I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

I never blame or vent at my partner. I’ve said in the OP he’s extremely hard working in a good job. He feels similarly to me, but he’s not as bothered by the things we don’t have.

Most people can't afford that. Would a V neck sweater with close fitting trousers or skirt not work for you?

The only one on the list (other than potentially a new house) that is that meaningful and will probably have a positive impact on your life is a dog but likely one of the most expensive but if you can I would focus on seeing if this is something you can afford.

If you want more then you will need to look at working more maybe try upping it by half a day at a time to see if that works. If you can’t work more then fair enough but don’t pressurise your partner to earn more to afford it as that’s not fair and could cause him to burn out

When your life comes to an end you might have some regrets about what you didn’t achieve. Are any of those missed achievements likely to involve a carpet?

I think therapy would really benefit you in getting to the bottom of what the desire for material objects, the sense of lack, is really representing.

I have great sympathy as I struggle with this too. My crap kitchen which we can’t afford to replaced is a focus of my ungratefulnees at the moment. But in reality I’m feeling held back by being stuck in a domestic loop with young children at the moment and the kitchen has become a proxy for my lost career

I think you’re in a tough spot, you can’t work due to mental illness but want all the good stuff, but without working you can’t have these things.

just imagine all the things you could do and buy if you worked full time. So maybe focus on getting well, as your first step.

I’d maybe suggest doing some volunteering at a food bank or something. It could help to change your mindset and make you feel more ‘wholesome’ and grateful for your life maybe. We all want things we can’t afford, I agree with previous posters in that I don’t know anyone who can just ‘get’ everything they want. Plus, when you have those things, the want will just be replaced by another want.

Sounds like you’ve got a good life which affords you the time to look after your mental health, and a lovely husband, try to work out a way to focus on these things.

I'm nearly 60 ... I think at a certain point in your life, you take stock and realise what is and isn't achievable for you. For me this was in my early 30s. I do remember going through a phase and thinking 'God, is this it?' And then I decided to reframe that into 'What do I want to do?'

You've got a few things kicking about:

Work - Maybe consider upskilling for a job you can do WFH, for example, bookkeeping. There are free courses like this one https://www.open.edu/openlearn/money-business/introduction-bookkeeping-and-accounting?active-tab=description-tab

Your appearance - No, you don't need to go to a tailor, you're just finding another obstacle. Take a deep breath, go into town, try a load of things on, figure out what suits you, buy yourself something every couple of months.

Wellbeing - Air is free. Walking is free. Does your local college offer beauty treatments at a fraction of the cost as part of their student training programme? Mine does. £20 for a 90 minute aromatherapy massage. Marvellous.

Anxiety and depression - Go see your GP or self refer for CBT so you can think about next steps.

OP, if you want to change your mindset you need to be intentional about it.

Start a daily practice of listing at least 3 things you are grateful for, get off SM or anything that's feeding the materialism.

Get some goals and purpose that isn't based on owning more stuff. What experiences do you want to look back on when you're 80? If the workd were to end tomorrow what would you regret not pouring into?

Practice being in the moment/mindfulness.

But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease

Are you serious? You really need a mindset change. Either you prioritise yourself after burnout and decide stuff is less important, or you earn more money to buy more stuff.

Get off SM as it makes you want stuff you don’t need and can’t afford. Clear your mind of it and appreciate what you do have.

@Homebirdy , I have been in your shoes, ( no kids though ) having had a breakdown in my mid 30s, Ive never gone back to full time work ( 60's now ) so have spent most of my life making do and mending

However I look at it as a positive. Because I dont spend silly amounts on "stuff" I can afford to stay working part time - which in turn keeps me well enough not to fall back down the black hole of depressions, which means I keep functioning at a level that I can enjoy life

If you made a post on Style and Beauty , no wonder you got find a tailor replies, have you seen how much some people spend on just one item on there? All the power to them, but that's not for my income bracket - nor yours. Im short, no hips or bum, busty, I wear separates to get clothes to fit and look good , v neck, square necks suit me and jackets and cardigans that either dont do up or do up very low. Skirts for me are above the knee, trousers tapered and jeans kick flare . I dont dress for fashion, I dress to suit me

It’s very easy to think about the things other people seem to have that you don’t . Try to think about the things you have that others dont . If you work part-time ( l totally support you in this as looking after mental health is vital in life! ) why not try to volunteer in a food bank or something to help to see the bigger picture .

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

Well, this is your problem. Yes, you are materialistic and it's harming you.

You say you can't work a full-time job because of burn out - well, look at the trivia you worry about!

I think you need to do some work on yourself - try to shift your internal narrative because it's not helping you is it.

You have a good marriage, children, security, physical health.

Maybe do something for others - volunteer. Or take up a hobby - you say you'd like clothes that fit - you could learn to sew so you can have tailor-made clothes?

Something to get over the childlike yearning for stuff. It really shouldn't get in the way of happiness. It's a hard lesson, but a really worthwhile one to learn.

