Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

So glad he made it. The comments critiscising you are absolutely bizarre

I think the issue is is that he should just never have said he'd come in the first place. It's fine for him to meet friends he only sees once a year, and there will be other dance shoes he can attend. He just should have said he couldn't make it to begin with, especially as your DS has loads of other people to watch his show.

Edit: seen your update, glad he made it!!

Exactly this

He’s not been in touch yet and isn’t back so, as I said, depends entirely on what he said when he got in touch. If he was apologetic and upset that he’d let the child down I’d be fuming then calm, but make clear going forward making unrealistic plans wasn’t on.

If he wasn’t, or found it funny, then that would be different.

I ended my relationship with my ex the third time our girls cried their eyes over him letting them down. I’ve no time for people who let their kids down unnecessarily.

It’s unreasonable to expect people never to fuck up. Even parents. If it’s unusual, rare, not conforming to a pattern, then I think it should be a lesson in resilience for children. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Glad he made it to the show OP.

Hopefully he gets his phone back soon!!

Yes it would have been better for your DS to gloss over it a bit. Say, “Oh I don’t think Dad will make it after all, I’m sure he’ll be upset but X is going to come instead and we’ll take lots of videos and show him later.” So not to lie but to help your DS not feel too upset when he’s got a big day.

As parents we are all going to fuck up on occasion, if you’re a good Co-parent and partner I think you try to help the other parent out at that point (and then give them both barrels in private). Obviously if it’s habitual or abusive, that’s different. But the “perfect mummy, naughty/ selfish daddy” narrative isn’t going to help your DS.

I do think you are overreacting and he will probably feel bad enough especially as he sounds like a good man. Just go along and enjoy the show.

Children shouldn’t have to be resilient to promises broken by alcohol. That’s just bollocks.

Thankfully it turns out the OPs child didn’t on this occasion.

Right when you said you had absolutely no time and there was no excuse for this - actually you’d basically just be calm and accept apology and move on.

and if he was a twat about it - then you wouldn’t, but it was because he was being twat about it rather than the hangover

Well am glad he made it but must admit I expected it to be a West End debut or something, was very shocked to read it was a 6 year old. One of my children plays an instrument in a band and another does musical theatre, think my husband has only ever seen about one performance from each of them, the tickets are expensive and only one of us - me - ever goes.

They should be brought up to be resilient full stop. It’s a 6 year old’s dance show. Nice if the parents can be there but not the end of the world if not.

There was a learning opportunity for OP’s DS - sometimes things crop up, for whatever reason, but that happens from time to time, it’s normal and is not correlated with how much we’re loved, and we plough on.

The more parents make a big deal out of people’s minor misdemeanours, the more significant the children will think they are - and that in turn has an effect on their coping skills and flexibility later in life.

Moron.

Just go with his other (adult) family members and keep your chin up for your DS and make it a lovely occasion.

Afterwards you can all have lots of discussion of the lovely wholesome afternoon you spent as grown up family members enjoying your dc and being in the right place for him. I mean you don't need to say that: it will be obvious that's what he has missed out on. Up to DH if he wants to grow up.

As for embarrassment, just say he had a problem and missed his flight - which is true. If that was what happened you wouldn't be thinking twice about feeling embarrassed and no-one knows. White lie for your DS' sake.

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I didn’t make a big deal and he is bloody resilient, he got over the upset quickly, and did a brilliant performance.

My dad never took an interest in any of my hobbies or interests, so forgive me for caring my son had been let down by his Dads need to be boozed up! (As it stands, he made the flight, if you read my update)

You had every right to be pissed off when you thought he got drunk and passed out in a random house in London. If you wrote a post saying that my husband went to London for the night and is not answering phone and in a random London address people would tell you he definitely cheated and that you were a mug for believing otherwise blah blah blah. It’s natural that you felt angry, scared and upset by that. It’s lovely to hear that your DH did come home as planned, had a lovely night away with pals and your son is happy his Dad saw the play. Hopefully GP can watch the kids and you and DH can get out for a nice meal and come home and relax for the evening. What a wonderful family you have making DS feel so wonderful about his show.

It's not the end of the world. It's literally a dance show for a 6yr old that nobody will remember in years to come. Let it go.

Read the updates.

Personally I wouldn’t have expected DH to leave a planned event with friends over the head of a dance show.

I absolutely would be defending your right to have a one of blip because you had a rare night out with friends.

Well it seemed when he OP first posted ( unsure about since) she hadn't been in touch with him at all do I'm not sure where she was getting all the details of what happened. Most probably correct but if she hadn't spoken to him....

@OrangeSlices998
I think you handled this brilliantly on here.

There are not many people who could have handled it so openly and with so much honesty.

Complete over reaction. When your son is 16 26, 46 and so on he won't care in the slightest that his dad missed his dance show when he was 6 years old. Concentrate on your son and the show and celebrating him with the family that are there and don't make it about how his dad didn't fly home at 9am after a annual trip to see his friends.

Many of us have to miss these things because of work and our kids survive.

No he shouldn't have go that drunk. But one day you might do something similar so don't get too sanctimonious quite yet.

So pleased there is a happy ending!!