Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

He’s not Scottish, and that’s not what the night out was for, it’s in London.

Also for those unable to take in nuance, I was not serious when I said I never let him out! He sees friends where we live, is in the running club, I am not controlling I just expect his word to mean something if he says he’ll be there.

And to those who said it’s ridiculous all the family for one show, I know! My IL’s live closer to their other grandchildren and can go to their events so are very fair in making sure they reciprocate with us.

I think he was heavily persuaded to change the flight based on the OPs attitude.

Could you be any more patronising? Might not be a "west end perfornance" but letting a child down to go and get pissed is bang out of order.

I suspect this is true as well.

If serious then I'd say seeing his friends should've been the priority as no doubt he'll have done loads of family things in the two years previous. No way I'd have anybody tell me I could only have a drink with my mates five times per decade.

Honestly I think when the kids are little and you kind of unintentionally stop doing things for yourself and put so much pressure on being there for everything and you kind of lose sight of what is a big deal and what isn't. Mine are teenagers now and I think I wish we hadn't put so much pressure for us to both be at everything.
Let him enjoy himself and dont make him feel guilty. He is a person as well as a dad. Your son really won't remember this and to be honest probably won't be still attending this club in 2 years time.

Honestly, it’s a 6 year olds dance show, not a performance at the olympics.

I have 3 children and there are loads of these type of things to attend and as long as one of us goes then that’s enough. He also had grandparents etc there. If both parents can go it’s a bonus but with 3 children and loads of these sorts of things on if we prioritised both of us going to them all we both never have any free weekends.

i missed a parents evening recently because it clashed with theatre tickets I had booked months ago , my husband went and that was fine.

You should just have been honest with your son from that start that daddy had other plans that were booked in advance and how exciting that mummy and grandparents were coming along to see him.

Where have I been patronising?

It's not getting pissed. Its spending time with his friends and living his life which he is entitled too as well.

@OrangeSlices998 I have no idea why so many posters are rushing to defend your DH's actions or make you the villan - utterly bonkers !!

So she should nake excuses, as well as taking the blame for expecting daddy to keep his promises?

It's done now but I would expect him to make it up to the son and apologise to you, and mean it. And not get all defensive.

Sounds like your husband needed to let off some steam. That's healthy.

Letting off steam is healthy. Letting off steam and getting drunk out of your skull so that you are still in a stupor 12 hours later is not healthy in the least.

People aren't making her the villain, they're saying the whole situation isn't a big deal and there's no need to create a drama out of it.

Tbh at age 6 they are pretty crap at dance anyway and he's probably only even on stage for a few min. I actually think it was unrealistic to ever raise your sons hopes that his dad would be there, it sounds like hes had plenty of people come watch him to support him its not like nobody showed. He'd have been less disappointed if from the off you'd just said, daddys away that weekend but mummy and grandparents will all be there, we can't wait!

Over the years you will absolutely find you cant manage to both go to every single show etc.

It's absolutely not an over reaction. He's put a piss up with mates ahead of his 6 year old's performance.

What a selfish arse.

He could have spent time with his friends and lived his life without getting so pissed that he missed his flight.

@OrangeSlices998 I understand your disappointment on behalf of your ds but let me reassure you as a gm that this will be one of many dc performances in one or other hobby.

Keep it light, support ds and your dh will be more likely to get his act together next time.

I don’t think you’re a villain here OP and I’d be fucked off too if this was us, but at the same time I wouldn’t give him too much of a hard time - it doesn’t sound like he’s a problem drinker missing family events constantly, it’s a one off with old friends he hasn’t seen for ages. I’m sure his own hangxiety and guilt will finish him off all on its own!!

Enjoy the performance with your son!

It is, isn't it. No ifs or buts. OP is quite right to be furious that this has now been made her problem to manage.

Threads like this often demonstrate how low the bar is on expectations of men's behaviour. Men very often live to impress other men, so in an environment of friends and booze, it's out of sight, out of mind for family and obligations.

I don't know why the OP is getting a hard time here, the reactions would be very different if she was the one in a drunken stupor and missed a flight. Glad you are focusing on your son and that he has cheered up. Here's hoping your 'D'H has a stonking hangover that lasts for days.

Your son burst into tears because you have made this a calamity. It’s not, your husband will miss the concert and he will feel sad and guilty about it, but, over the years you will likely also miss and forget some events, because no parent is perfect. If he’s generally a good husband I’d cut him some slack.

You are establishing the emotional tone here, model emotional maturity to your son.

But it was dad who said he'd be back. So it was up to him to control his drinking enough to make sure he kept his word.

I wouldn't have booked the early flight as a mum. No point setting myself up to fail.