Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

You vented on MN, indicating that your husband had missed the all-important flight. He hadn't, Total conjecture on your part.

You say that you were honest saying 'daddy had missed his flight', although this was a total lie! You didn't know this and it transpired that DH was actually on the flight!

So it transpired that you had a lovely day, but what isn't so lovely is the time and effort that MumsNetters put in whilst supporting you.

I think that it would be a good idea for you to assemble things in the future, and not always jump to conclusions.

You ask if 'lying was better', as regards you telling DS that DH had missed the flight. This was total fabrication on your part. He hadn't. It was a lie.

You did lie to your child, because you made an assumption - a very wrong assumption and upset him for no reason. Hope you've apologised to your son and husband. I'm not a fan of people defending fathers when they are clearly awful, but he did what he said he would do, even without his phone, and was there when he was supposed to be there - and called you as soon as he could.

Don't listen to posters who may themselves think your husband's parenting on this occasion is acceptable. Some people are not great parents and think that behaviour like that is ok....oh and somehow your fault 🙄

An assumption.....that someone would be on a flight they had booked....an adult at that. How, how is that an assumption? I despair....

No... read again... the assumption she made was that he WASN'T on the flight he had booked. And that as an adult he HADN'T made the flight he had booked. But he had - he made the flight and turned up when he said he would. Hence why I said she should apologise to him and her son. What are you not getting here?

So you made an assumption that your DH was drunk and lounging around in London when actually he was on his flight and made the effort, but lost his phone. That's a huge issue to assume the worst about someone without knowing what is happening. I hope you said sorry to DH for posting his non-existent not bothering all over MN. And wasting our time, too.
And you might bear in mind that a phone is no certain guide to where someone is, only where it is. Why have you got tabs on your DH by the way?

The lovely Mumsnetters who told me it’s not worth getting upset over, I’ve let my son down and it’s my own fault for controlling my husband?

He has done this exact thing before, missed the flight and had to buy a new one. This was when the kids were younger and there was no pressure of a performance though.

I will hold my hands up and say I was wrong, do you never make a bloody error? How on earth was I to assume he’d left a bag and his phone on a bus that his mate picked up and took home with him? Could you fault me for having little faith in my (otherwise lovely) DH? Sure. But I didn’t jump to that conclusion out of nowhere and I was worried it would happen. To then see him not at the airport this morning and not hear from him or have any way to know where he is or what’s happened yeah I jumped to conclusions. I also came back and updated honestly and admit we’ll handle it differently next time. DS also knows DH didn’t miss his flight and I got it wrong.

So what’s my crime here?

I'd handle it by telling him he's a Dad, not a bloody teenager.

WHY do so many men act like absolute twats when with friends?

Fuck him.

Do not clean up his mess for him and do not cover up for him with others.

Let him see his son's tears and feel like shit about it.

*Edit - I have had my hand slapped by Mumsnet Police!

Apparently it's illegal here to skim updates and miss the juice because you have like 2 minutes to run through Trending between family shenanigans.

I'll wait for the next thread about men being twats when out with mates to continue my rant.

It won't be long.

Read the thread - he made the flight, he was there for the performance. Why do people not bother catching up on updates - even if you only read the OP's updates - before you pile on?

Probably because some people are going insane and telling the o.p to leave him and implying that the child will be glad when the husband dies and therefore they are over correcting.

Maybe because they have like a 10 minute break and they can't be arsed reading the whole feckin thing?

Thanks for being the Mumsnet Police tho, hun.

Ignore this 'high horse' live n learn....you've got every right to be pissed off....dont let women like this nvalidate youre feelings and say you set yourself up honey....bloody men and their drinking! They get carried away and all responsibilities go flying. My parents were always late for my performances....im 48 now and I can remember being let down.

We have location for each other, I can’t remember where we were when it got turned on but it’s useful and I can’t remember the last time I looked at it.

Not a drip feed, as I said before he has form for being an idiot when drunk. So yeah when I saw his location this morning at his mates house and I couldn’t reach him or his mate, yeah I assumed the worst. Sue me! He has done similar before and I hold my hands up I jumps to the worst conclusion. Could I have not posted the thread? Yeah sure. Do you personally go round telling people that on each thread? Because situations develop and change. I had no way of knowing that what happened was the story, so yes I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I did apologise, and everything is fine.

I can see this happening. It’s a shame he missed the dance recital but if his friends only
do this once a year then that’s important too.

he will feel bad - as someone else has said he is an adult. Things happen - unless things a pattern I would let it go

How is pointing out that you're ranting on incorrectly when the situation has already been resolved much further upthread being 'the Mumsnet Police'? Most people would say: "Whoops my bad." Not you though, eh, hun?

He didn't miss it.

So in actual fact… despite the high drama, fuming, anger, distraught tears in the OP, transpires the OP was just annoyed and her child was briefly upset and then cracked on with having a lovely day.

Christ, we support them by turning up to these things. But no-one wants to actually WATCH a dance recital, let alone twice!

And this is why people are trying to convey it isn't a big deal, because of huge over reactions like this

This sounds a bit mental. Your little boy has been hyped up way beyond reasonable expectations for a kids’ dance show. His mum and all his grandparents were already planning to go, so why did dad even need to cut short a once a year solo weekend?
I think the big mistake was your DH changing his flight and promising to be there.
Realistically, with 3 kids, you will not have all parents and grandparents there for every event for every child. It’s a shame your boy has ended up upset, but I hope the show goes well for him today. Relax and enjoy it and next time maybe his dad will learn to not make promises he can’t keep.

Jesus christ people can't just not call men arsed can they?

The o.p made up her story to get indignant with really

This update is wild OP 🤣 I’m glad he made it!!

I’m gonna quote something to you i was told during my drivers awareness course haha - never assume anything, you’ll make an ass out of you and me (works if you say it out loud!) - I agree on the contingency plans in future and I’m kind of amazed none of the mates text you to let you know they had his phone?? If he has form for nights out with these guys get their numbers!!

100% - just waiting for the ducks in a row line now...

And in actual fact - her husband did make his flight and the performance. Despite the thread title, which I note has not been altered, which is usually what people do when they make a mistake.