I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

You sound just like my husband. I’m the main earner in a high pressure job, and he coasts in a simpler job for much less money, because he says he values time and his mental health more (which I’m fully supportive of). What I struggle with though, is that he’s clearly not happy with our quality of life and always wants more things. He’s currently desperate to get a new car (ours is fine). On the other hand, I’m proud of our progress and don’t compare to others. I find it waring when he gets grumpy about a holiday we can’t afford or a new sofa we need to wait for, and would love to see more ambition in him to help fund the lifestyle he obviously wants.

We’ve also struggled a lot with debt and have a history of living beyond our means, which is something I’m working on.

My point is, don’t put this on your partner. Work out your own self improvement plan. Pushing into a better paying job is better longer term than working more hours in a lower paying job with fewer progression opportunities.

Please try and move on from the thoughts that new 'styff' will stop you feeling this way - if you achieved the stuff tomorrow, you'd probably start hankering after other 'stuff''. It sounds a bit Pollyannaish, but do try concentrating on what you have to be thankful for, starting with your lovely husband, your children and your home.

Try Bravissimo for clothes - their styles are cut for women with larger boobs.

Sounds like you’re unhappy and seeking something that you think will make you happy. But unfortunately you’d likely feel the same with all those things (except the dog as they’re a joy).

Honestly I’d rather have free time than stuff. So my beautiful house is decorated in furniture from FB Marketplace, my clothes are from Vinted and I get the bus. And still I am happy to read a book on a Wednesday and not go to work 😂

We ended up getting a second hand sofa a few weeks ago. My husband and I both work full time and to be honest, I felt a bit of a failure. I am in my 40s, I thought I would be able to buy a decent sofa.

But we have a dear dog with loads of health issues, which eats up all.our money even with insurance. She is very costly.

I know what you mean about wanting stuff and i do too, But maybe it is about making the best of what you can afford. Why not buy new cushions or a throw for the sofa for now.

But what would the designer dog bred by greedy people add to their lives?

I don’t know anyone who just buys sofas and carpets with ease. And definitely not cars. Or gets their clothes tailored or buys a dog without considering the financial impact. I’ve been married twenty five years this year and I’m on my second sofa (dunelm sale).

Everyone I know just muddles along with what they have, always considering the costs of things.

@notatinydancerwomen are more likely to work part-time so you're being misogynistic. In addition the OP has indicated that she has mental health issues that she's trying to balance

All of those nice things would potentially be ruined by the hypothetical dog anyway op 😂

I don't want to be that dickhead who says, maybe you're luckier than you could ever realise. Do yyou have good health? A nice family? Decent friends? Live without fear?

If so, you're doing well. Things are just that... Just stuff, objects and eventually worthless landfill. We go through periods of wanting them, being sold to by social media, being manipulated by the perceived status quo we should live up to.

Essentially, on our death beds, it matters little. But then if you don't want to prioritise travel, or therapy, or any of the more "worthy" cliches, then perhaps get into debt or find versions of what you think will make you happy, to patch over the underlying malaise. We are all just chasing that quietude of reaching the arbitrary point of "enough" that we set for ourselves. We can spend whole lifetimes chasing what we think we need.

Worth noting that they would have meant have existing clothes adjusted by a tailor and while it's still pricey it's not anything like having clothes hand made for you. Usually there is a seamstress working from home who can do it relatively cheaper (but it still adds up!). As an example, I got a wool coat on Vinted for £15 which was massive and she cut it down to size in the shoulders and body for £30 and it now fits very well.

Please don't get a dog, they are expensive to keep and the insurance keeps rising. And if you don't have lots of spare money coming in, you will need insurance.

So weary of "misogynsitic". No it's not. It's responding to a post.

You choose what's important to you. Some people have stressful jobs or work long hours to have the money the need to buy the things they want and others prioritise their health and lifestyle but you can rarely have everything. If you reduced work due to burn out surely you can go back full time after a break or find something different to do? I think it's a completely valid choice to reduce your hours but then you have to accept you won't have as much money. You will have more time for yourself on the other hand.

I second the Bravissimo comment for clothes. Vinted has a lot for very cheap (also listed under Pepperberry when they had it as a separate line). V-neck, scoop neck to draw the eyes up, boot or flare cut jeans otherwise for separates.

I would love a dog again but it’s not practical currently. My last one was £200 but he developed cancer and had years of expensive treatment. In your position I’d look up Cinnamon Trust or Borrow my doggy for the dog fix without the financial impact. Have you considered dog walking or pet sitting? Extra money and fuzz 😍

Would you use some of your free time to go to a sewing class followed by pattern altering class. Learning how to make alterations for yourself is very satisfying and your clothes will fit better and be of a decent quality.
Once you get your head around the basics, it’s pretty straightforward. Defo my happy place.

