Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

[pestels]

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

shes getting married though. If my sibling got married but thought my marriage wasn’t relevant enough for my husband to get an invite I’d say no worries I’m busy that day. It’s really disrespectful, and there’s no point my welcoming their new spouse to the family when they’ve announced with their wedding that my husband isn’t family.

£250 per head for food? I'd change that bit, not upset my sister.

A year together is not a casual relationship- casual means they are not exclusive, and he wouldnt want to attend a small family wedding anyway.

He might be being loud and awkward as he is very nervous, and got drunk for same reasons. He is probably dreading it, but if he doesnt go, everyone will assume its because they arent serious.

Tell yoir dp to tell yoir sil he is not to get pissed and be ' that guest'

Wouldn't bother about the life partner stuff but would still.not invite him..Sounds like real.knob head

Doubt if he will.be around by the time wedding happens anyway.

The wedding is next year? Why stress about it now? Anything can happen. My cousin who had a solid marriage split 3 weeks before my wedding as her husband was seeing someone else. I feel sorry for your brothers girlfriend.

I've got 3 exes in a group photo from my wedding. 1 ex bf, 1 ex gf & an ex dh. Never occured to me not to invite them just for photographic purposes

I totally understand the thoughts you've expressed and the nuances of wanting a small wedding which is already bigger than what you have planned. I can also see how in the ideal of keeping it small you've created boundaries that will work for the gatekeeping (as it were) for invites.

However, (and I say this as a very neuro-spicy person in a very neuro-spicy family where we all have our idiosyncrasies and specific ways that differ despite our same diagnoses), it is very easy to get stuck in a pattern of over thinking and rigidity based on something that was considered a plan x months/years ago, but doesn't quite fit in how life has evolved and changed x months/years later. Transitions and change can be hard to adjust to in a ND brain.

Perhaps looking at this from a different perspective (whilst acknowledging your very valid reasonings and feelings) will help you? A wedding is traditionally a time when families come together to celebrate you, and having a plus one is a real honour in a very small guest setting. What originally started as a casual dating scenario for your sister has clearly become something more, so their relationship has evolved and grown. Whether their (or any others) relationship will actually be a "life long partnership" is out of your hands and theirs. Shit happens, things change, there is no one controlling that and ensuring the definites. That's the beauty and frustration of life.

The wider family haven't had the opportunity to meet SIL's boyfriend due to distance? Perhaps this is a great chance for you all to get to know him better.... on his first meeting with you, he may also have been very nervous, drank too much to calm his nerves and overdid it. It happens a lot. Your SIL will have someone else to talk to and dance with and it may be a great chance to build bridges rather than making them impenetrable.

So, I would say, just invite him, try not to overthink this and recognise that both yes your feelings are valid, and they might be stuck in that loop of rigidity that can happen when things change before we're ready for it.

And if it's the money, ask your SIL to help too (esp as things have been booked and budgeted for)

You’ve no way of knowing who’s got a “life partner” and who hasn’t. You could be divorced yourselves a decade from now, and your SiL and this man could still be together. One of your parents could meet someone else next week and leave the other one before your wedding. The point is that you just don’t know what will happen and you don’t know what’s going on in other people’s relationships, so there’s no point obsessing over it.

I think that if you’re inviting partners and he’s in the picture next year, he probably needs to come.

My sister has just broken up with her partner of 10 years - they've lived together the last 5! He is in my wedding photos and my other sisters, I was annoyed for about 20 second then realised he was a part of our lives and oh well, what can you do?!
I understand they are young and the relation ship is new(ish) but why not wait til nearer the time and/or just maybe make a point of not having him in too many photos? Sounds as though your sister might be the only person their without a partner too? Not an easy choice, I would maybe just wait til nearer the time and see what the script is.
Hope you have a great day when it comes! X

Totally agree with this comment.

Just make sure you have family only photos, surely that solves any issues?

You can’t guarantee anyone staying married, this thread is so weird!

You asked them to self identify the seriousness of the relationship. She has done so. You should invite I think. Feel free to have a word with her saying he needs to respect the small situation and not dominate things.

Absolutely this, what on earth am I reading?!

Well you've over-complicated it massively by expecting each sibling to grade their current partner based on the likelihood of them staying together for life, which is weird and rather controlling if you ask me. It's rather patronising to assume that as she's only 22 her relationship can't be that serious and won't last.

I'd just allow space and budget for each sibling bring a partner if they have one. I certainly wouldn't be giving them the Spanish Inquisition about whether they intend to stay together for life or not. Any of your siblings could get married yet end up divorced one day for all you know, so you'll still have people in the photos that you may never see again.

If they are in an exclusive relationship with someone at the time of the wedding, that would be enough for me. By next year your SIL and her BF will either still be together, in which case he is definitely a proper long term BF, or they won't be, in which case, there is no issue to solve.

What would you do if your single sister met someone and got serious about them between now and the wedding? They weren't on the radar at all when the 'save the dates' were sent out. Does that mean that she'd be banned from bringing a partner even if they were a serious item by then? We are talking about the difference between 19-20 people and 21-22 people, so it's hardly going to be impossible to accommodate that. It's not like trying to plan and pay for a wedding for 150 people, where there is very little flexibility on numbers or budget once you've booked and paid for it. Lighten up.

There are loads of people in my first wedding photos that I will not see ever again. Including the groom. 😂

Some of them are friends and old colleagues I lost touch with, some are people that broke up or got divorced, some are dead. And I don't just mean my grandparents, or old aunties. A couple of friends who were my age at my wedding are dead.

It's always going to happen that some people will no longer be in your life for whatever reason. They were a part of your life (or a big part of your friend or relatives lives) at the time, and that's enough of a reason for them to be there. Life is not static for anyone. Things change, people come in and out of our lives for many different reasons. I understand that if it's a very small wedding you probably don't want general 'plus ones' dished out and end up with complete randomers you haven't even met, but this is her actual boyfriend. Don't be mean.