I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

lol, you’d think that wouldn’t you? However I don’t agree with anything crossbred with a poodle for a start. Spaniels have too much energy for my personal lifestyle, and they are terrible for separation anxiety. I’m not interested in anything with a horrendously bred breathing issue face (pugs, frenchies) or small trendy ankle biters (dachshunds) are not for me.
My ideal dog would be something like a whippet or potentially a lab.
I’ve been looking at rescues for a couple of years; it’s very difficult to find a rescue that can both live with primary aged children, and with cats, so you are potentially right there I may have to ‘shop’ rather than adopt if/when the time comes. I’m not keen on adopting an adult dog as you never fully know a dogs history and I have children to think about, I know a lot won’t agree but I wouldn’t look to adopt a dog over 12months old.. and young dogs rarely come up in shelters, let alone when picky about breed and cat-potential 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show it off, like the rest of the stuff. Social media, real life etc. I doubt the dog would make the list if she wanted a rescue.

wants to show off her lifestyle, have whay she sees others having, and either can’t or simply doesn’t want to do the work to get it. Likely jealous of what others have, hence the comment she thinks others get stuff easily.

but unless you go out and work, then like most people, you will never ever be financially comfortable and never ever have these things.

I too am devastated that I'm not a millionaire and that I have to do things like ✨ save up ✨ and shop around for deals. My upstairs carpets don't match perfectly as they're all remnants that cost, at most, £80. I bought my dream Loaf sofa on eBay for 30% less than the retail price. I could go on.

But it's not really about that, is it? You are depressed and should really see your GP about getting CBT or antidepressants or something. I suspect even if you won the lottery or your DP doubled his salary you'd still find something to be dissatisfied with.

I have a take on this based on my own late DM. To my surprise, your first post made me think of what she was like a bit. She came from a background where money was very tight, fought herself into a world of career success where there was a lot of money and privilege around, and from an early age defined success in very materialistic terms. She then suffered with her mental health, burnt out, and whilst she ended up with a lovely lifestyle thanks to what my dad earned, there was a lot of yearning and emptiness and comparison with others in her. She also passed this mindset of the importance of success and wealth on to me and my siblings in a way that created a lot of misery for us and led us to feel like failures. It was only much later in life, when she became very sadly physically unwell, that I think my lovely DM started to let go of some of these things and become more accepting and grateful for what she had. She was so much happier for it. She died with love and care around her, surrounded by people who valued her for who she was. Her change in stance also freed me up to accept myself.

So how can you change this mindset now rather than berating yourself for it and getting stuck? Some ideas that come to me:

• understand where your mindset comes from. You will think the way you do because of the situations that have shaped you. For my DM it was growing up without money and looking at glossy adverts depicting a better lifestyle and yearning to live like the people in those adverts. For you it might be something very different. But seeing your thinking as something that has been influenced, or even programmed, by society, family background etc might help you to feel a bit of distance from it. 'This is what part of me has been programmed to want, not what all of me wants.'
• Think (if it's not too morbid for you) about what you would want people to say about you at your funeral (hopefully in many many years' time). What qualities would you want to be remembered for? What value do you want to have brought to the people you love? This might give a different perspective on what counts as achievement. If you can find and hold onto your values as a person, that can be your compass to guide you, rather than you automatically defaulting to the materialistic bullshit compass that dominates so much of our culture! There are great lists of values you can find online to explore this.
• Finally... because nice stuff is nice, and it's understandable to want some lovely things in your life... think about each item on your dream list and consider whether there is a less expensive, more realistic alternative. I don't love my sofas but the right cushions and throw make them seem awesome. I don't want to spend too much on clothes so I go to charity shops and budget for one nice new-bought piece every month or so. Some of the most awesome homes I know belong to people without that much money but who unearth great things second-hand or put their own stamp on the place without spending a lot. I wonder what it would be like to care less about the flash and care more about expressing yourself?

There’s nothing wrong with being aspirational, but whining doesn’t help. Could you take on more hours at work?

I’m very far from misogynistic.
she is complaining she can’t have things. The way to get things is to earn more money. Simple.

I want a dog mostly so my children have a family dog to grow up with, like I did - and to add a bit of substance to when I go on walks, either on my own or with the kids/family 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry op if you feel you’re unable to work full time due to burnout, then i would highly recommend against getting a dog. That’s just more work as well as more money.

