Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

[pestels]

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

Op, you are getting a hard time here. As a fellow small wedding fan, I really do think it's fine to say you aren't adding anyone in who wasn't on the original list. He missed the cut off. However, as it's your partner's sister, he probably needs the final say. I wouldn't focus on the age thing though, that sounds judgemental. Just the amount of time you've known him.

Two choices.

Cancel and re-start the whole thing, parents and siblings only, explain that you want to keep it really small and personal.

Invite him and make the best of it, I only wanted immediate family (parents, siblings, spouses, there were no unmarried partners at that time) which would have been 12 people. We ended up with 40, not all of whom I would have invited, at least one flakey partner of a friend who we knew wasn’t going to last the course (she didn’t) and friends also who we drifted away from post-wedding. You know what, it was absolutely fine, it was a snapshot of our family and friends as they were at the time, invited with goodwill, we had a lovely day, it matters not a jot that there are a few people in our photos that we never saw again. What matters is that those closest to us were there, even if there were some extras.

What you cannot do is uninvite him while keeping the other partners invited.

And I do think people like me. There is no-one in the family I think dislikes me.
SIL just asked this evening if her partner can come and I haven't responded so no falling out yet.

Your wedding, your call. If the presence of this one man bothers you so much you don't feel like your wedding is going to be enjoyable then do not invite him but if and when SIL stops talking to you and remember this is the family you are marrying into, then you accept that none of them may talk to you going forward.

I still think you are being ridiculously precious and do not for one second believe that you have no animosity towards your future sister in law. It seems to me you are singling her out here but you do you as they say. My family is torn apart now and will never be mended. My son does not see his uncle/godfather and I don't get to know my brothers kids. My brothers bitterness and his controlling wife caused a huge divide and I will never talk to either of them again to find out if they regret their actions but as I said there was more to my situation just not inviting my partner was the last straw.

You’re still not getting it are you? And now you’re asking people again the same questions. You’re asking people who think that your behaviour is exclusionary and unkind but acknowledge that it’s your decision. You don’t actually have the balls to tell SIL the truth which is that you don’t like her partner.
I find that people often leave the thread when they’re not getting the response they wanted.
in short, as I and plenty of others have already said-

• it’s your wedding therefore invite who you want.
• it’s unkind to exclude one partner
• it’s an invite not a summons so SIL may decide not to come or/and be unhappy with your choice even though she attends based on point 1and 2.

Yes weddings are stressful. Yes weddings are expensive. You have less than 20 guests. If 1 more is going to break the budget, maybe you'd be better to elope. Realistically, this is only an issue because you dont like him. You need to decide if you are prepared to alienate your SIL to exclude him. Its not something I would do. Id tolerate him. Its your wedding you should be focused on your partner and your future together.

And he wouldnt be a stranger if you made the effort to meet him a few more times before the wedding - another one of my brother and sister in laws excuses. The fact they DIDNT WANT to meet him despite having every opportunity to do so told me all I really needed to hear which is why I still suspect it is your sil that you have the issue with.

OP, how can you possibly consider your fiancé’s sister to only be in a casual relationship after a year? Even more so when she has said she plans to spend her life with him? If you’re inviting any boy/girlfriends then you should either invite this man or expect thst ykur sister in law to be won’t be coming. You’ve said very little about what your finance thinks - does he want to run the risk of his sister not coming to the wedding?

OP, reply to SiL ‘Why don’t we wait until nearer the time and decide then’. And then try to get to know this guy. He may be much nicer than you think. And if he isn’t, then you can tell SIL in concrete terms why you don’t want him.

I actually think he is becoming the focus for your own fears and doubts about the wedding. If you tell DH’s DB or even your own DB to ‘manage’ him on the day, I am sure they would. He needn’t spoil anything.

But I think underneath you know you have over reached in this sentimental wedding venue choice and you’d be much better off cutting that. £250 pp for dinner is crazy - nice hotel venues near us would cater for much less than that. You haven’t sent out invitations and it’s a year away. I’d have a rethink there and reduce your stress.

People can break up after 10 or 30 years together. Of course you invite him.

I'm not a big fan of +1 invitations for weddings because I am perfectly capable of enjoying a wedding without my DH. And I don't mind when he has been invited without me. We have always known some of the other guests.

