Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

DH’s plan to fly back that early was silly & you’ve over reacted.

6 year old had numerous family members attending the performance.

I agree too. Not a good look.

Do you think every child will have 2 parents there? Loads of kids live in single parent families or just live busy lives. What happens when all 3 of your kids have events on the same day in the future? You're setting your kids up for more upset in the future by claiming 'it's a bare minimum' to attend every event. It's just not real life.

JFC! You do realise that when OP said:

'Yes he’s only allowed out once every two years. I don’t allow him nights out with friends where we live'

she was being sarcastic? I despair at the lengths some posters will go to make the OP the bad guy.

Your DH is allowed to prioritise his social life over his son's occasionally (as are you OP).

You can use this as an opportunity to manage your sons expectations for the future and emphasize that you both won't always be there, but he is loved anyway.

I will be missing DD8 sports day again this year as they changed the date last minute (not due to weather😡) and I'd already turned down work on there original date and taken work on the new date. I was upset/annoyed, DD was upset, so i video called exH so DD could check he'd be able to make it, which i knew he would but DD needed reassurance, and she soon got over it. That's life.

I am sorry for your children, and for you, it's must be devastating for the family (no irony at all, it's very sad)

I am not sure how it's relevant here, when it's a one weekend off in 2 years?

He will feel shit in more ways than one when he wakes up and realises. It’s his own stupid fault. He should have either not gone - or more sensibly, not promised to be back for it. Dh and I don’t always both go to the dc’s things. It’s fine to have a weekend away. He should have either planned better or not even attempted to get back.

Don’t make a big deal of it. Daddy’s plane couldn’t get back on time. I’m sorry, he really wishes he could be here, but we’re going to have a fab day and let’s go for cake after. Your Dh can make it up to him when he gets back and plan a special trip out with all of them (solo!) next weekend.

God, the woman- nlaming hete!

The OP deliberately forced her DH to go visit London on the weekend their DS was performing, did she?

Or did she wait until DH set the date, then ask the dance dchool to schedulr the performance for that weekend?

It seems to me that all shd did was encourage her son to believe that his dad would prioritise him and keep his prcomise. What. A. Bitch.

Except most parents don't both go to every single show and parents evening and party, whether because they are working, or ill, or need to look after siblings, or have other commitments.

He's 6 and it's a local dance show, he isn't appearing on the west end. There will be loads of other events through his childhood. Missing one isn't the end of the world. Your 6 y/o probably 'burst into tears' because you've built it up into a big thing - if you'd just said from the start 'daddy will try try to make it but might not be able to but will watch the video when he gets home,' he wouldn't have expected it, and it would have been a nice surprise had his dad got back in time.

He's had lots of other family members watch, some kids might not have anyone there for them. You need to start managing expectations for him - kids who do get into professional sport or creative industries often have matches/tests/shows almost every single week, it's impossible for all family members to attend all of them, particularly if you have more than one child.

Adults are allowed to have lives beyond their children, it's okay for them not to be your priority 100% of the time.

tbh I would have advised not getting an early flight in the first place. If you only get to see your friends very occasionally and were planning a night out then less than 24hrs to fly scotland to london is a bit silly anyway. He should have just been allowed to enjoy one night of being dad. And yes I would absolutely say the same if it were you, possibly even more so.

When he's 18yo he won't care who was at his 6yo dance show. My dc have all done lots of shows and sometimes we haven't both been. Often I've been chaperoning so I haven't seen them totally either!

You don't know that he's passed out blotto anyway, there could be an emergency, could be something else he can't do anything about. All you know is he's not getting the messages. Dh smashed his phone falling on wet ground a couple of years ago, it was bent like a banana, but the phone dutifully buzzed every time it received a message but he couldn't get into his phone to read the messages!

Managing expectations for children is a good thing. In advance you should have said that daddy would be there "if his plane was fine" and when you told him it should have been in a "oh well, these things happen, daddy will watch the video. What would you like to do now?" breezy type way.

