Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

[pestels]

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

So they break up and?

All the photos with him in it explode, the op spontaneously vomits when she sees a wedding photo and she and her dh have to stop celebrating their anniversary because it’s so tainted knowing he was at their wedding. Do you even have to ask?

You are of course correct

Don’t invite him. You don’t like him and it’s causing you stress.

You want a small wedding with people who you love and are comfortable with, he doesn’t fit into this category no matter what their relationship status is.

£250. What is the menu ? That’s costly !

to keep the peace and will be over 2yrs invite him

if they break up before happy days. If together he may propose and then engaged - would that make you happy ?

the other sister might meet someone and get serious and wants to bring

brother if after 5yrs and says will marry in 3yrs or so why hasn’t he popped the question ?

and saying life partners is silly. I was married and with my life partner a few years ago. Now im divorced

pics - make sure at end and can crop out if need be or take some just siblings

I completely understand what you are talking about as a fellow introvert! It’s not really about whether SIL will stay with her boyfriend or not, it’s to do with the fact that you want a wedding with your close friends and family and people that you feel relaxed around. And this person makes you feel uneasy and this might ruin your big day. And if they are likely to split up anyway, you don’t want to ruin your carefully planned day for nothing. I would feel the same. I would say you’ve finalised the budget now and unfortunately you just can’t afford to invite any more guests. You have my sympathies and hope you get it sorted!

I think you are worried about hosting a wedding of this scale and price. It sounds like you are overreaching financially and that anxiety is coming out in a focus on this one relatives partner. You broaden it to say you don’t mind if others don’t come. Could you not do something a little less expensive? £250 a head is very expensive unless you are both very very well off.

I'm sorry to say this, but you seem to have developed a rather stringent questionnaire into the suitability of certain people to come to your wedding. I really don't think that it is acceptable. If this SIL is still with her partner next summer, they will have been together for 2 years. He is clearly a significant part of her life and I think it would be inappropriate for her to have to attend the event without him.. Forgive me for this one, but I find your ideology simply preposterous.

I will also say that it is of course your wedding, and it is up to you who you invite.

My daughter is 22 and just got engaged after being with her partner for a year - they are getting married 2028. To be fair she is not immature for her age and he isn't either (24). It may seem quick but they are perfect for each other and incredibly happy. I have no doubts they will have a long happy marriage.
Don't rule it out on age alone

They've been together for a year and she believes she's going to marry him- it's not a casual relationship.

I would invite him

My Mum wanted to invite a couple of friends I had never met to my wedding, so I told her that she could if she was prepared to make a contribution to the cost of hosting them, sit down formal wedding breakfast, corkage on wine and hot evening buffet.

I told her the cost… and suddenly it was no longer important that they attend!

I made a point of saying that I had only invited people who send me a Christmas and Birthday card each year!

This is how I cut out some fairly distant relatives who I only ever see at weddings and funerals, but would have expected an invite.

As DH and I paid for the wedding ourselves, we were happy to set the parameters of who should be invited.

Perhaps you could suggest the same approach?

My Dd has been with her partner since she was 22, they are getting married next year, .nobody is "stable" because of age,

I probably would invite him as her partner if they split up then she comes on her own.

YABU - invite him- he may not actually be around next year - and if he is it'll be a serious relationship. You really can't/shouldnt exclude one person from a small family wedding whether you are partial to them or not. Your parameters are bonkers.

I can’t believe you had the cheek to question any of them on their relationship status!!!

Aren’t you going to say that you sister can bring a guest?? I find this very odd

If you’ve only met him once he’s not a close friend or family so why is he even being considered for a small intimate wedding?

Specify you ONLY want close friends and family - people you actively spend time with and enjoy and that they make the effort to do the same with you - this man is essentially a stranger to you not a close friend or family

So just say to sil no sorry we only want people we are close to and I don’t want to invite any more than we already have as want a simple close intimate wedding with close friends and family and numbers are already too much as it is

Are you serious? Who knows what will happen to anyone's relationship no matter how long or short that is. Sounds like you've been giving your family the Third Degree. If there's absolutely no room for one more, that's a different issue, but to discriminate on the grounds of length of time with partner seems harsh.

Not inviting your sister in law's partner may irreparably damage your relationship with her and she can be expected to be around for a long time.

Your judgement about their relationship might be accurate but isn't something you can act on in this way without her thinking you have no respect for her and her judgement in selecting partners. And why would she want anything to do with you when you think you know better than her that her partner's rubbish and they wont stay together long term?

You can reasonably:

• Delegate somebody to supervise him (a guest, a wedding planner type, someone from the venue)
• At £250 / person, you can reasonably ask the venue staff to keep an eye on how much alcohol is being served so nobody gets too drunk.
• Set the appropriate tone for the event through your decorations and activities. Consider sending all the guests joining instructions to create a sense of calm / order / structure. It needs to be clear this isn't a get-drunk-and-dance event (if it's not - that's the impression I get from your posts) and that it's very small. It's worth him explicitly being told it's a very small, intimate wedding. And also worth saying, especially if it's a more 'alternative' venue that illegal drugs can't be brought onsite and the venue will report drug taking to the police. With all of this info he may decide he doesn't want to come.
• Try to attend / arrange more family events and meet him some more before the wedding in case your first impressions were inaccurate.

God you cannot control whether there is going to be an ex on the photo. Often long term marriages fall apart, you sound now quite immature. The same goes to this judgemental approach about someone's relationship. It is not your place.

Could you suggest to everyone that you feel like you made an error and you want to keep it to biological family only, no partners?

Because ultimately the issue at the moment is that you don't want to invite him because you don't like him very much and because the wedding is small that feels more impactful than if the wedding was big. Bit that's not really something I would much want to say. And there's no way of saying you don't want him alone to come except that either you don't like him or you don't think their relationship will last. So either you have to accept you're doing that and that the consequences of that may be pretty unpleasant, or you have to come up with a roundabout solution.

It’s too late for that! They already set the parameters, they just disagree because they dislike the boyfriend.

So you are guarenteeing that because the others have been together longer they are invited because they will NEVER split up. Seems like flawed logic?