Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

Sometimes things clash, it was unrealistic for him to change his planned weekend to attend the dance show - a 5/10 minute performance at best. I’d let it go tbh.

I am usually very critical of men who go out drinking and disappear like that (having been at the receiving end) BUT in this case the whole plan to get back in time was unrealistic.

A performance was a big deal to your six year old but the no need for the whole family to be there! And your DS would not have been upset if you had managed his expectations.

I can understand your anger - seeing your child upset is always heartbreaking. I also agree that it should be an absolute priority not to let our children down.

All that being said, I don’t think it’s up to you to ‘tell him off’ - he has his own relationship with his children and it’s his responsibility to nurture that relationship.

i am sure you will be upset with him because you’ve seen your child upset but I don’t think it’s your place to reprimand him as such.

I hope the performance goes well for your DS

Sorry I’m with you. I’d be pissed. My ex used to do this sort of thing all the time so I get it

I agree with this. Both parents cannot be at absolutely everything. It’s best to manage expectations with your child. Say “Hope to be back but it might not be possible”. As pointed out already, your child’s reaction will be governed by your reaction. Sounds as if a few family members will be there anyway. Sounds like there might be a video so he can watch and rave about it.

It sounds like a lot for a little kids dance performance; DH planning his weekend away around a stupid early flight and both sets of grandparents attending. It was always unrealistic for him to make that flight given it was a rare boozy night out at the other end of the country and he was daft to not have just acknowledged from the get go he would need to miss it. No one can attend everything. I’d just tell DS sorry Daddy’s plane was late but Mummy is so excited and will video it for him. Save your annoyance for when you find out how much a new flight will cost!!

I think the responses would be even more sympathetic if you did it to be honest. You have one night a year where you get to catch up with your friends and you couldn’t even make it last year. You can’t always make every performance/sports day etc. It’s not a moral failing, one parent and another family member are there anyway.

Personally I’d just say that the flight was delayed (my husband would do the same if I missed a flight due to an annual meeting with my friends). But, I don’t think either of us would have committed to the performance in the first place if it included a 0900 flight!!

This is the kind of thoughtless shit my ‘D’H would do. I think the problem was ever intending to go to the performance in the first place as perhaps it’s a bit ambitious to expect a man to be able to make a 9am flight after a night out 🫠 I think you’re unnecessarily getting a hard time here and in all honesty I think a mother being passed out drunk and missing her child’s performance would raise A LOT of eyebrows …

YABU

Most of us (MUMS!) would just have said we'd miss the show anyway.
You are completely over-reacting and you really should have played it down for your son.

Your DH has one weekend in 2 years, he messed up, but a "you let your child down" and roll your eyes would be more than enough. Chill, and stop telling your kid it's a big deal.

No way I would have expected him to fly back Sunday am, after a big night out… It was his decision, of course. Mad idea, IMO!

@OrangeSlices998 I would have been angry for the cost of the ticket.
None of you could seriously believe that he would take the 9 o clock plane after a bender- that was just bad planning to start with. I would have told my dh thar he'd see some recording of it. I mean a 6 year old dance class is quite boring even for parents so he would be better off sleeping.

This.

The mistake on both you and your husband's parts was promising you'd both be there and trying to get back in the first place. Parents can't attend every single thing their child does. In a few years time, you will have 3 kids doing stuff, you definitely won't be able to both go to everything then. Don't set your kids up for disappointment, teach them that sometimes you'll both be there, sometimes one or other of you will be there and sometimes neither will be there. That's life.

Sounds like he really wanted to be there but 9am flight was unrealistic. Also important to stay in touch with friends.

As he was keen to attend I expect he will feel awful and lessons learned about not promising ds if any chance he will miss it.

I dont think there's anything for you to do other than reassure ds dad would be there if he could and we can tell him all about it.

I agree with you. I have no idea why you are the bad guy in this situation. You moved away from where your DH grew up due to his job, not yours. He is the one who made a promise to your DS that he will be back in time to watch his performance, not you.

Apparently, your role is to protect your DH from the consequences of his own actions and if you are cross and disappointed, you are completely in the wrong.

I would keep a detailed log of what happened and of all future similar incidents. If it turns out that you need to exit the relationship you will then have what you need to build a strong case against him.

Of course it would be the same At the end of a day it's a 6 year olds part in a show not winning the nobel peace prize

Genuinely didn’t expect that somehow I am villain here!

you’re not the villain but you won’t get 1000 replies on a thread agreeing with everything you’re saying, we all have different life experiences which is why these threads are helpful. You see other perspectives.

I’d be disappointed too but the whole thing was inevitably more likely to fail than not. Considering he missed last years event I would have suggested he didn’t fly back early. I’d also not have told DS until much later on and carefully constructed the message so the impact was much less. A lot of how we deal with our kids and how they react is how we give them information.

I get that it's disappointing and I always show up for my kids because it's important but it seems like you are having a massive emotional reaction to the situation that is disproportionate to the situation, making it more upsetting for your child. He has you and 3 grandparents watching, if you'd not made it a big deal he probably wouldn't have been that bothered.

Absolutely stop bombarding and berating him. He'll have plenty to read from the backlog when he's got himself together.

Consider your comment about not letting him go out - if a woman came here saying her husband would not let her go out he would be slammed as a controller.

Consider your comment about the stories you could tell about his prevous behaviour - yet you continue to have children with him and expose them and yourself to it.

You both need to sort yourselves out. Theres a reason he's behaving like this.

You’re really over reacting. Last night was a HUGE historical event for Scottish football. I’m sure your DH was enjoying revelling in the glory!

Even without the football, he was never going to get back in time and you should have told him not to even think it was possible. Your son bursting into tears is more likely to be about excitement and nerves, not that his dad won’t be there. He’s got plenty of support from you and grandparents. No one is the villain here, it’s just one of those things.

It's a 6 year old's dance recital. It's not his debut performance at the Royal Ballet. Total over-reaction.

I was married to a man who prioritized alcohol and football. He rotted away horribly and is now (thankfully, and to the great relief of his children) dead.

Handle it? I would stop calling and messaging him and just sit and wait until he came home. And even then, I wouldn't mention it. I would use my time and effort on my kids and enjoy the show!!
Once he comes home, if your son asks where he was, I would watch your husband squirm and see what excuse he comes up with.
Just remember that your DH is the one that has missed out, not you.

Meh, I’d let it go. I also wouldn’t have told DS in advance that Daddy wouldn’t be there - what was the point in that?

It sounds like DH hasn’t seen these friends in 2 years and this is a rare thing. You’ve said he works hard, lives away from his home town and mates, and rarely drinks.

Shame for DS but hardly a big deal.

It was always a risk booking a 9.15 am flight, that after a boozy night, your husband wouldn't make it back. Yes, he said he wouldn't miss the flight etc, but he was unrealistic!

It would have been better to have told your son, once you realised the dates clashed, that Dad is sadly not going to be there, as he's going to London to visit friends. That it was planned before he knew about the dance performance and flights have now been booked. Yes, your so may have been upset that Dad couldn't be there, but he'd have got over it. How many parents can attend absolutely everything from school sports days, to carol concerts, nativity plays, performances for outside activities? Not many.

If your husband has then turned up to the performance, your son would have been pleased and excited, but if he hadn't then, as he was told he wouldn't be there, it wouldn't have mattered so much.

Stop calling/texting your husband. When he calls say 'you have disappointed X, who is upset'. Say no more. It's down to your husband to apologise to your son, feel guilty and make it up to him.