I read your post about wanting a dog and it sounds like you fall into severe overthinking. Time for you to get a dog, for starters

Honestly, if you’re thinking of a young dog I wouldn’t bother with the new furniture, sofa or carpet. And new clothes are probably a waste of money too 😂

I don’t bother with new sofas as a rule, I prefer a good second hand one. One of the few times we got a new sofa from Argos we then got a dog who chewed a hole in the sofa. Recent sofa was a practically unused one for a quarter of the price which may well see me out.

This is all to do with your mindset.

It’s ok Op, you’re not the only one. “Want”
is a normal feeling but actually not a reliable one. Buddhists get it and understand it’s an “absence of want” that is happiness.

There will always be something that you can improve or update. In the big scheme of things they will be largely irrelevant.
Have a life that reflects you and your values.
Do more with your time . Learn more. Experience more. Push yourself.

Hmmm, I think it's normal to wish for "nice things"...I wish for a second bathroom/WC in my house and bedrooms for the DC that are larger than box rooms. Also I wish for a kitchen (so I can fit a dining table in there!). I wish that I could afford to buy my place, rather than rent it. However....I'm on my own with two DC (and I don't get CM), I'm the breadwinner, this is the house that I can afford (we live in the SE). I'm very grateful that I can work FT and can afford to keep a roof over our heads. There's no point me comparing myself with others - everyone has different circumstances. The furniture I have is old but functional and in good nick. To "upgrade", I'll use a throw on the sofa, and I saved up and bought a rug for the front room (it's washable and looks pretty cool :D).

I'm learning mechanics and welding so I can maintain the old campervan that I bought last year (we do camping as our holidays), and I'm hoping to get the camper up to scratch so that I can use it as a daily drive when I hand back the work salary sacrifice car that I have. I don't do a huge amount of miles each year so it seemed stupid to have a salary sacrifice vehicle and a camper.

Lots of my friends and family have bigger places that they own/more money coming in - but they have chosen different career paths, and have partners/spouses who also work FT in higher paying roles. I'm a nurse, so there's no point comparing my situ with theirs! What I will say though is that they also have to save for nice things and watch the pennies, just like I do :)

Just know though, that even if you were suddenly able to have ALL the things on your wish list, it probably wouldn't suddenly improve your life. A PP wrote a phrase "what can I do about it" (or something along those lines). Is there anything that you can do/sort on that list? I can think of one thing that could be a good one. The clothes. Might be worth getting measured up properly for a couple of nice bras from Bravissimo. They do video fittings as well as in store. a good fitted bra makes such a difference to the fit of clothes and how one feels (and I would say that a properly fitted bra is a must, rather than an indulgence). Take measurements of yourself for clothing, check out the size charts and then maybe hit the charity shops, or try out ebay. I got myself a beautiful dress from ebay the other week for under £10 (something that I wouldn't be able to afford to buy brand new). Also, look on freecycle and get a sewing machine/some patterns and why not take up sewing? Youtube or local colleges for learning the basics. My mum (a seamstress) taught me a lot but I'm still very much a novice. I have a basic sewing machine and can run out basic repairs to clothing for myself and my DC. I am going to learn to make basic clothing though (I just don't have the time because I'm working a lot, often more than FT hours)!!! I'd love to learn to crochet - my niece learned by watching Youtube videos and has done some amazing things (she's 11). x

Is disatisfaction the same as depression though? I dip in and out of both.
A key ( sorry such a cliche) is to be happy with what you've got.

Sometimes I deliberately replay really shit times from the past and have a little word with myself.

One stand out was when I took myself off on an unpaid pet sit for a weekend.The loneliness was excrutiating. I could have been dead in that house and nobody woukd have known

There is a documentary on Netflix called 'The Minimalists'. It well worth a watch even though it is not the best produced programme.

The message is so thought provoking - stuff doesn't give you fulfilment and satisfaction in living a happy life. The feeling of wanting more, better, newer stuff is a contagious feeling that is negative, not positive.

Take a step back and reassess. Will the stuff you crave really improve your life? Once you have those things, will you really be happy with what you have? I suspect that there will always be something else that you 'need'. Is it need or want?

@TicTac80 Bloody well done you!

