Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

I meant ‘you’ as in ‘his parents’.
Anything could have happened; flight delayed or cancelled, flight missed (as has happened) etc. Your DS should have been told he’d be there ‘if he could’ so that his expectations were managed.

I'm with you OP, I'd be incredibly disappointed in my husband. These things can be huge for little ones and he'd committed to being there for your DS so has let him down, as well as you as he made a promise to both of you to be back so I don't think you're wrong for feeling angry or upset at all. Hopefully he wakes up genuinely remorseful and makes a big effort to make it up to DS when he's back. I hope you enjoy the show in the meantime.

I’m with you OP. It doesn’t matter how often it happens, he’s let your DS down by promising him something and made the decision to drink so much he didn’t prioritise his feelings.

Genuinely didn’t expect that somehow I am villain here!

DH told DS he’d be back for the Sunday, not me! Don’t let your kids down, he might not do the class again (kids love changing their hobbies and their minds!) so it’s not a given there’ll be another showcase. Parents aren’t allowed to film so I hope they are doing it professionally.

He has friends up here, I don’t keep him chained up! Life is busy with 3 kids, I’d also like to blow off some steam but I also keep my word to see the kids in stuff they’re proud of. I take the advice on board and won’t berate him, GP’s have taken DS for a walk as he’s excited and has too much energy and when he’s back we’ll get ready to head off.

This is one of those situations where it really depends what he’s like the rest of the time. If this is a one off (or rare) mistake, and he feels genuinely remorseful, then I don’t think it needs to be anything huge, it’s one performance. We all make mistakes, he had the intention of being there and designed the flights that way and got carried away.

If this is just another thing in a line of things that exhibit behaviour like that, then I would be cross and be thinking about how you all move forward and if he will change his behaviour.

He hasn't seen his friends in two years. He doesn't normally miss things. It's a one-off. He'll probably feel shit enough about it on his own when he surfaces. Leave it at that.

I think you are massively reacting.

It's an annual catch up with friends - once a year - not every weekend.

Also ir's a 6 year old's performance - not his birth or his wedding. There will be many more and it's on video.

Your son's reaction will be led by yours.

But anything could have happened to cause your DH to miss the performance - his flight could have been cancelled, or delayed, or their could have been an accident on the way to/from the airport.

This has all been built up into a huge "thing" in your 6yo's head by both you and your DH when it shouldn't have been. You should both have just said "daddy is away and will watch it on video when he gets back".

What a useless waste of space. Id be furious.

Whose house is he at? Sorry but it's pathetic he's a grown man a father this behaviour isn't acceptable. We decide to have children they should come first I'm sure he has had plenty of years of partying with his friends before becoming a parent so no I don't think he has a right to go to this every year if there is a family event that is more important unfortunately he deemed his friends to be more important than his family he sounds like a spoilt brat

is he a Scotland footy fan? If so, first world cup since 1998. Give him a break…..if not, LTB

It wouldn't even have occurred to me to fly back early from a weekend with friends for a kiddy dance performance. It was unrealistic and he shouldn't have said he was going to in the first place. Oh what a shame, that's the weekend Daddy's away - we can tell him all about it when gets back. And then that would have been the end of it. And yes, I'd say the same if it was me away for the weekend. Daddy would have gone to the dance performance and Mummy would have watched the video afterwards.

F

Agree with this. There are a LOT of years of child hobby performances ahead of you all! Don’t make it such a big deal.

I wouldn;t have told DS. I mean, in reality, I might, as I'd have been so angry that it would be hard to hide. But I wouldn;t make a big deal of it, as that will impact very deeply on DS - on feleing distressed for the performance or feeling unworthy of his dad's attention.

I'd try to rapidly downscale the drama for DS's sake. Say that unfortunately daddy couldn't get on the flight. But you will be there and daddy would love a solo show at home when he gets back. Then make space in the living room and make sure your DH pays close attention.

Honestly, that;s the sort of thing I'd say: if this happens again, you have a problem wiht alcohol. Lads' nights out are one thing but prioritising them over something that matters to your child, and which impacts how he thinks you value him - that is a real problem that you have to address. He has to decide what his no 1 priority in life is going to be, above all things. Is it his own pleasure and freedom? Is it his children? His marriage? His career? For me, it was always my children, which made every choice easy.

You are massively overreacting. To be fair, I wouldn't have expected him to try to make it back. How much of your son's upset is coming from you?

This set up had a high chance of him missing it anyway and it seems rather foolhardy to have expected it to work. It would have been better and less stressful to have agreed from the outset that DH would miss this one. It's a kids dance show, not his graduation. OP, you have three kids and there will be many years of shows and sports matches and sometimes they will clash as well. I really wouldn't make a big deal out of who is attending - one parent is fine.

Considering he’s playing with his grandparents and I’m ranting on Mumsnet before I stop being annoyed and focus on his show, none! He’s recovered very well and is excited to do the performance (he loves the song)

Good. Now move on.

Are you going to leave him or are you making this a big deal only to forgive him?

I'd be so much more annoyed about the extra cost of getting another flight back booked on the day and how much that will cost.

It was never realistic to do an all nighter and get the 9.15 flight, unless he was planning on going straight to the airport after the night out.

So he was an idiot.

Would have been more sensible to just admit he wouldn't be back and book a flight accordingly

Yeah I’d be really annoyed if DH did this. Presumably the money for the flight is wasted. Plus the general stress.

But to be honest we wouldn’t make those arrangements. It’s a 6 year olds dance show. Grandparents went and you went. Your child has lots of people supporting him. DH just wouldn’t go in these circumstances and we’d explain that to our child.

Good. Let it go and enjoy the show!

If he’s generally a decent person I wouldn’t care. Your son had two caring adults there so don’t get the drama it’s not like he’s little orphan Annie. We had years of dance shows though so may be a little jaded!

I would never have agreed for either of us to make it in the situation you describe.

The only thing he did wrong was believing he would make a 9am flight.

It is ok to miss some things , he was there with the newborn last year. There will be plenty more shows.