I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

You’ve got a choice. Go back to work just so you can buy stuff. Or don’t.

I’ve had to retire early due to physical and mental health problems. I go without many things as we only have one wage now.

All of your list and more I also could do with as we bought a doer upper but I don’t focus on that. I focus on the fact I have a home and the basics and I don’t have to push myself and get really really sick again.

it’s your mindset you need to change. And yes I know it’s hard.

I often feel like others have ‘more’ and we struggle despite both working etc but I’m not sure its entirely true.

not many just get all those things. I don’t think.

plus how important are they really? Get a rescue dog? Or a mix of gumtree - don’t need the designer dog.

I think we sometimes think these things will make our life better when in reality they don’t!
do you really need a better car? Better sofa? New carpets or do you just want to look a certain way?

I dunno - just some thoughts.

You are depressed because you want to buy stuff but refuse to work to earn the money to buy stuff?

You need to have a word with yourself.

As PP said, you need to change your mindset. So many people would absolutely love what you have. If you want more stuff, you have to work for it. If you can’t physically work more to achieve this perhaps work more on yourself. “Stuff” does not buy happiness, try and find out why you are so materialistic.

@cramptramp @WallaceinAnderland can you read the OP? It says she works!

Blimey, people love to kick people when they feel down. What's the point in replying like that?

"But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease."

Normal people don't get them with ease at all! They go into debt, take on higher paying jobs or do more hours, give up time to themselves and get stressed, to have those things. Your health is a lot more important than stuff, if you have to choose.

You’re allowed to want things, it’s not sinful. Find a job that you enjoy doing and you can have the stuff you want

That’s the trouble with social media, it looks like everyone has it now, rather than gradually.

Can you assess your finances and make saving plans to work towards these goals? Use the MSE budget planner to work out your finances. Then start a savings account to save money
for a new carpet etc.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Use this link to find your body shape and find out which clothes suit you.

https://theconceptwardrobe.com

Also, things are always tight when you have children.

If going back to work full time isn't realistic then you need to figure out what is. Do you have a seperate account for savings if not open one and put £10 a month or whatever you can in it so you're at least aiming for one of them things. Have you got anything you can sell on vinted, market place. A carboot. Is it possible to do any extra hours at your job not full time but a couple of extra shifts a month. I don't think some of them things on your list like a new carpet or sofa are completely out of reach but they are things that may take a few years to save for.

Part time. She won’t ’sacrifice the time she uses to ground herself’ 🤨

Many people don’t just get those things, it’s not easy for anyone. Lots of people suffer poor mental health or other issues and disabilities. I have ASD and ADHD. I work 4 days a week in a professional full on job because I have to to be able to afford what we want for our family, my day off is looking after a toddler. I really need more time off to give me some time to myself, I’m constantly overwhelmed and on the edge, but I can’t have that ye, my family come first.

So who is your “vent” at? Is it at your partner as you think it’s their responsibility to provide your demands?
could you cope with puppy training and ownership?
and yes more money without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)
so you mean “ I want other people to give me money”?

But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

and I feel you are wrong.

We've always both worked in 'professional careers' (and I went PT after dc2 was born) but we were never able to "just get" things like that with relative ease.
You are kidding yourself.

We all make choices all the time - what jobs we work, how many hours, what we prioritise spending our money on, how many dc we have, where we live, if we get things given away for free or buy 2nd hand / charity shops or only buy new, etc etc as well as if we want to take on debt or not.

You have to decide what is more important to you in terms of time spent with the dc, looking after your own stress levels, or stocking up on material things.

Vent away. Your wants are entirely reasonable and valid, and it’s understandable that you feel despondent at times. However (and please know that I mean this super kindly, as I do sympathise):

1. I think that the vast majority of people have wants beyond their means or lifestyle - it’s all relative (as in you’d like a new sofa and house,
   others might want a toaster or a car or a fancy holiday or a cat), but I believe that to be true.

2. When you say you’re worried about the things you won’t do versus the things you will in your life… on your deathbed you aren’t going to regret not having a nicer sofa - you might be disappointed that you didn’t take up X hobby, or that you didn’t achieve Y, or that you weren’t Z (whatever your values, interests etc are).

3. that said, NONE of the things you mention are unachievable, if you are able to save anything at all - it might just take a bit of prioritisation and time.

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I don’t know anyone who just ‘gets’ these things with ease.

If you want more material things then you need to up your hours or get things second hand eg the new sofa.

You don’t want to get a new sofa or carpet with a new dog anyway.
So I’d be thinking how old are the DCs and if they can help with a dog - if so, discuss getting a dog and then in a couple of years look into getting a new carpet and sofa.

You’ll need to save money in other ways/up your hours if you want a new car etc.

The things you want realistically is a good 5 year plan.
You’ll need to decide what’s the most important thing on the list and how you’ll get there.

Just don’t get a dog if that’s your frame of mind please

Perhaps you should spare a thought for those who don’t have all the things you do.

You are in control of your life. Either get a grip or go out and earn all the materialistic things you desire.

"But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease."

This is not true in the slightest.

I've always felt that life is often a choice between long hours/stress/hard work to buy materialistic crap - or less stuff, less work and a happier frame of mind.

I think if you are materialistic and owning new or fancy stuff matters to you then you need to accept that this comes with the burden of grafting to pay for it.

I'm much happier since being grateful for what I have instead of looking for more. I think a lot of problems nowadays are caused by people believing they should have a champagne lifestyle of beer money. It's not normal or easy to have new sofas, new car, bigger house. Too many folks look at SM and expect to have what I would describe as an 'Instagram' lifestyle. But as an ordinary person, particularly a part time worker you're not going to have an Influencer life.

Dear OP, I'm sure that a lot of this will be linked to the mental health difficulties you are experiencing. Burn out can be absolutely debilitating and if you've had to reduce your hours and are less financially well off than you were before, it makes sense that you are fixating on all the things you want to buy but can't.
You don't mention how long you've been part-time but this doesn't necessarily have to be forever.
Focus on healing and recovery and perhaps small, manageable steps towards one or two of the wishlist items you have mentioned.
Like putting £5 a week away towards new living room carpet.
Or doing your research on the type of dog you'd like and plotting out a budget for how you'd afford one and what it would take to make that happen. Maybe you could even foster a dog as a temporary/ trial option?

Good luck OP!

Also if you want nice things don’t forget the dog might ruin it!

What's your approximate age OP?

Some stages in life are just financially and physically demanding - I found 35-45 pretty tricky. Kids in primary - no spare money.

Hopefully things will ease up and you will gradually be able to achieve the things you feel will improve your life.

Just be patient and enjoy your children.

Start noticing what you're grateful for every day. Write it down. It's mindset.

Our house is a shambles and there's lots we'd love to fix, but everyday life is wonderful because we have each other and we have a good time. We'll probably get there one day, with the house, but we won't be putting life on hold until we do.

We buy most things second hand. I’ve got two sofas that were barely used, one was for the cat to sit on. So it’s still as new. They even steam cleaned it. The other they bought and then moved house a few months later and the sofa didn’t fit. Got both for £300.
I buy all my clothes on Vinted.
Rugs maybe over the carpet? I have two Amazon rugs that were £60 and are room sized. Both still look new two years on.