Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

[pestels]

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

Why? The photos are a record of the day. Literally a snapshot in time. A recent of what was happening. In 20 years who can say who will be with whom. Let her have someone with her.

yeah I get I don't come across great and I understand it.

I am an introvert and wanted to just have parents there. Partner was more open but wanted his brother so that means siblings, and now it's just spiralled into being obligated to invite a stranger

it's all very expensive, very stressful and I think this was the straw that broke the camels back for me that, I actually am just not really looking forward to this wedding anymore.

I can't get over the expense of £250 per person for the food. We are not wealthy at all. I could compromise with siblings and was trying to be respectful by not not inviting their partners but saying only if you're going to marry, in hope some would decline.

We are not close to his family at all. My family is close but we don't really get on, it's all stressful for me.

When I met SIL partner he didn't leave a good impression and I felt uncomfortable around him. He was loud, dominating and just spoke about himself and his life story. So to get to the point where he is invited is just the realisation that this wedding is so not what I want. And now I am going to pay out a fortune for a wedding I am dreading.

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again.

I think you just have to accept that this is something you don't have any control over. Relationships and even marriages break up all the time. Chances are you'll look at your photos in ten or twenty years and there'll be a few people on there who make you go "who was that again?"

In any case you should be focusing on everyone having an enjoyable day together at the time rather than on what your photos will reflect in the future.

I agree with this. No one knows how long a relationship is going to last even if they are married. its also a bit odd to ask if someone is someone elses life partner before inviting them to a wedding.
By the time you get married she will have been with her boyfriend for 2 years I'd call that a long term relationship and if I was her I'd be very upset if he wasn't included in the invitation.

Incidentally I was 19 when I met my husband and we have been married over 40 years just because she's young it doesn't mean he's not her life partner anymore than there is a guarantee that the other siblings' partners will be together forever just because they say they will be now.

So what if someone brings a partner and then they subsequently break up. If others have partners there it’s not unreasonable for her to want hers, she will have a nicer time. I think you’re being a bit OTT about this.

Well given your last post it’s clear that you are trying to sabotage the wedding!! Sit down with your partner and discuss.

maybe registry office with parents and siblings with nothing after

why are you getting married?

All of this is understandable. But by framing it as you have you are asking people to categorise their own relationship in quite an intrusive way, and then ignoring your SIL’s view and substituting your own. It turns something totally reasonable into something unreasonable and very rude. It would have been much better just to invite the people you want and not the people you don’t.

Why are you spending so much on food if you’re trying to keep the cost down? £250 a head is high by any standard.

Demanding people tell you a boyfriend or girlfriend is "a life partner" is really odd. I wonder if the other half even know about that. And going out with someone for about a year is quite a long time. I'd have assumed all siblings have potential partners and work backwards for the ones that don't when finalising your numbers.

@DoubleTea just a stupid reason really. We actually met at a catering job at the venue we have chosen, and on our first date said wouldn't it be funny if we went on to marry there.

So really it was teh only venue we considered for that reason.

I would like to get married there. I would like to go back and say married or engaged partners only. But I know my brother would kick up a huge fuss and even refuse to come, so there is just no winning here.

I really don't want SIL partner to come, and everyone telling me to invite him makes me feel so stressed. To me, him being there is the straw that breaks the camels back with this wedding. It's already too expensive and there are too many people.

My sister is single but looking for a husband. What if she also meets someone and they get serious quickly.

So this is different from your original post.
If you only want a very small wedding just tell your boyfriend you have changed your mind about siblings and you only want parents. That's perfectly reasonable.
What isn't reasonable is to invite all the siblings and then quiz them on their relationships before deciding whether they can bring their partners. Either let them all bring their partners or invite none at all.

Gosh if I went through my wedding invite list there are at least 5 divorces that I can think of that have happened since (we've been married 10 years), one was after 30 years married, another was after 15 years, the rest all 5-10 years married, all "serious" relationships, kids, lives together. I met my husband at 21 and we are still together 22 years later. How exactly do you measure that someone will stay together or not by this logic? Everyone, people who have been married 50 years plus started out dating once. If you are worried put them on the edge of photos and it'll be easier to photoshop them out 🤣.

It is a ridiculous thing to do to measure someone's relationship in this way, either offer siblings a plus one or don't.

