Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

Leave him to it and concentrate on your son.

Shame he couldn’t prioritise his own child over booze 🥃

Stop calling and texting him, there’s no point. Wait until he comes home and then keep the message simple - “you let down DS”. Hopefully he apologises to DS. Can someone film it (not you, you need to actually watch).

I mean a flight jetting off at 9am was always a bit optimistic after a night on the piss so he should have took it easy surely.

Last year the dance school filmed it professionally which we bought so I’ll go early today and ask if they’re doing that again as I’d like a copy anyway so I can focus on the show!

Support your son, stop making this about how his dad isnt ther and being so mad and angry, put that to bed, and from now the day is about your son.

Dont berate your husband when he does finally surface, you're not his mother, dont turn the relationship into parent/child, let him sit with the consequences, hes an adult.

I did say this to him but he was adamant he would be fine and wouldn’t miss the flight. Yet here we are

I mean, if hes a decent husband otherwise, i'd let this one go

He'd be feeling more guilty than anything, but it sounds like he just needed a night out

Far be it for me to defend a man, but yabu - as long as it stays a one in a while thing

Honestly, I think this is all a bit of an overreaction.

He can watch it on video. Your 6yo won't be scarred because daddy didn't make it back in time.

just concentrate on your ds for now

If this was a one-off and he is incredibly sorry to your son and makes it up to him in some way, I would move past it.

On the other hand, a different story if he is a problem drinker, generally.

I think he'll feel worse if you are sad and disappointed rather than angry. If you go on the attack he might get defensive, whereas if you give him the space to reflect, he'll feel awful.

Just tell him that DS was amazing and he was very upset.

I wonder if the reaction would be the same if it was me that missed the performance because I was drunk and sleeping it off? DS knows who was there last night, he’s 6 not oblivious, it’s the bare minimum to show up as a parent for these things!

He rarely drinks, not even a beer of an evening typically so when he does go out he typically can’t control himself and drinks to excess and makes stupid decisions. The stories I could tell!

It’s something he does once a year as he’s moved miles from his friends. I would give him a break.

Both of us can’t always make it to every parent invited activity our kids do and that’s fine (for us)- I know on mumsnet this is akin to a crime but it’s not amongst any families I know in real life.

I do think he’s been daft to plan as though he was ever going to make it, as that just wasn’t realistic. He would have been better telling your son from the off that he wouldn’t make it.

I would leave him to it now. Let him sort out the hurt he has caused your son, focus on who is there to watch.

in hindsight I probably wouldn’t have told your son until he asked/ after the show but that is done now.

No don't do the work for him

let him.

Honestly, yes. If you were away with friends and his dad and grandparents were attending I'd say it was absolutely fine for you to miss it.

It seems like a huge deal now but honestly in the grand scheme of things it's really not something to make a big thing out of.

Mine is a bit like this. I threatened him that I wouldn't put up with it anymore as it is deeply unattractive behaviour, no matter how rare.

It should have just been agreed that dad would go to the performance if he got back in time, but if not, mum will tell him all about it and you’ll record it for him.

You set this up to disappoint your DS, unfortunately.

No point having a go at your DH. He’ll feel shitty enough already, but hopefully this is a ‘live and learn’ moment for both of you.

Tell him you'll discuss it when he gets back then ignore him and focus on your son.

So he has one night out with his friends once every two years?

Yes he’s only allowed out once every two years. I don’t allow him nights out with friends where we live 🙄

DH told DS he would see it on the Sunday, I haven’t let anyone down!

You have obviously set up your son to make a massive deal out of this and not handle what was, let's face it, quite a predictable situation proportionally. Yes it's disappointing but you were there and you could video it.
Sounds like your husband needed to let off some steam. That's healthy. Cut the guy some slack. Teach your son that life isn't always perfect. By and large his dad is usually there but adults are fallible too and this time he messed up. Doesn't mean your son isn't usually the priority.

Or you can crucify him and guilt trip him within an inch of his life.

I wouldn’t say I’d be there and then be so drunk I missed my flight and missed the performance