Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

Having decided to come back for the show, it’s really poor that your husband has done this (if he has- from what you’ve said you haven’t spoken to him and this is just an assumption on your part). I’d be pissed off too. Your husband should apologise to your son.

In future I’d suggest just accepting that everyone can’t come to everything.

For now it focus on your son. Don’t make a big thing of the fact his dad won’t be there- reassure him that he can watch it afterwards.

She's obviously being sarcastic.

The plan to fly back was unrealistic. What if flight had been delayed/cancelled it should always have been made clear dad would try to see the show but not guaranteed. It sounds like he has been well supported by family are you confident going alone or is that why its a big deal?

I don’t think anyone is painting you as the villain. Most of the advice you’ve received is that you need to crack on with your day, and support DS during his performance. There is no need to make a huge drama out of a completely predictable state of affairs. It was always highly likely your DH would miss this given the tight turnaround times with the flight etc. It would have been better to temper expectations from the start and tell DS his dad might miss the performance but you will film it and they can watch it together later.
DS has his grandparents around, his mum and siblings. He will be absolutely fine.

As a parent of older children I can tell you with certainty that your DS will not remember this in years to come except if you make a huge fuss about it. There will be other events and performances. It’s fine to feel anger and disappointment in the moment but you do need to let it go and not dwell on it. As my annoying DC would say…it’s just not that deep.

The whole plan was just incredibly unrealistic. I wouldn't get a 9am flight back from a weekend away with friends to see my child's dance recital, especially when his grandparents and other parent have all seen it.

If this is a one off I'd cut him some slack. Yes I'd be annoyed at the waste of flight money, but I probably would've encouraged DH not to do something so silly in the first place. He's on a weekend away with friends he doesn't see very often and he missed last year. Let him have his fun, tell your DS dads flight has been delayed but you can't wait

I'd rather get pissed with old mates than watch a 6 year olds dance show. They are as boring as hell

This!

And he - the daddy - should have takenball that into account and decided to not risk it. And if he took the wisful-thinking-nowt-will-go-wrong view, he shouldn't have got so drunk that he couldn't wake up.

This is entirely on him - unrealistc expectations, irresponsible behaviour, letting his kid down.

Yes he’s a dick.

But I would resist the temptation to shame him by involving the kids. I’d have just kept things light with my DS “oh some bad news, Dad can’t come to the show, but I’m taking his ticket and coming twice!”. My kids would have been fine with that.

I think a lot will depend on how he is when he gets back and whether this is a regular occurrence. I’ve got carried away on a fun night out before but never let my kids down and it’s not often. I think even at my most hammered I would have made the flight (and then mentally vowed never to commit to something so stupid again!).

This. And he never sees his friends. Let him live

manage your expectations with your child and don’t turn dad into the bad guy

I'm with you OP.

On one hand; I don't think your son with be traumatised on a one off, and I do think that you should underplay it so he isn't as upset. Your DHs drinking isn't regular, and he doesn't go out a lot that's fair to say.

But I also think it's absolutely pathetic that a grown adult misses something he committed to (particularly for a child) because of a piss up. I haven't cancelled/no shown / let someone down due to alcohol since I was about 20. It's immature and just kind of grim. You can still have fun and prioritise your social life and still show up for the people in your life.

It’s not the end of the world, and you shouldn’t be implying to your DS that it is so terrible. Yes it’s disappointing for him, but stuff happens and it sounds as if DS had plenty of other doting relatives to admire his performance.

I understand why you feel so annoyed, and upset on your DS's behalf, but it wasn’t unreasonable for your DH to go to the night out and presumably he just got carried away. It can happen.

There are likely to be many occasions during your DC's childhoods when they would like a parent or both parents to be there to watch them at an event or in a performance but it’s just not possible. Working parents have this problem all the time.

Model to your DS how to cope with disappointment, and leave it to your DH to work out what he’s going to say to him.

understandable how you feel but he seems a decent man. I probably would have told son that flight was cancelled to limit hurt and risk of relationship between them being strained.

A promise that should never have been made to begin with, though.

Yes, it's okay for OP to be annoyed but this level of stress and upset is just silly. It's a local dance show for a 6yo, not a west end performance.

DH is the villain here, not you. The point many PPs have missed is not that both parents have to be there, it's that DH said he would be there. Being from the generation that was out clubbing until 4am and on an early shift at 7, I would be up and on that plane no matter how pissed I was. He managed not to be a no-show for his friends' piss-up, but he couldn't show the same commitment to his son. Pathetic.

He's going to feel bad as he knows he's let you and your son down. His loss, not yours. I'd leave him to it and concentrate on your family now.

You've made this a far bigger deal than it needed to be.

I wouldn't have expected him to get an earlier flight tbh.

I'm curious how the OP actually knows what's happened as she says she hasn't spoken to her DH

You're being seen as the villain as you are turning this into too much of a drama.

I hope you didn't tell your 6 year old that daddy had too much beer and missed his flight??

You just explain to your 6 year old that unfortunately daddy wasnt able to make the earlier flight so won't make it to the show, but you'll get the video and then have a special showing at home so he can watching it WITH DS that would make it even more special.

Sounds like it's a 1 off and the early flight after drinking was VERY optimistic.

As this is a genuinely rare occurrence I wouldn't dream of making a big deal out of this.
These things happen.
I would massively play it down to your son so that he isn't unnecessarily would up.

This was such a stupid plan. Latest he could arrive at the airport would be 815am, and when you factor in travel across London to get there, he would have had to get up around 630am, after a huge drinking session. It would have been better to just say from the outset that Daddy couldn't make the show, and he should have booked a later flight. Maybe not ideal, but children also have to learn that not everything is about them!

OPs role is not to protect her DH. But it is partly her responsibility to mitigate her child's potential disappointment. No one is saying OP is the bad guy.

It was an unrealistic plan. There was always a risk he wouldn't make it, flights delayed/cancelled etc. Dad potentially not making it was something that DS should've been prepared for. And apparently hes already got over it, so tbh I think the guilt DH will feel is enough.

I'd be more annoyed that he promised something that was unlikely to happen, missing the dance performance isn't a big deal, your son has had lots of people there watching him. But it would irk me that he promised to do it, in hindsight he should have just missed this one.

Sure, he made a mistake saying he'd catch a 9am flight after a massive night out. The rest is just melodrama.

I don't think you are overreacting I too would be furious with my partner had he done this. But I think its best to just leave it now, personally I wouldn't want to listen to endless apologies which will just serve to make him feel better. If he tried i would just say look its ds you let down make it right with him.
But then I've had years of this kind of thing and I just don't care anymore theres no point getting all stressed about it as he will just come home make a song and dance about being sorry and then the next time will be the same.