I think the issue is that you have set some arbitrary rule and now regret that it is not excluding the person you hoped it would. If your sister met a guy tomorrow that you really liked you would probably be happy to have him at your wedding. Maybe SiL's bf will behave very differently at your wedding than when you first met him. All your stress about "this is not the wedding I want" is being focused on him, so maybe you need to go back to basics.

You or your husband to be will definitely have been invited to things by people who didn't really know you very well. You are excluding one partner and have created a test its harder for him and your SIL to post. It is your wedding but you are also a host. The role of a host is to make guests feel included. Unless this boyfriend is Tommy Robinson or Nigel Farage, you are being pointedly unkind about one out of twenty guests. Well, two because you're going to upset, for no real reason, your SIL as well. Think how many people don't particularly like their in-laws but still have to include them at the wedding. That's being an adult.

Look, either elope so that you don’t have to worry about people behaving in ways you can’t control, or reframe and recognise that people are basically doing a nice thing for you by coming at all. It doesn’t matter how much their dinner is costing you.* They are showing up for you. If you can’t see it like that — and put the emphasis on their comfort and contentment as your guests at a family celebration — there is literally no point, it just becomes you thinking you are purchasing people’s obedience to your weird rules. Which of course is doomed to not work.

*edit: I mean it matters to you of course, but that’s on you because you chose the venue fgs

You interviewed all of your siblings about their future relationship intentions? Who do you think you are? 🤣🤣🤣

i don’t even know how I’d answer that and my husband and I have been together for 26 years. I’m not absolutely sure he’s my ‘life partner’. Its a strange question.

You should have kept it either blood relatives or married couples or living together or something concrete, not a ‘feeling’ and then it would be more obvious what to do.

No i wouldn't invite them. Can always just say numbers are already finalised. But to me as an intimate small wedding i think its incredibly rude of SIL to ask. Shes surrounded by her own family what does she need a plus one for? I absolutely would not be paying £250 for a strangers dinner and in all honesty would rather cancel and elope/rearrange an even smaller wedding than go ahead with something that make me uncomfortable on my own special day.

The wedding is a year away though. That is obviously a lie to say numbers a finalised
. And I don't see how it is rude to expect an invitation when all the other siblings partners have been invited and when the sister in law and her partner meet the OPs own criteria of expecting to be life partners.
£250 a head is ridiculous but that was OPs decision. If another 250 breaks the bank then they are already spending too much.

personally I'd give both women a plus one, and just make sure there's family photos without them in.

edit. I've just seen it's £250 pp. od tell them you've budgeted and simply cannot afford to add them.

exactly. imagine one of your siblings saying we'll actually, we're going through a rough patch so I'm not sure if we'll still be married in 2 years time!

😂😂😂 get into couples therapy quickly and make a decision, there’s a wedding to attend!

I think you need to rethink your rule.
Many of the people in your pics could be dead or divorced in years to come.
You have no way of controlling any of this.
Anyway, what difference does it make?
This seems extremely controlling. Perhaps reflect or talk to someone about this.
Why not concentrate on enjoying your marriage and let go of the reins.
Nothing will spoil your marriage if he’s right for you.

Why can you not be honest and admit this is about the cost and nothing else ?

You sound like hard work OP

If the wedding plans are now making you feel dread then you need to rethink the entire thing. It sounds like your discomfort with the expanding event has focused on this one particular person when perhaps it's just not the right plan in general. Can you talk to DP about the situation without the emotive language and figure out what can be changed to make you excited again?

you will NOT divorce Bianca, I don't care how many of your friends she slept with, she's in my WEDDING PHOTOS!!

I just couldn’t care less about a random ex in a photo. I know it’s the kind of thing that bothers my mil but it pisses me off that anyone cares. My mum doesn’t, that’s who x was with then and that’s our family history. Dh and I had been together for 3 years, having got together in our late teens when he was asked by his mum to uninvite me to dinner out because his 17yo brother was feeling rocky with his gf of 6 months and would be easier for him to not invite her if I wasn’t going. I wish I’d told my then bf that if he hadn’t said 3 years is not the same as 6 months and I won’t uninvite my gf to make my brother feel better, he is being a sufficiently crap bf he should get dumped soon anyway.and helped draw a line in the extensive centering of the ‘real family’ that carried on for years.
invite him, it will be two years really by the time you get married, if he’s still around you’d be an asshole to not have invited him and if he’s gone then so is your problem. This is the win win outcome, not inviting him is lose lose.