I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

Burn out? Interested to more about this

What are you wanting a magic money fairy to buy yoh stuff so you don’t need to work like the rest of us?

Blimey @Homebirdy, I just read your post on the 'new build on a new estate and social housing' thread.

I don't feel so sympathetic towards you now. Your prejudice of other people is shocking and disgraceful.

@Homebirdy We are all going to die in a couple of decades or sooner. Look at what you have and cherish those you love. Visualise your child being in an accident and feel how much you care about new rugs after that.

I totally get how you feel! I'm having to go down to part time hours due to health and I feel really sad that I can't get my bathroom done now, can't get kitchen floor done, hallway carpet, etc. Prob just had our last holiday for a while.

Why’s that then, you seem quite informed. Tell me more about my death date if you will?

Is that the one where she calls people who don’t own their home “riff raff’?

Yes, excellent advice.

New Sofa
Charity shops such as British Heart Foundation, or FB marketplace have very good quality, nearly new items but you have to keep checking. Otherwise credit card/loan to a furniture shop.

Family Dog
Rescues are crying out for fosters, same as The Cinnamon Trust or Refuges. Some are long term.

Re-carpet the lounge
Most carpet places sell "off cuts" which are actually room sized for a couple of hundred with free underlay. Fitting for forty quid.

better furniture
As above, charity shops, second hand shops, FB marketplace

nicer house (one day)
Start saving or offer a relative a mushroom stew.

better car
Start saving, bank loan or pcp. Do you actually need one or is it for streetcred?

good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
Find a local seamstress on FB, Next Door, etc. Ask at a launderette or dry cleaners if they know of anyone. Or learn to sew on a night course.

More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)
Hahaha haha. Keep dreaming, tell DH to get a 2nd job or start making mushroom stews for your nearest and dearest. Or send kids on paper rounds. Or actually work more hours/different job.

So it really depends on whether you want new to you, or brand spanking, maybe with designer labels, new. Or go a different route of counselling and antidepressants via the GP.

Your other thread says you are financially comfortable and that you work ten hours a week. You have a lot to be grateful for, count your blessings, your free time, your kids, the dog you’re planning to get soon. It’s fine to have a down day and a rant but you have an awful lot more for a lot less effort than a lot of people do.

Yes, According to @Homebirdy people who live in social housing are 'absolutely savage people who couldn’t give a flying pigs arse of their surroundings because their shits handed to them on a plate', and their kids are 'horrible little shitfaced children'.

Is that you Erin?

Can you read? She works part time. She's no different to the rest of us. If you want to buy things you need to earn the money to pay for them not sit there whining about it.

OP I very much doubt that when you reach the end of your life you'll give a monkeys about whether you had a new sofa or carpet.

I'm under going cancer treatment and I'm making a real effort to appreciate small moments as, like all of us, I don't know how long I've got. The things I've appreciated this week include smelling honeysuckle in a hedgerow, listening to bird song and eating ice cream with my kids. Most materialistic stuff is irrelevant once you've got the basics covered.

Do you think this intense desire for things might have deeper roots? Burn out suggests that some of your fundamental needs weren’t being met, and it can be easier to imagine stuff than intangibles.

I don't think many people get to the end of their life and wish that they'd bought more stuff!

Have you considered having some therapy to address why you feel generally unsatisfied despite having a good life? It might help you understand what's underlying this. I had a friend who was never satisfied, always changing her soft furnishings, decorating, buying furniture etc, always wanting a better car, the latest gadget... it was endless and nothing ever actually made her happy because it wasn't about the 'stuff' it was about her never feeling good enough. She had a miserable childhood with selfish, lazy, low level criminal parents and had to pretty much bring herself and her younger brother up.

Maybe have a think about where this is coming from. If you had all the things you list, would you be happy and satisfied with your life or would you just have a new list of things you want?

Also, when I was empathising earlier, and saying lots of us work PT when dc are young, I was thinking at least double that. 10 hours, really IS minimal.
Which is fine, if you understand that your choice to work so few hours comes with an obviously much reduced income. This sounds a bit like wanting to have cake and also to have eaten it.

what a lovely caring person @Homebirdy is! There will no doubt be the mn pile on of “she’s female like youuu!! You have to support her no question!!!!”

I don't actually think you're unreasonable to want what you do, we've just become so used to how bloody hard things are economically.

It is tough. And it's tough when your health stops you from working & earning more...Your health though, as you know, is far more precious than a new sofa.

It’s natural to look around and think everything is coming easy to others. My neighbour opposite is building a camper van and has a brand new electric car. My neighbour next door has a hot tub in the garden and the wife doesn’t have to work. My other neighbour is having an extension built.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering how. Then I remember I’m the neighbour who is always off on month long holidays abroad. We’re all fortunate in some ways. But it’s all a trade-off. I work full time in a stressful job, but I need a new sofa. My house needs painting. I could really use new kitchen worktops and flooring in the bathrooms.

In your case you get to work part time, a huge luxury, but then you can’t have everything you want. That’s what is normal op. I hope you feel better soon.

Yes, you're right that it sounds very materialistic, and in a very superficial way. I can't help wondering if part of your unhappiness is because you were raised in better circumstances, or you've made yourself unhappy by taking cues online, like from influencers, to make you perpetually dissatisfied.

I'm wondering if you have ever considered job-hunting very carefully and finding yourself a job you love, or a job that has meaning, so that you wouldn't feel burnt-out ... and could be earning more.

How do you think these things would improve your life? Usually stuff we want is tied to how we hope to feel once we have these things: more comfortable, attractive, stylish etc. But even those feelings have an underlying core emotion: happy or confident. If you can identify the core emotion that underpins what you want, look for other ways to achieve it. Ways that don;t cost money you don't have.

Meanwhile, there's nothing wrong with wanting updates. But if you can't afford what you most want, as PP have said - get onto Freecyle or look for nearly new or returns/seconds and update bit by bit.

No idea what you are saying. Care to explain what this pointless comment means?

nicer house (one day)
Start saving or offer a relative a mushroom stew.

More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)
Hahaha haha. Keep dreaming, tell DH to get a 2nd job or start making mushroom stews for your nearest and dearest.

Well I presumed you were referring to Erin Patterson, the Australian mushroom murderer. If not, what were all the mushroom stew comments about?

Op you have more than me.
Ive a rented H/A tiny flat on first floor so garden, i dont own very much as im a minamilist.
But im very very happy with it, i dont think i wish i could be like them i wish i had that i need that i have to get that, im greatful for what i do have.
If you are a person that can only feel happy with things and stuff are you really happy, because no matter what you get you will always want more.

So why not be happy for what you do have not what you dont have.
My home would shock anyone as it looks empty.
But i feel free and i love it.