Maybe next time you find yourself whinging like this, try to shift your internal narrative. Start to literally count your good fortune. Go over what makes you a good, nice, kind human being. Shift that whiny narrative into something positive. Smile at a random woman in the street, or say hello, or help an elderly lady at a bus stop. Just something to shift your mindset.

Do have a cry. It takes away the tension.
Then see if there is anything you can change. Accept what you cant change/dont manage to change. Life isnt fair. It sucks. Also its good to realise that other people's life aren't as good as we tend to see them. Plus what is a good life for one, isnt for another.

Remember that there will always be other people who have the things you want, but also as many, or maybe more, who don't have as much as you do. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Consider what really matters to you - a new sofa is nice but the novelty wouldn't last forever. One day it will be damaged or the style and colour out of fashion. You'll enjoy having it but it won't change your life.

Focus on what you can influence or change - how you use your time, your mindset, prioritise your relationships. These things are what really matter.

If you do really think that you'll be a good dog owning family, get the dog, get out more. You don't want a new sofa new furniture or carpet with a puppy, so four problems solved in one. Once you are into dog walking, you won't give a shit about clothes. My dog (German Shepherd) kept me sane during really difficult periods of my life.
The answer later on is work more, which will come naturally with growing children. My DD got a cat, my GC is 11, she can be (and wants to be) left in for short periods, the cat is company, your dog will be the same. It's often difficult to imagine life, five years on, but your eldest will be in high school and your youngest mostly independent. Think if a dog will still fit in, if so, that's what you focus on, you've got a few weeks to arrange things.

Honestly after reading your post I feel like everyone wishes they had more money for things they want to buy or things they want to do. But you have a choice, most of us just work full time so we can have nicer things, travel more, enjoy more experiences etc. I feel these days you can either have more time to yourself or more money but it is very few people who have lots of money and also the time to enjoy it. You have chosen to have the time as you work part time, it unfortunately comes at a price. I work full time and have a lot of stress in my job, it is also very hard to get part time hours in my role. But broadly I am happy as I can buy most of what I want.

But we aren’t that financially comfortable. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

These underlying beliefs are where you are going wrong. DH and I both earn well and we don't have the things you want and think normal people achieve "with ease". In the 25 years we have been together we have bought two sofas. We choose not to afford a family dog (can cost north of £200/month). We haven't been abroad for a holiday since we had kids. I drive a ten year old car.

I quite often reflect how lucky we are: I don't have to double think what I spend on groceries; when the kids grew out of shoes it wasn't catastrophic for us. We quite regularly go out at the weekend for expensive coffees (NB very very rarely go out for meals). If the boiler breaks, or the washing machine -- we have reserves and can replace.

I could also write a list of things I wished we/I had -- but how does that help me? It makes dissatisfied about all the things I don't have, and actually I am much happier noticing how lucky I am (warm house, comfortable bed, not waking up in the night worried about how I will feed my kids / pay the heating bill / mortgage). I'm hoping I'm teaching my kids the same. That friend in class who just got a £300 coat? No, darling, we are never going to buy you a coat for £300. But if you need a coat, we can buy you one that will keep you warm, and we are extremely fortunate that we can do so.

I am 70, still working. Was told I'd inherit but a family member helped himself.
My home is embarassingly shabby, my appearance is poor. We would have liked a dog, no chance. Holidays, no chance. Roof needs fixing.
I could go on.

I wonder what is behind all this OP? Some sort of emptiness?

@ThePotholeHelpline you've obviously never lived among people who just take, while taking pleasure in making their environment as scruffy and damaged as possible and life difficult for those around them. Unfortunately the most problem families seem to be those getting the new builds around us.

What jumps out to me is that you want new furniture and carpets, and a family dog!! I would be careful with that combo!

You need to learn to count your blessings.

But we aren’t that financially comfortable. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

Just wanted to say this is the effect of social media where you see the things other people have and think everyone has what I want. You don’t know their circumstances and they might be working bloody hard for it!

Also another example is if you just look at people you might think they have it easy. I have a friend who has 3 young kids and is a SAHM. She always looks lovely, relaxed and is extremely well dressed in the latest fashion. She has a lot of help from her parents so she has time for herself. But she has to clean her own home, do the gardening, window cleaning, ironing etc. I outsource all these jobs as I work full time and don’t have the time. So we have to be grateful rather than always thinking others have everything and we have nothing.

I wonder what you think a dog will add to your life.

Suspect the op wants one of tne trendy ones, like a cockapoo, rather than a good old rescue. Sigh.

Your core belief that MOST people can just buy expensive stuff and have what they want is wrong.

If you can stop believing that you will feel more content with your lot.

High earners , working full time, still have to save up to buy carpets over a long period.

It is not normal to be able to just buy expensive stuff or just move to a nicer house.

Everyone has choices in life. And the most important thing is to own the choices that you make.

You work part time, therefore you don't earn as much.

So you have a choice. Work more, earn more, buy more.

Or stay part-time and in effect buy the time to not work.

But you need to own your choice and accept it.

You can't have more time off work and more money. That's not how the world works