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Original poster

Should we invite SIL's partner after only a year together?

189 replies

pestels · 14/06/2026 16:44

SIL wants an invite for her partner to our wedding.

We are having a tiny wedding of just parents, siblings, siblings kids and if they have a serious partner.

There 19 guests.

There are four siblings who are unmarried.

My brother (27) : long time girlfriend of 5 years
My sister(30) : Single
BIL(30): In a relationship for 2 years
SIL(22): Newly dating

What we didn't want was partners who are likely to break up and we never see them again. So we decided unless they are the life partner we are not inviting. So we asked each of them to make this decision based on our request.

We asked my brother and he said yes his girlfriend is his life partner. They will probably get married in 3 years time. So she's invited. As his BIL's partner for same reason (hes older so the relationship is mature).

SIL had only been dating her partner for 4 months at the time we sent out save the dates, so the answer was no. SIL is also 22 years old so very young.

The wedding is next year and now SIL has been dating him for 1 year and is saying he is the man she's going to marry and want's him to come.

But the relationship to me is just not at the stage that would warrant an invite in my opinion. Partly due to age and maturity.

I met him once and he did feel younger than his age, got drunk and told us his childhood trauma. He admitted to cheating on his ex also.

This is her first love and she has fallen hard for him. She said they wouldn't marry for 5 more years as they're too young. But he is her person.

Now I don't know what to do. Invites haven't been officially sent out yet. Could I justify not inviting him or am I obligated to?

OP posts:
lalalalalala2024 · 14/06/2026 18:45

You have already invited your brothers partner; you can not now retract the invitation. That would be uncalled for and would cause a lot of drama.

Just don’t invite her boyfriend and if she doesn’t end up coming then you haven’t tarnished your relationship with your brother.

Simplelobsterhat · 14/06/2026 18:58

I had a similar size wedding so completely understand it defeats the point of being small if there are people you barely know there. I think your mistake was asking your siblings to judge by seriousness of relationship instead of you deciding who should be there. You could have had a married/ engaged or living together rule, or base it in who you knew best.

However, now it's too late for that, just tell her you've already finalised budget sorry (you could always change your mind when it gets to latest point to pay / finalise numbers of they are still serious then, but you don't need to tell her that's an option now.

I do think any of the partners could end up splitting up and being in photos though, so that's not ab argument. My friend had her sil as a bridesmaid and then they got divorced, so she's in loads of photos.

ChocoChocoLatte · 14/06/2026 19:00

Jesus, imagine being in a position to predict someone else’s relationship outcomes. Would a plus one kill you? If they’re still not together he just doesn’t come - simple.

Aligirlbear · 14/06/2026 19:17

pestels · 14/06/2026 16:52

I am basing this alot on age, maybe that is unfair, but she is very young, so it's hard for me to see this as a serious long term relationship due to her age and maturity. I have dated my partner since we were 19, but still at 22 I wouldn't have said I thought he should get an invite in a similar situation. It was highly probably that we could have broken up in the next few years. I really don't want some random ex in my photos especially one we didn't really gel with

But despite what the others have said their life partners / spouses may not be permanent fixtures in the future. Sadly Life happens and couples split and divorce. You can’t legislate for this and your 22 year old SIL may well stay the course with her current partner. Personally I wouldn’t get hung up on the photos - 20 years on my perfect couple DB and DSIL who were very happily married at my wedding and in all the photos are now divorced.

I would invite her partner. If they are still together at the time of the wedding great , if not your issue is solved. Also how often do you think you will be looking at your wedding album ? Once the novelty wears off most people don’t get them out for years.

PopcornKitten · 14/06/2026 19:26

You are entitled to invite whoever you want to your wedding but you are naive to think that there won’t be people unhappy by the decisions.
IMO, it’s not nice how you appear to be judging and asking people to validate their relationships.
it’s also not nice how this decision only affects one couple negatively. Only one person is excluded from your wedding which coincidentally is the person you least like.

viques · 14/06/2026 19:31

Based on the fact that the wedding is not until next year I think it would be fine to invite him. If he is still around next year then all is fine. If he isn’t around next year then it will still be fine.