Edited to add: It becomes less of a big thing everyone watching for subsequent children too. So first dance show when #1 was 2 had grandparents, us, friends, godparents... all came to watch. We made sure someone was at every show, just because. With #3 we were less enthusiastic and we did watch one show...

He had a parent, you and he also had grandparents there.

Thing is, as a once a year visit you should have just let him go and enjoy it, especially as he missed last year. Your children will have tonnes of these things. You all still need to live a life as well

I do think you are overreacting. I think as long as one parent is there it is fine. Both don't have to be at every performance, stuff happens. Even if it was you that missed it and OH was there. As long as he makes it to the other ones it won't become a "thing" for your son.

Neither of you should have made this arrangement. And your DH shouldn't have promised to make it back.

I wonder how much pressure he was under to agree to come back, as if this was us, we would have both agreed to write off the performance this one time. He sees his friends once a year for a boozy day, which he missed last year, there is no way I would expect him to cut it short to get back for something like this, especially when he has seen a previous one, this one will be filmed, and all the rest of the family showed up to see him this year.

Unless he makes a habit of letting the kids down, you are massively overreacting to this IMO.

Well he’s an arsehole. Make sure you tell everyone why he missed it - because he would rather get pissed than see his son.

Can't believe these responses.

Youre not unreasonable in the slightest. He has fucked up majorly.

I would lose a lot of respect for him. It's not your mess to fix, just tell him how upset his son was because he prioritised booze and leave it at that. If he's a decent father he will be mortified and make amends.

If the guy never normally goes out much and it's a once a year get together with his mates, then I think that I'd have made up a really good excuse to my son to save his feelings.
Sounds like loads of people made a huge effort to watch the kids dance show. I don't think it needs to be a big deal that one parent couldn't come.

Yeah I think it was very silly for him to try get back for the performance, it was bound to fail and I would be annoyed at him for that. However I would have told him to make the most of his trip and not try to get back. Are you sure he has slept in or could he have rushed for his flight and accidentally left his phone?

I’m presuming this isn’t true. If it is it’s very controlling and no wonder he makes the most of it.

I think you'll only make your husband feel defensive if you make this into a big deal - I agree I don't think he should have had to make an early flight to make it for a kids dance show when other family are attending. I might have understood the reaction if he was appearing in some professional once-in-a-lifetime thing or it was a GCSE or A-level performance, but this is not worth fury and recriminations on account of the performance. I'd be more annoyed about the cost of a replacement flight. And if it was a mum missing it I'd feel the same - the child still has people coming to see and support him.

Maybe a word about his difficulty managing his drinking on these sorts of outings, but, as others have said, he is an adult, let him feel that himself.

Wow OP, you're getting a hard time. I'm with you though. The thing is that your husband has let your son down. It doesn't matter if he shouldn't have planned to leave so early, or if it's over the top to have so much family there, etc etc he made a commitment to your son and now he's blown it. And you're the one left to deal with the consequences of a disappointed kid. And I suspect that if your husband goes absolutely over the top every time he goes drinking (even if it's only every now and then) this is not the first time. It's very annoying being the person who can see exactly how things will unfold, being told you're unreasonable, and then being left to pick up the pieces when it works out exactly as you've predicted.
I think you just have to let your husband deal with the consequences and not smooth the path for him. Comfort your son if he's disappointed but you don't have to fix the situation. Kids very often shine a light for parents on things they need to do differently (for all of us) so this may be a moment like that.

I think you know the answer to your first question. You’d be being urged to have treatment for your alcohol addiction and social services would probably have been mentioned.

He still broke a promise to his child, has csused stress for his wife and will have to pay for another last minute flight which will probably cost a fortune. He's irresponsible and selfish and OP is within her rights to be upset/peed off

Sounds like you made into a bigger deal than needed for your son. That being said passed out somewhere isn’t great behaviour for your dh.

💯