your 'criteria' and judginess of other people's relationships makes it hard to empathise with you. You obviously don't like this man and are in danger of offending your sister-in-law by trying to cover that up by judging her one-year relationship as not important enough, along withjudging her youth as making her too childlike to have an important relationship. Unlike you, of course, who are the perfect example of someone who is mature and who has perfected the perfect important relationship by timing everything just right over the years.

OP, everyone's weddings contain photos of people they perhaps no longer see, or people they've drifted away from, or friends/family they don't much like any more.

I think you should invite him, and if they've split up by the time your wedding comes around, that solves it. If they are still together, would that meet your criteria?

@Minnie798 it is not that she doesnt want partners there it is this specific one persons partner she doesnt want there and shes tying herself in knots to justify it.
22 is not too young, I have friends with their partners since we were 16 which is well over 40 years ago. If your sister in law married this man tomorrow you would still find a way to exclude him. I think you are a very spiteful person but each to their own. If you are happy with your decision and sister in law does not go to your wedding then that is the chance you have taken.

It sounds like the issue is more that you don’t like him anyway

This is it. You're creating test for partners to pass when really this is about one more guest that you simply don't like.

The issue is you don't like him.
They could get married tomorrow but you still wouldn't like him.
So you need to decide if you are inviting him or not and its a not then you'll have to deal with possible fallout.

I think UABU to not invite him because of how long they are together.

But UANBU to just want people you are close to at your wedding, and you are not close to him.

We had 2 serious plus ones at our wedding, one couple got married and later divorced, and the other finally broke up. There was no way to know what relationships would last at the point.

It's unreasonable because you are leaving one partner out. And the reasons you are giving for leaving him out don't make sense. 22 isn't young to have met your life partner and know that you have, being with someone two years isn't a casual relationship, your sister in law said her relationship is serious but you are choosing to disbelieve her while inviting all the other partners. You don't want to invite anyone who might not be in your life permanently, but no one can guarantee that.
Your real reason is because you don't like him and you are making excuses to make it sound better. But it doesn't sound better it sounds worse.
Can't you see that?

It is very intrusive (and also none of your business) to ask whether OHs are 'life partners' . That's something for the couple if they want to discuss and not something for people outside their relationship.

I’d probably invite closer to the time. If still together when invites go out. Not worth falling out with over this.

It’s very mean not to invite him. Anyone can break up at any point a wedding is for a fixed point in time you celebrate who’s in your life at that time. Chances are he’ll stick around and always have a bad feeling about this, as will SIL. She might not invite you to her wedding (if she’s being as mean as you).

It’s pretty obvious that if they break up he won’t still be invited so may as well invite him now

I agree

I think you are just set on not liking this man. You have met him once! Perhaps he was nervous when you met him and came across in a way you dont like
Your sister in law clearly does like him and she is old enough to make that decision without any of this 'you have to be together x amount of time for it to be a real relationship rubbish. I can see you upsetting your sister in law and perhaps other family members as well and then you will be wondering why you feel everyone dislikes you.
Imagine if at some point your sister in law married this man and asks your husband to be best man but refuses to have you at the wedding.

It it very likely you will have a random ex in your wedding photos irrespective of how long they were together at the time of your wedding. My registry office photos feature lots of random exs. Including my brothers partner of 14 years and my ec husband lol. 50% of marriages end in divorce. If you dont want randoms in your photos do some immediate family ones with just your parents and siblings.

I look back at my wedding album and my now ex husband is clearly in the pictures. It is a snap shot of a time in life.

DH’s sister tried to pull this—she tried to put the pressure on. (Very small, intimate wedding.) We replied that we had only invited live-in partners. It was a summer wedding, and he dumped her the week before Christmas, so we were glad that he wasn’t there.

@letmebetheone perhaps he was nervous, perhaps he will be really loud and dominating at my wedding, thats my worry

Thank you everyone I really appreciate your help as I don't have people in my life I can ask for things like this. It seems everyone has quite a different opinion to me and a much more casual approach to their guest list. To me everyone at our wedding is a really big decision and not a 'oh amys got a new boyfriend lets invite him too' kind of thing.

So just one last question then I will leave the thread. I feel stressed and miserable at the cost, size of guest list, and now strangers being invited.

Acknowledging this (I don't think many people have in their response which is why I kept trying to communicate this) Do you think I should put my own feelings aside and still invite him?

I think because no-one has acknowledged this is how I feel I feel the replies are too casual 'just invite him' as if its not a big deal. when I feel there will be a consequence to me for doing that. I will feel rubbish. Inviting him, I will accept from that point that my wedding is not something I am looking forward to anymore.

Or not invite him, and hope SIL understands.

And I do think people like me. There is no-one in the family I think dislikes me.

SIL just asked this evening if her partner can come and I haven't responded so no falling out yet.