(Unless she has replaced him. In which case you politely tell her the new bf isn’t invited.!)

To be honest though, you have only done save the dates, the actual invitations saying plus one or not plus one will not go out for a long time, by which time things will probably have resolved one way ot another,

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 14/06/2026 19:32

My brother and fiancée very kindly invited someone I had just started dating to their wedding , pretty much at the last minute because they could see I was smitten. We’ve been married nearly 30 years now (they’ve been married for 32)

Rozendantz · 14/06/2026 19:35

I don't think it's reasonable to base an invitation on how long they've been dating. I was with DH for less than a month when we got married which I fully appreciate is ridiculous and I'd never recommend that to anyone - thankfully his family still invited me to things...

Edenmum2 · 14/06/2026 19:46

You made your guests tell you if their partners were ‘life partners’ in order to be granted an invite to your wedding?? I can’t imagine thinking quite this highly of myself but ok

GreatOffWhiteFalcon · 14/06/2026 19:53

pestels · 14/06/2026 18:36

I didn't really want a big party where people have to have a plus one in order to feel comfortable. The idea is that we invite as few people as possible and were all so close were comfortable.

I would rather have 3 less than one more.

You have wandered into arranging the kind of wedding you don't want, OP. Cancel and apologiise for the change of plan. Start again with just you and the parents. Think about the venue and choose somewhere else if you'd feel happier with the cost. Then enjoy!

Bristolandlazy · 14/06/2026 19:54

Ask him to bring a camera and take the photos! I think you should let her bring him, she's close family and she feels like she's a grown up. He's important to her, if they're still together then sorted.

AgnesMcDoo · 14/06/2026 19:55

A bit unfair to leave her being the only one without a plus one.

Genuineweddingone · 14/06/2026 20:00

You sound like a petulant toddler who is not getting their own way. You know that your sil won't go if you do not invite her other half so you are causing drama about it to cover that up. I had this with my own brother and sister in laws wedding where they refused to invite my partner of almost 2 years (in our late 40's) knowing that I would not go (other stuff went on but this was the straw that broke the camels back for me) so myself and my son did not attend either and my brother gets to play victim telling all and sundry he did really want me there but I didn't turn up because of a man. I actually had the conversation only the other day with my dad about it all. If my brother had wanted me there he would have asked my partner and the fact their wedding was also small but he not only had my sister and her now husband and HER best friend at his small wedding was a punch to the guts because it was never a numbers issue in the end it was my brother being manipulative and nasty. You sound exactly like him.

Original poster
pestels · 14/06/2026 20:01

she's not the only one without a plus one, I also have a sister who is single.

DP doesn't want to get married without his brother.

OP posts:
BeardySchnauzer · 14/06/2026 20:06

Honestly OP the photos are a red herring

you have one with your parents, your siblings, your parents and siblings. Then same with his side. And then one with your side plus partners, his side plus partners and then everyone. You won’t even look at them anyway!

Genuineweddingone · 14/06/2026 20:06

Shes the only one NOT SINGLE without a plus one. Your sister is single so no drama there. SIL is NOT single.

moonshineandsun · 14/06/2026 20:09

You don’t have to invite anyone but it’s rude not to give a plus one and it’s incredibly odd that you’re deciding what relationships are going to last a lifetime and basing invites on that. If I were her, I’d check with my brother if he wanted to be with someone that controlling for the rest of his life.

PopcornKitten · 14/06/2026 20:09

pestels · 14/06/2026 20:01

she's not the only one without a plus one, I also have a sister who is single.

DP doesn't want to get married without his brother.

She’s the only one in a relationship whose partner is being excluded. My point stands that one person is being excluded.

Original poster
pestels · 14/06/2026 20:14

no SIL will come. I would be really surprised if she didn't.

I am also autistic, I don't really have many friends and am happy being in my own company. I know I misread social cues alot. I also choose not to be around loud characters. I also would be fine going to a wedding DP wasn't invited to. As long as I felt the reason was fair. I do think this reason is fair. I can't help but categorise all relationships in your early 20s to casual. I understand others will disagree with me. I don't think it's unfair to not want a casual relationship partner for your once in a life time event. Why do people need their partners there? I wouldn't so I don't understand.

