Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

Great update! Glad it worked out

He drank too much and missed his flight. How on earth is this hilarious? His best intentions were his undoing. If he hadn't made a solemn promise to his son that he would be back in time for his performance, OP wouldn't have had to tell him that his dad wouldn't be back in time as her son wouldn't be expecting him to.

I bet your husband is SO relieved. More about not facing your wrath rather than not missing the show!!

He probably didn't fancy a bollocking from his Mum, either!

No, he didn't babe.

It is good that he made it. Obviously a shame he lost his phone/his mate had it.

Just tell him next time not to fly from London at 9am for a 6yr old's show, they'll be plenty more. You'll both make yourselves ill if you carry on with this stressful dashing about causing squabbles and angst.

Wow-so he did what he said he would!

As a pp put though it was always a bit of a risk due to possible delays/cancellations...

Now he just needs to get his phone back...

Glad he made it. He's hardly going to stand out in Scotland today hung over and tired 🤣

Glad he made it - this is why I have a policy of not assuming the worst, it's usually nothing as bad as you think it is. And another reason I don't track the phone of anyone in my life! All too easy to read the wrong thing into location if anything happens to the phone.

I hope you can both laugh about this one later at least 😉

Thats great he is back. Probably best not to mention anything to ds unless confirmed he isnt coming in future. Glad all well now.

Thats great he is back. Probably best not to mention anything to ds unless confirmed he isnt coming in future. Glad all well now.

Yes, telling the truth to a 6 year old would be slagging him off.

He did wrong, but that's up to him to explain to his child.

Never "bad mouth" the other parent. A simple light hearted explanation should suffice.

It sounds like he hasn't let his kid down before and this is a one off, so as much as it is frustrating, it's not like it's happening all the time. The OP also told her DH that a 9am flight is unrealistic, so the level of anger isn't really necessary given she knew it was potentially likely to happen.

My DH got really drunk and was too hung over to come out with us when the kids were little (trip to zoo), but as much as I was pissed off, I just told the kids daddy was really poorly today, so we would go out and have a fun day anyway and take some photos for daddy to see later. They didn't need to know that daddy's illness was self inflicted!

I wouldn’t have been annoyed if he’d explained to DS that he couldn’t make it. I’d be fuming that he’d told the child he’d be there and then got in such a state that he isn’t.

I have zero tolerance for drunk let downs. Delayed flights, illness or something unexpected is one thing.

This one was entirely foreseeable and he had chosen (and getting drunk to the point of missing your flight absolutely is a choice) to make a promise to the child and it’s absolutely shit parenting to let them down.

I would also consider the reaction an overreaction if it was you.

I’d be more annoyed at the wasted money tbh flights are cancelled all the time

You’d be fuming despite never having happened before? Despite fact he barely drinks? Despite fact that he goes out like this once every couple of years?

It is a shame that you couldn’t see that it was important to prioritise your DS’s feelings here.

What rings out from your OP and your updates is your need to be right and for your husband to be in the wrong. We all make mistakes, and you will too at some point.

A bit of give and take in an otherwise good marriage is essential but you jumped to anger and righteousness straight away and hurt your son more than necessary in the process.

If you are still reading the thread I’d have a think about whether your approach is conducive to a happy marriage and happy children.

Honestly, as a fellow parent of 3 - now teen/young adult DC, you have years and years and years of events where you’ll be watching your DC. You also have, bluntly, fewer occasions to get together with friends. Life gets busier and distance does affect friendships…if your DH lives a long way from his mates, he will sadly inevitably see them less as time goes on.

With this perspective, I’d let it go tbh…x

You’re jumping to some wild conclusions here.

I was annoyed as I think I was allowed to be! I’m human. He doesn’t do it often but if he gets v drunk he’s unreliable but it’s a rarity these days as he’s gotten better.

I didn’t hurt my son. I was honest that Daddy had missed his flight (as I believed he had at the time). Would lying be better? He’d still have been sad his Dad wasn’t there even if I lied the flight was cancelled or something. I do appreciate that things happen and so next time we will be a bit more vague about if Daddy will be there if this scenario presents itself.

I am a mum trying her best with minimal support. I’m not resentful, I was upset and vented on Mumsnet, that much annoyance wasn’t shared with DS he’s had a brilliant day.

You weren’t just “annoyed”

you were * I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.* and “fuming”

yes I’d be annoyed as would most but to be as you were about something that has never happened before, about someone who very rarely drinks and last has a night out with these friends two years ago? That is was many posters were WTF about

Yes.

Because due to the fact he barely drinks and due to the fact this is an annual event that he missed last year is exactly why it entirely predictable that he’d miss his flight. The OP even pointed that out to him.

He then chose to ignore being sensible, promised the child he’d be there and then, entirely predictably got so hammered he isn’t there.

As I said, I’d have been perfectly fine with him saying that he couldn’t be there. I’d even have been fine with him saying he wouldn't be there, but booking the flight on the quiet so it would be a lovely surprise for the kid if he didn’t. But I have zero time for grown adults who make promises to children and then break them due to booze. It’s pathetic behaviour and, in this particular case, shit parenting.

Exactly! It wasn't an opinion, it was an assumption.

So what would your response have been out of interest?

It would depend entirely on when he surfaced and what he said when he did.

But if it was this scenario that the op outlined. What would your response be if he missed the show due to being hungover and missing his flight