Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

Well I guess the thread title is wrong...

So he drove home??

Who cares about all the other families on the road.

I did read the update.

I was talking about resilience generally and how you handled your DH’s one-off error.

I don’t think it will add to your son’s resilience to have a mother who is “fuming” over a missed dance recital and who characterises it his dad letting him down because he preferred to be boozed up.

His resilience won’t last long if you are modelling a massive overreaction to something which, as a one-off, should not be a big deal.

Engage your brain.

He wasn't drunk enough to sleep through his alarms and he was sober enough to get to the airport to make his morning flight. There is nothing to indicate he wouldn't also be sober enough to drive.

Why do you think he was drunk?

This reminds me of the workman stole my ring saga - hope it’s not a new trope

So from @OrangeSlices998 being “fuming” and “angry and “annoyed” in the OP, now apparently the Op was just “annoyed”

and from DS bursting in to tears and the impression given he was distraught, it now turns out that he’s very resilient, got a bit upset, got over it and just started playing with his grandparents

Rightio

It would have made the most sense all round if DH had just said he wouldn't be there for this one but would be there next time. He had already made plans.
Children have dozens of performances / events etc over the years. It's not the norm for both parents to attend absolutely everything.

Ah an enabler.

From the OP

He rarely drinks, not even a beer of an evening typically so when he does go out he typically can’t control himself and drinks to excess and makes stupid decisions. She seriously believed he was likely to get so drunk he missed his flight.

But most damning

bit hungover and tired.

So out late drinking. It is perfectly possible to catch a plane whilst being over the driving limit.

Agreed! A lot of posters are making excuses for a bloke who wanted to go on the piss with his mates.

Glad he actually made it back in time, but I’d have pretty ticked off in OP’s shoes too….

You can be over the driving limit but not drunk.

Alcohol wears off approximately one unit an hour after the first hour.

He was drunk enough to lose his phone, almost certainly was over the limit to drive.

She believed it, and it wasn't the case.

Being hungover and a bit tired doesn't make you over the limit? His driving very clearly was safe as he made it back fine.

You can call me an enabler in an attempt to shame me (as if anyone who comments logically on a post involving alcohol should be a puritanical prohibitionist) but it doesn't change the facts that we have absolutely no evidence that OP's DH shouldn't have been driving and that your responses are more than a bit silly.

For a husband and a father who meets his friends once a year, two years since the last meet up? Not just some bloke.
Do you hold women to higher standards or would a woman be barred from meeting friends in her hometown once a year? Or as a mother is this not allowed. You cannot expect the group to arrange plans around a 6 year olds schedule.

It isn't puritanical to know about the risks of driving after a night out.

The fact you think that 'making it home safe' proves he was fine says all I need to know.

She doesn’t need to, kids see it all. I vividly remember my dad soiling the bed and my mum having to clear it up. I must have been about 7. He was and is an alcoholic.

3 grandparents and one parent not enough for a 6 year olds dance show? Appreciate your DH did make it in the end but sounds quite OTT

Because you are the adult, and you need to love your child more than you are angry at him.

Mountain out of a molehill, and posting this on MN is just going to exacerbate further.

Stop winding yourself up and enjoy the show.

I've read all of your posts, before I got to your enormous update, I did wonder if he'd just lost his phone.

I do think you were overzealous in telling your son Daddy wouldn't make it. And you shouldn't have lied to him about there being a problem with his flight.

I'd have said nothing.

I've learned this from experience of making plans with people for my children, then being let down at last minute, so I don't tell my children things until I know for sure they are happening. Thus sparing the hurt and upset of the children.

Glad he made it back but just remember for next time not to be so quick to tell children information they don't yet need to know.

How did it take your H so long to phone you? Flight was at 0915 and you were posting at 1159 with no update. Im assuming on your post at 1421 he had called you but you replied to a poster first before updating

your reaction will determine how your kid feels about it so….

Great to hear this! You still had a stressful few hours but glad everything’s good and everyone’s happy.

Great update OP - really pleased for your family it all worked out. He’s a good lad 😊

That’s awful but in no compares to this situation, an alcoholic is seriously ill. This man has done nothing of the sort soiling the bed. We have to keep things in perspective.
I am sorry you went through that.

I wouldn’t want the children to hear me scream at him so when he gets home I would just keep my distance. Then wait and see how he plans to make amends to his child and the family.

he should be able to enjoy a night out without getting so drunk he can’t get up the next morning. It’s not difficult to make sure not every round is alcohol.