What point would you expect a parter to come? I just would never expect him to be invited to a tiny wedding. As long as people were consistent and it didn't feel personal.

It's just whether SIL would categorise her relationship as serious and life partner.

This is where the mistake was made. He wasn't on the radar when we had these conversations so didn't consider him, and tbh more partners than we would want are coming. I just wanted a tiny quiet wedding with no drama. I understand people may not like that, but I would rather a partner didn't come and later they got married, than one did and later they broke up.

I have played the situation in my head of him coming and imagined it, and it stresses me out. Partly due to his personality and partly because how did my tiny intimate wedding come to this? It's the realisation that this is so far from what I wanted. DP wanted a wedding of the current size

OP posts:
Imaginingdragonsagain · 14/06/2026 20:14

PopcornKitten · 14/06/2026 20:09

She’s the only one in a relationship whose partner is being excluded. My point stands that one person is being excluded.

Show quote history

Yes agree. Think you’re being a bit ridiculous about it. They’ve been together a year.

Genuineweddingone · 14/06/2026 20:19

I have Audhd and I still cannot understand your logic. I think you have something against your sil full stop. It is not adding huge amounts it is inviting one other person there, your sister in laws partner and possible future husband. It is very shitty that you are leaving her as the only one in a relationship without a plus one but you are right it is your day and once you get your way that clearly is all that matters.

As an aside my brothers wedding was 3 years ago and we have never spoken since. Shit like this breaks entire families.

Original poster
pestels · 14/06/2026 20:22

@Imaginingdragonsagain he wasn't in the picture when we got engaged, and was casual 4 months when we sent out the save the dates, so we didn't consider him. When we spoke to people about what it would take for a partner to be included, SIL excluded him.

I don't have a problem with doing this. I don't want casual relationships at my wedding and it would be rude for me to tell one sibling their relationship is casual and another they're not. I just didn't expect everyone to come back and tell me they're with their life partner for sure. I feel they didn't interpret the criteria the same way I would. I have dated DP for a long time and he wouldn't have met the criteria at 22. We were serious but we knew we were young and there was possibility we could separate.

Yeah I get you think i'm ridiculous because they've been together a year, but we don't want people we don't know and aren't for sure going to be in our life and have only dated for a year coming coming to our wedding.

And yea, really it's been a slow creep. How do you make the cut when you know you don't want someone who is 22 bringing a less than 2 year relationship? Harsh I know, but how do we make that cut?

At this point, if I invite him it will make me feel stressed and miserable.

If I don't invite him SIL could feel that she unfairly had her partner excluded.

OP posts:
Original poster
pestels · 14/06/2026 20:28

@Genuineweddingone no I really like her. I just didn't like her partner.

He was loud, self centred, and a bit of a loose cannon. I don't want that energy at my wedding. I'm worried ti will ruin it. I also don't want to upset anyone which is how I have got to a stage where so many partners are invited.

I don't really know him, and he's a stranger to me. When we are having a tiny wedding with our closest people, he is not one of our closest people.

I don't get the logic that you should be able to have your partner there or a plus one just because.

Noone would care if he came and they broke up 5 months later but I really would

OP posts:
moonshineandsun · 14/06/2026 20:29

The easiest thing is to not have any partners then. I get that for you this is all about what you want…. But for others they actually want to enjoy the day as well as celebrate with you. A few people brought plus ones to my wedding that I hadn’t met - but I invited them to come with a partner because I cared about them and wanted them to have a lovely day, not sitting there out of obligation which it sounds like your SIL will be.

PopcornKitten · 14/06/2026 20:30

Being autistic isn’t a get out clause for shitty behaviour.
you don’t want him to attend. the vast majority of people are going to say it’s your Wedding so do what you want. They are also going to call out your behaviour as mean. This is what is happening in this thread.
you can’t “talk your way” into this behaviour as being acceptable. It’s not but it’s your life so do what you want.