Honestly in your shoes I would tell your fiancé how you’re feeling and agree a plan together to limit the wedding to the people you actually want, then explain it to the guests together. It’s absolutely fine to say that you really want it as small as possible, you feel stressed about the idea of there being too many people, and so you’re making it just parents and siblings, no partners at all, but you’d love to see everyone plus partners for drinks (or whatever) on a different day.

if your brother kicks off then he doesn’t have to come 🤷‍♀️

@DoubleTea we've already asked people. Although we haven't officially sent out invites people know if they're coming or not. So it would be too weird to change it all now. I didn't predict the 2 year relationship to be a yes. Stupid of me I know. I just didn't want any drama and excluding my brothers girlfriend would have been drama

DP and I did discuss it when a partner we didn't think would come, is (the two year relationship) and we agreed no more people. This was the max. Then we got that message from SIL.

Why not just elope the two of you.
The wedding is about you both and nobody else.
It is your day and nobody else.
We did this and I have never regretted.

Im sorry but I think you’re being ridiculous. I met my husband just before my 18th birthday, we moved in together two months later, and Im now 68. I knew within the first month that I wanted to downs the rest of my life with him - I wouldn’t have lived with him otherwise. Most of our friends began living together or got married at similar ages, and with two exceptions, are all with their original partners. 22 really isn’t too young to know that you’ve met your life partner and I would be a bit concerned if someone didnt know that they wanted to be with someone for ever after a year.

Really, if you’re dreading it I think it’s fine to explain to people and change the plan. People will understand, and they will know it’s not personal. Just be straightforward about it. Much better than inviting people you don’t want to come and hoping they decline.

I understand wanting a small wedding, we only had 6 guests, a 7th was invited, my BILs new girlfriend but long story she didn't come, and we had no clue if they would last (they did now married with 2 kids) BUT we invited her to make the wedding more enjoyable for him as we married abroad and were asking him to spend time and money to attend our wedding. You mention your guests are around the world. I wouldn't want to travel to a foreign wedding alone.

If you really are now dreading your wedding you need to talk to your fiance about what options would make you both happy. It is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

@FunCrab I want my parents, DP wants his brother. Can invite one brother without inviting all the siblings. And it just escalated. I don't think we could get away with not inviting married partners, but when there are also unmarried partners it just gets complicated.

@Growlybear83 I totally understand, I just don't want someone I don't really know or like at my wedding and I'm getting stressed at the thought. I didn't know DP was the one at 22, I just knew the relationship was going well

I’m organising my own wedding so I get the expense etc - but you are being a total bridezilla

It’s a partner of over a year not a month or two … I don’t think it’s your place to judge the longevity or seriousness of other people’s relationships, & you will cause ill feeling if you do

Just organise the photos so you have some blood family only ones & let your relatives bring their partners!

How much do you and our husband to be want to upset his sister?

One of my brothers got married and invited my husband and myself. By the wedding date we had started divorce proceedings but still both went to the wedding.
I met my now husband and had been living with him for 7 years when my sister got married but we were no engaged. I would have been very upset if my sister had said married or engaged couples only.

Yes. It's not up to you and o make a judgement on how serious the relationship is. At a year in they should get a plus one.

"I can't get over the expense of £250 per person for the food"

Neither can I. What are you having - unicorn steaks?

Anyhow - what date do you need to tell the venue your final numbers? I wouldn't take any decisions just yet, and hold off with sending the official invitations as well. Your nearest and dearest already know when the wedding is, so you can wait until a week or so before the venue deadline. That would be fine.

You’re being a bit of a bridezilla here. A date to a wedding is not there to support the couple; they’re there to support their partner. Invite him assuming they’re still together a couple months before the wedding when you send out the invitations. Don’t include partners in photos.

One of dh’s cousins split from his partner a few weeks before our wedding. He ‘gave’ his +1 to another cousin who had only been dating his girlfriend a few months. We only found out 3 days before the wedding that a random new girlfriend was expecting to attend who we didn’t even know existed. 😂 It was fine. We made space for her.

It’s 15 years later. When I look back at photos, do you know who I wish wasn’t in them? Not random girlfriend. She and cousin have been married 10 years and have 3 dc and she’s super lovely. My then stepdad and my MIL’s longterm at the time partner, wish I could photoshop those bastards out. You cannot base your wedding invites on who you think will stick around because relationships, even decades long ones, can have disastrous endings in the years to come.

I didn't really want a big party where people have to have a plus one in order to feel comfortable. The idea is that we invite as few people as possible and were all so close were comfortable.

I would rather have 3 less than one more.