To be fair.. with two young children I don’t know why I want new carpets yet either 🤣 I just hate that when I want to take a nice picture of them they’re on a carpet that’s got marks on it (have tried a carpet cleaner loads of times😭)

Oh dear.

I know this is not at all the point of the post but I find it really interesting you think this! We adopted a 7 month mongrel and she only started to show some of her behaviour issues as she reached adulthood which I understood was quite common? So I personally think you're more likely to know what you're getting with a dog who's closer to 2 but I'm a first time dog owner so just basing it off her.

On the materialism, I feel like this sometimes too and I wonder if it's as shallow as it first appears. I grew up in an unfinished house and my dad never wanted to let us have any friends over because he was ashamed of it. My partner's family are all very houseproud and make comments about us taking longer than them to finish things when we see them (which is mainly because we need longer to save up to do things!) which is hurtful and makes me want to invite them less. I never used to care about my appearance but I have noticed that when I don't make an effort with it people treat me differently. So I have similar feelings to OP sometimes and I think at the root of it is I'm a bit lonely and would like to have family over and make more friends but I dont feel like I can if I'm not able to present in the right way. I know people will say true friends dont care about what you or your house looks like but I'm not sure that's true.

But also it's ok to want nice things and society constantly tells us we need stuff and it's hard to resist that message! I think if you're the type of person who's never happy with where they are (ie me) you will always be wanting something though unless you can learn to shift that mindset. Also dogs are great but I think like kids you can't completely control what they will be and they will bring some problems to your life as well as joy. I'm not sure I would make the same choice to adopt mine again if I had it! So the thing you're wanting is an ideal because you haven't experienced the reality of it yet. And you will get a dog one day I am sure.

First stop consuming any content that is related to the things you think you want.

Stop looking at other people's houses and their sofas, carpets etc

I was a regular on a mn beauty thread and I was constantly wanting expensive skincare and perfume I couldn't afford. I felt like I looked old and was obsessed with looking younger and our together.
I deleted it off my watchlist and a week later realised my high street skincare was absolutely fine!
And the best thing was the constant feeling old and shabby disappeared.

Make more of your time to support your mental health, a proper meditation practice or journalling, yoga, mindfulness.

Put your time and energy into things that nourish you.

You don't need a dog to enjoy walks. Get out in nature more, hills, beach, woodland etc even if it means making a day of it due to travel.

Get a cheap hobby that uses your hands eg baking, crochet, gardening,.colouring. but stay off the apps, don't fall down the xyz-hobby rabbit hole or you'll be wanting hand dyed silk and merino yarn, new water features etc

I'm no doubt older than you, certainly at a different life stage. And I'd be amazed if you got to my age and regretted the new sofas and well fitting clothes you didn't have 20/30 years ago. Because by then you are likely to be sitting on a new sofa in a well cut outfit in a quiet home with time to yourself, looking back on now.
You know where this is going, don't you? But I'll say it anyway. Each life stage brings its pros and cons. You savour the good bits and plod through the tough stuff. Because it changes around as time passes.

Come to Iran for a few days and live in the same conditions as we do so that you can appreciate your comfortable life.

Go back to work full time then, or if you can’t hack it, don’t. Normal people get these things by working for them. This thread is absolutely ridiculous.

There are things here you can do that are inexpensive. A more can-do attitude would help. For example, you can alter your own clothes. I do this all the time. Also look into rehoming a dog. Dogs bring companionship and get you out of the house and into the fresh air for walks. Have you considered joining any other local groups that give you a higher purpose and a sense of community belonging? Attending church, volunteering at a food banks, reading to children in primary school… These sorts of activities take you out of yourself.

I think you’re mad to be obsessing over these things. The new stuff for the house is an absolutely terrible idea while the kids are young. If you’re getting over being burnt out, a dog is not going to help (they are a lot of work in the early days). And all of this would be at the expense of your health. Bizarre. Plus I can 100% guarantee that they would be a let down if you did get everything- it wouldn’t satisfy you.

I think you need to scratch the surface and think why- if your existing stuff is fine (and not broken) why are you obsessed with replacing it? Are you projecting- do you feel unsuccessful because you can’t buy it? Or are you jealous of others?

If anything I’d spend some money on counselling. Or if you want to try to resolve it yourself, tell yourself very sternly that you’re not getting any of this until after Christmas at least and try to occupy yourself with other stuff (maybe declutterring, selling stuff to make money etc).