Homebirdy, we cannot help how we feel. I can remember being in a very similar situation to you and always having a sad, wistful longing for a life without so many financial constraints. I was like that for a long time (some of it, very hard up indeed); on the whole I did not show it, just felt it.

However we still managed to have some good times.

All I can say is life is like that for many, you are far from alone. I daresay you see lots of others who seem to be doing better, life is just like that, no point in making comparisons. Everyone encounters problems in life regardless of money.

Enjoy what you can, have fun with your kids. I promise you that things will improve for you as time goes on.x

I'm not sure a lot of people just get these things without effort- if you are that materialistic then you need to go back to work and possibly retrain to earn more.
You can't expect the things you mention on one and a bit salaries.
Clothing tailored to fit you is very much a very rich person's thing- so even with 2 decent salaries I doubt that would be in thd budget- learn to sew , that's what I did when my breasts didn't stop growing.

Reading your list... This is stuff no one used to worry about. Carpets would be down for 30 years. Sofas were replaced maybe every 20 years, but the next might be a cast off.
Do you spend a lot of time on social media? I've noticed that even spending time on MN without photos makes me feel pretty bad about myself and we are fairly well off!
Remove the Instagram and Facebook and whatever else and just go out and live life.
You don't need perfectly fitting clothes or a new sofa.
Go for a walk in the rain.

It isn’t easy when feeling down to change your mindset but only you can do it.
Baby steps and don’t put demands on yourself to sort it out fast.
Some of them sound corny but a lot of the getting out into nature, gratitude and similar do work.
Try to challenge your own thinking, recognise that there will be as many people who haven’t got a car or have never had a new couch.
Try to work out what it is that you think new and better versions will give you. If it is because you enjoy spending then buy a new cushion not a new couch. If it is because other people seeing you getting things makes you feel good then that is more of a problem.
If is is that you are very interested in interior design and/or want your home to have a different feel then there is a lot you can do yourself and on a budget.
Join a sewing or tailoring class and make some clothes for yourself.
Learn to knit, proven to have all sorts of benefits for the brain.

While I feel for you, I really don't think other people can just afford the things you have listed. We earn comparatively well, but would still need to save up for all of the items on your list. Carpeting the house has been on my wishlist for years.

I've just taken on extra work despite being at risk of burning out, because - well we can use the money, I'm an adult and don't want to be subsidised by my husband, and there's pension to think of as well. Adulting isn't much fun, but needs must.

If you only do a small number of hours you are working for pin money really and effectively living off one wage. Most families will struggling financially unless that wage is a very higher earner. So yes, others will have a lot more money than you, but similarly others a lot less, you are probably a bit below the middle. Being rationale you must realise that not everyone has the same buying power. If it helps to see context this report by the ifs has a good graph of household income after tax distribution - where do you fit in, I'm guessing in the middle? That means there is a lot of the population with more buying power. This might help you understand and make peace with your situation.
https://ifs.org.uk/living-standards-poverty-and-inequality-uk

Could you be methodical? Make a list and get these things? It should be easy enough to get a free sofa if you go on those Facebook pages that are always giving away free furniture. You could also get a dog for free in the same way

I think it easy to believe your life would be better if only you got everything on your list but you wouldn’t be any happier. Having enough to buy what you need and treat yourself occasionally is great but the need to up the purchasing is an empty need - you’ll just create a new list. Envy is the thief of joy. I don’t know how you stop wanting stuff though.

Please DO NOT buy a dog if you’re thinking of going back to work FT. They cannot be left for more than a few hours at a time and dog sitters are expensive.

I don't think you need a tailor necessarily, just to learn how to adjust your clothes. Find some utube videos and experiment with some old things that you dont mind if they get ruined. You may find the process rewarding and that it helps your mental health. Have a go.

I can promise you that when you're lying on your deathbed you won't be pining for that sofa or a re-carpeted lounge. Owning a bunch of stuff is not an achievement anyone can be proud of.

So you don't have things, so what? You have time, that's more precious than anything.

Every day in a million different ways our capitalist economy is bombarding you with messages telling you to feel dissatisfied with what you have and to BUY STUFF! JUST BUY IT! BUUUY IIIITTT! And what's even worse is that it teaches you that wanting, needing, having all these things is what normal people do. Resisting this relentless brainwashing takes some strength of character, but you need to try.

I'd rather have time than a new sofa any day.